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June 2007

June 28, 2007

This explains so much.

Since I'm pissing away time today and not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing, I thought I'd play around with some of those lame little blog widget things you see here and there.  I played with an anagram one the other day and found out that my name spells out "Major and grumpy hen."  No kidding?  Here's more colossal wastes of time:

Online Dating

I particularly like their reasoning behind my rating: 

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:    

* pain (4x)    * ass (2x)    * torture (1x)

Pain Ass Torture sounds like an interesting blog post to me.  I'll have to get right on that.

Then this one was just freaky:

Your Summer Anthem is Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson
"Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

Your summer will be marked by heartache - but mostly happiness.

The summer of 2005 was when we moved to Long Beach and, well, you know the rest.

I'm not sure what to make of this one:

You've Experienced 64% of Life
You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get.
And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

I hope that doesn't mean I've experienced 64% of my life?  I'm only 30.  That can't be good.

Well, at least I know why I'll only be experiencing 64% of my life: 

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:
"I can pass this guy."

Seriously, I'm a better driver than that.  I can totally pass that guy.

Uh oh.  Bad news for Maguire:

You Are 39% Ready for Marriage
You will be ready for marriage someday - just not any day soon!
You still have a lot of dating to do before your find a relationship that works for you.

Maybe I should have taken this quiz earlier?  God, I hope there's no "Are you ready for kids?" quiz.

Hmmm, this could explain that marriage question...

Your Inner Gender is Male
You are rational, matter of fact, and quite dominant.
You like to get things done, without any emotional messiness.
You truly don't understand most women. And you definitely feel more comfortable around men.
No doubt about it. You're a guy - at least on the inside.

Good grief.  I need a drink.

You Are Rum
You're the life of the party, and a total flirt
You are also pretty picky about what you drink
Only the finest labels and best mixed cocktails will do
Except if you're dieting - then it's Diet Coke and Bicardi all the way

Well, if I'm going to be drinking rum...

Your Pirate Name Is...
Dirty Ian the Infected

Aargh!  Where's me rum and me antibiotics?!

Maguire Likes Me On Top

Help a mutha out!

My picture is up at TopMomma.com today and I'd love for it to stay "on top" for a little longer so I can findz me summore readers! 

It's up to you!  Click on one of these buttons and then click on my picture on their site (it's the same one of me doting on my disinterested son you see on the right here).  It will bring you right back here and you can continue reveling in the threadbare!

(And yes, it does link to my old typepad address, but it's all the same.  I registered there forever ago.)

Two clicks to eternal happiness...  That's all it will take...  Two... Clicks...  Puhlease?

I'm a Top Mommma!  I'm a Top Mommma!

Of Rubber Ducks and Ladybug Picnics

Stolen rubber duck debates and podcasts are two things I'm not very familiar with at this point in my blogging experience.   However, I am very familiar with the Queen of Shake-Shake and do basically whatever she commands, so I obeyed and listened to her interview on the Motherhood Uncensored podcast this morning.  The podcast was last night, but I'm just that slow. 

Along with Queen Heather, Kristen interviewed Lawyer Mama and Her Bad Mother.   Fantastic sites and fabulous bloggers.  However, I don't remember her mentioning the Queen's URL, which would have totally irked me, given my control freak issues with receiving credit for every iota of energy I expel into the universe.   But that's just me and Heather probably didn't even notice.  She's cool like dat.

*edited to note that Kristen did pimp their blogs, it just got cut off.  I had a feeling that was what happened, based on the choppy beginning, but I didn't bother to be thorough about it when I posted this.  My hide would still be chapped, though, and I would insist on being the star of the show next time.  Just for the record.  :) I kid.  I kid.*

Do check the podcast out, as it's an interesting discussion on parenting ethics, blah blah blah.  Here's what I really liked about it:

She played "Rubber Duckie" by Ernie from Sesame Street at the end of the show!  Given my last post on children's shows (and transvestites, sure), it will come as no surprise that I love that song.  It should have, then, come as no surprise to me that Pants would come running in saying, "My see!  My see!"  Time to hit YouTube.

How did we get by before this video archive of all things immediately vital to my immediate viewing pleasure came along?

You can check out classic Ernie singing Rubber Duckie on your own (and I highly recommend it), but today I'm going to share with you the following treasure that popped up in the Related videos sidebar and simply made my whole day better.  If this doesn't make you smile, then I'm not sure that we can be friends anymore.  I love it.

The Ladybugs' Picnic from Sesame Street

   

Now I have to get back to my massive to-do list for today.  Seriously, how many of you have returned these damn red Thomas the Tank Engine poison toys, yet?  I swear, I don't have time for this.  And I just love the fact that the red trains were always the ones we gave to Cheeks to play with (and chew on, by the way).  I mean, come on!

