Velveteen Mind

Old Lady Farts and Blog Stats Revealed

Ya'll don't even know.  So I'm going to tell you.

After asking for people to step up and offer to guest post for me while I'm gone, I received a fair number of "I would love to do it but there's no way you would want a small-time blogger like me tanking your stats."  I'm paraphrasing.  Now here comes the "ya'll don't even know" part:

My stats stink. 

There I said it.  And in a minute I'm going to go one better and share them with you.  I know talking about stats is about as distasteful as talking about money, but I have a point.  By the way, it's too late for anyone to back out of the guest posting job now that you are about to find out that my blog smells like cheese and old lady farts.

Let me back up a second, though...  Woah.  Peee-eeeewww!  You should never back up through old lady farts.

I was talking to a fancy pants blogger recently and we got onto the subject of blog statistics.  Who knows how, because talking about blog stats makes my stomach weak and then, well, there you get your old lady farts.  (I'm trying to break a record for using that phrase, apparently.  Now must make it post title.)  In any case, we started talking about audience size and blog promotion and other bloggy things.

This Bad MoFo (but totally modest) blogger stated that her approach to all things bloggoly is to forget the inconsequentials and just write.  Don't sweat audience size or stats.  What's the point, anyway? To become famous on the internet?  That is, quite literally, a joke.

Write and write well and your audience will find you.  Or not.  But write anyway.

Yes, it would be fabulous to become famous writers.  Yes, it would be wonderful to have 72 comments for every post we deign to share with the world.  But what are the odds?  Actually, I'm sure someone out there could very specifically tell me the odds, but I'm guessing they aren't good.  So we reexamine our priorities.

Community.  That is what sits at the top of my list.  Not surprisingly, that is what sat at the top of Mrs. Fancy Pants Blogger's list, too.  Easy for her to say, right, but it doesn't matter.  I noticed a comment she left for an admirer the other day, responding to a comment that said something along the lines of "I'm flattered that you noticed me."  Mrs. Bad MoFo responded with (again, paraphrasing) "...but you and I are the same."  Aaaah, and we get to the crux of the matter.

The best part of blogging for me (so far, as I'm still waiting on previously mentioned fame and fortune) is finding other people that are quite like me.  Regardless of popularity.  Regardless of writing style.  Finding people with whom I can relate.  People who are sharing stories that resonate with me.

It is this sense of community that I am learning to embrace and encourage within my self.  Recognizing that I write for myself, but I write to you.

Which brings me back around to stats.  Audience size.  Number of comments.  Blah blah blah.  I totally think about this stuff.  I do.  I absolutely worried that my BlogRhet piece would die a horribly silent death with no comments and tank the BlogRhet stats.   I feel you self-proclaimed potential-tankers.  Each time I received an email saying that you'd like to guest post but don't think you are "good enough" (which is a laugh), I totally felt your boobs.  So I decided to show you my ass stats.

This was not actually my idea, though.  Aside from all of you that have discussed your Technorati ranking before, I StumbledUpon an article this morning that had been Stumbled by Passionate America, whose other blog, Passionate Blogger, I link to in my Google Share frequently. (edited to add that his most recent post regarding Website Grader is relevant to this post and completely worth checking out.  I ran the report he suggests and it's fascinating.  I wish I had seen that post before I wrote this one, would have saved myself a lot of time and work!) 

The post I StumbledUpon through Passionate America was 5+1 Golden Things Your Blog Can Earn By Posting Stats by Blogging Tune.  The points covered have more to do with SEO stuff and advertising advantages than are of concern to me at the moment, but I saw a greater point about community when I clicked on the stats he had previously posted himself.  Although his traffic is much higher than my own, I could actually compete with some of his other statistics. 

Why does this matter?  It doesn't, other than to say that I found myself relating to him.  Whereas moments before I was thinking that he clearly had no idea what it meant to be a small-time hustler like me. I mean, it's hard out here for a pimp.

Which made me think of those emails I received this week.  Which made me think of you.  Not you highfalutin' bloggers, but you. We're all in the same boat.  It's unstable and crowded and now stinks of old lady farts, but we are in it together.  If you are reading this, then you are probably blogging for the same reasons I am.  You and I are just the same.  Holla!

So to all of my upcoming guest posters, this is where I burst your bubble and reveal that you probably won't gain fame and fortune by posting on this here blog.  You might not even get double-digit comments.  But you can have a raucous good time.  And the only way to tank this blog is to keep it silent.

Now, with one swift blow of the Technorati hatchet, I hopefully end some of your hesitation and inhibitions.  I humbly present to you, the blog stats for Velveteen Mind:

• Technorati Authority:  52 (although this one would be higher if ya'll would please stop linking to my old Typepad address and use www.velveteenmind.com instead :P)
• Technorati Rank:  112,760
• Feedburner Subscribers:  84 (fluctuates by about 10 every day)
• Ave. Visitors Per Day:  136
• Ave. Page Views Per Day:  217
• Google Page Rank:  2 (out of 10, ouch!)
• Old Lady Fart Rank:  5 (in this one post alone, not to be confused with Heather's overall Fart Authori-tay)

I've been blogging on and off since January 2007, having begun posting more regularly around  then end of March.

All that being said, ya'll be sure to leave lots of comments for my guest bloggers and make them feel right at home!  Meaning, talk a lot of smack just like ya'll do to me.  And lurkers, this would be the perfect time for you to delurk!

Tomorrow I'll post about the two year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  Then, when I get back from vacation (all I ever wanted!) it will be time for my 100th post!  There's a party over here--  a party over there--  Wave your hands in the air--  Shake your derriere!

 

SUPERBAD Post on Drugs. Literally. Or not? Huh? What?

Ugh.  I should have started that guest posting thing yesterday because my brain is just not functioning.  Too many decongestants does not do a body good.  In fact, it specifically does a blog bad.

Hey, did somebody say "bad?"  Did you mean SUPERBAD?   Because, if you did, I can totally talk about that movie for about an hour.  I loved it! 

Yep, I made another mad solo dash to the movies this weekend and found myself smack dab in the middle of a theater full of teenage boys laughing about penis jokes.  And, yes, I was right there with them, laughing along and thoroughly enjoying my nachos and big ole vat of Coke.  Okay, I was mostly cringing and shaking my head in embarrassment, but I thought it was hilarious.  And I'm going to marry Michael Cera (he plays Evan, the one on the right in the poster), who used to be on Arrested Development, which I adored.

Oh, and McLovin.  Seriously.  McLovin.

Maybe it was those damn decongestants.  Well, if ya'll give me another smackdown over my taste in entertainment, then I'll know it really was the decongestants.  I've been high for about a week now.

Wait, should I be able to taste the colors in Elijah Wood's outfit while he's doing the "Puppet Master" dance?  No?  This is a problem?  Should call doctor?  Penis jokes not really funny? 

Man, I need to get off these meds.  OTC meds, but meds nonetheless.  I'm starting to think that the combination I'm taking might break down into basically, say, Ecstasy in my system.  There is a distinct possibility that I'm on smack right now and I don't even know it.

So, the whole point of this post (ha.  a point.  right.) is to say thank you to all of ya'll for offering to guest post this week and next.  I have a virtual roster full of fabulous bloggers lined up and am in the process of mapping out how to make it work right now.  Given my current state of incoherence, that is almost a joke.  Except it won't be when ya'll start receiving my emails and can't figure out why I'm telling you that your guest author password smells like blue.

God speed, ya'll.

McLovin.  Just because I like to say it.  And I like to look at it.  Hence, the pictures.  McLovin.

God, I swear I was smarter, like, a week ago.

 

Shiny Happy Bloggers Need Not Apply

"If you're not in the mood to hear me feel sorry for myself, I recommend you go read somebody else's blog. Try www.velveteenmind.com or www.dooce.com. Plenty of happy, self-effacing moms there."

That is according to Meg over at Pants and Pie-Oh-My.  Well. 

First of all, I am fairly certain I've never been grouped into anything with dooce before.  Okay, I was mentioned alongside her in a new article over at Seattle P-I on Paul Nyhan's Working Dad blog this week.   My third mention from him in less than a month, no less.  Totally lovin' some Working Dad.  Ya'll are going to see more and more of his articles pop up in my Google Share widget, as he is one of my favorite new finds.  But I digress.

Second of all, while I totally get the "self-effacing" thing, I don't know what to make of the "happy" determination.  Yes, this is a good thing, right?  So why does it make me feel shallow all of the sudden?  On the heels of my new award from Nell over at meanwhile..., I'm thinking that I am definitely losing my edge.  Must post more videos of freaky aliens dancing with a loony Elijah Wood.  And I should definitely start talking more smack.

Thank you, sincerely, for the mention, though, Meg.  I am a big believer in that your problems need not be "big ones" before you can vent and whine, however.  I would say poop in the tub definitely qualifies for a bit of feeling sorry for yourself.  Among other things.

That being said, ya'll better soak up all the shiny happy Megan you can because next week is the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and I've got a little story-telling business to take care of here at Velveteen Mind.   Then I'm blowing this joint...

Check your green-eyed-monsters, ya'll, because the boys and I are going on vacation at the end of next week!  Aaaaawwwww yeah!  It's about time. 

And, yes, I know you aren't supposed to post about going on vacation before you actually go, lest burglars track you down and steal your stuff, but let me remind you that we are currently living in my parents' backyard and all of our stuff is at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.  Have at it, I say.  If you find a few boxes of journals and photo albums, would you mind dropping those off at our guest house, as they would be of no value to you and your thieving deep-sea-diving selves?  Thanks, yo.

Which brings me to you.  Yes, you, dear reader.  I'm looking for a few good bloggers to fill in for me while I'm gone.  I've noticed that my feed readers tend to drop me like a bad habit when I don't post, say, every fifteen seconds, so I'd hate to lose every last one of my hard-earned 100 of them massive audience while I'm off lounging on the beach. 

Any takers?  Guest bloggers out there with stories you are dying to spread somewhere other than your own fancy pants blogs?  Want to talk some smack about your husband or sister but need a place to hide it?  Just want to poke around my place for a few days and see what is hidden in the depths of my threadbare mind?  Velveteen Mind can be your temporary home for the low low price of one link back to me zero zip nada nothing!

I'll be gone from my blog for about a week beginning on Wednesday or Thursday, so I've got a lot of spots to fill.  I've already lined up a couple of bloggers sure to improve my fart authoritay, as well as "edge" up my blog rating to at least an "R" with their foul language, but I definitely need some more. 

You need not be a mommy blogger to apply, either.  New to blogging?  Great--  me, too.  Not funny?  Half the time I don't think my readers are laughing at my hysterical self.  Too political for your own blog sometimes?  Fabulous.  I'd love to shake things up a little around here.

Please email me through the address below my picture in the upper right-hand corner if you are interested in guest blogging and we'll work out the details.  And I will be very sad and embarrassed if I don't get enough bloggers to fill the spots, so keep that in mind...  Help a mutha out, people!

I'm now going to hit "publish" and sit and watch my Google Inbox for the emails to roll in.  Email me quick so I don't feel like a fool.  ;)