June 27, 2007

Crazies, Critters, Cookies, and Cooters

I'm going to take you for a trip in my rocket ship this morning, all the way from Australia to New Orleans, by way of New York City and Pittsburgh.  We're going to meet some colorful men, some colorful monsters and their round-about friend in a colorful cardigan, and finally a very colorful lady.  Wanna ride?  You can bring all the liquids aboard that you please and I'll only be patting down the men at security.

We watched The Wiggles this morning for the first time.  How it is possible that we've managed to avoid this Australian freak show for so long, I can't tell you.  The fates must have been smiling on me all this time.  Unfortunately, this morning those fates must have still been in bed. 

All I can say about The Wiggles is:  no.  no.  By the blank look on Pants's face, I'd say he agreed.

I am absolutely a Sesame Street kind of girl.  No, not so much Elmo, but more Big Bird and Cookie Monster.  "C is for Cookie!  That's good enough for me!"  Oscar the Grouch is a classic.  And anytime I hear "Hi-ho!  Kermit the Frog here!" my spirit just lights up.Misterrogerstrolley

There is just something so satisfying about the classic PBS shows like Sesame Street and, my personal all-time deep-in-the-heart-of-me favorite, Mister Rogers Neighborhood.  I could write pages about what Mister Rogers means to me.  Instead, I'll just settle for a picture of my main man.  Seriously, I love you, Fred Rogers.

I'm not a total PBS snob, though.  I crush pretty hard on Steve from Blue's Clues.  Although his brother Joe may be a bit more little kid friendly, he doesn't have that slightly smirky edge that Steve had. 

By the way, why doesn't anyone talk about how Joe has gotten, well, ummmmm...  fat?  Have you watched Blue's Room lately?  Not my favorite, but it's hard to turn it off once it's started.  I'm fine with folks getting chunky, but the dark circles and puffy cheeks have me worried he's on some kind of medical treatment.  I picture him soldiering on with these manic puppets while he's having some sort of tough radiation therapy or something in the background.  Or he's just been hitting the cookies too hard with that mob of blue puppets that certainly must hang out together in their off-time.

Back to Sesame Street, though.  I do not get tired of Sesame Street.  It is such a well-produced show and is styled in such a way that it absolutely appeals to parents.  All of the classic segments from when we were little (and which still work) guarantee success with me.

Although I get a little suspicious of the motives behind some of the guest stars, I was excited to see Squirrel Nut Zippers on the other day.  I mean, seriously, Squirrel Nut Zippers!!!  How much fun are they?  Man, the last time I listened to them was in New Orleans after we went to that...  oh my gawd, how have I not told ya'll this story?!

Shimsham_2While we were living in the French Quarter (before any baby boys), my best friend came down to visit and we decided to check out a bar called the Shim Sham Club.   It was one of those retro-martini clubs, catering to the swing-dancing goth crowd.  Or something like that.  Lots of girls in 40's style swishy dresses, guys in thriftstore pinstriped suits, as well as your requisite French Quarter transvestites and girls in fairy wings.   A feast for the eyes.  And way out of my depth.

I walked by Shim Sham every day on the way to work and would marvel at the posters of their burlesque acts.  Yep, they had a burlesque show!  Their girls were called the Shim Shamettes.   Shimshamettes_3 Utterly classic.  I so wanted to go, but I was pretty sure I wasn't cool enough.  For instance, jeans and a Banana Republic shirt were probably not going to fly in there and I had little else at the time.

The night we went wasn't a weekend night so we figured we'd have a better chance of getting in without any fancy 40's style outfits, hooker heels, or fairy wings.  We were mistaken.

When we got to the door, we were informed that it would be something like $20 to get in.  The place seemed to be swarming with elaborately decadent outfits, too.  We were tempted to turn away, but then someone opened the door to the rear dance room and we got a glimpse of what we were missing: 

On stage was a band that looked like they had stepped right out of a vintage carnival photograph.  Bingoband_2 Rich reds, warm creams, dirty browns, surrounded by sequins and pinstripes, bowler hats and tutus.  And is that a pump organ?!  It sounded like an old-fashioned carnival and I swear this looked like a bunch of carnies on stage, but a rather deliciously flamboyant version.

As it turned out, the band was called The New Orleans Bingo! Show and this party was a benefit for a local waitress named Cherry.  The flyer on the door said "Cherry's Big Gash Bash."  We had no idea what that meant, but we were in.

We took a seat at a table close to the stage, out of the way enough so as not to stick out as the so-not-interestingly-dressed girls that we were, and just took in the spectacle that was this benefit for Cherry.  Shortly after settling in, I realized that I knew the lead singer of Bingo!  He was the delivery guy from Fiorella's Cafe, a fantastic, albeit grungy, restaurant in the Quarter. Bingotutu_2

I ordered from Fiorella's  all the time as almost all of the restaurants in the French Quarter had bike-riding deliveries, which was awesome and terribly dangerous to an already junk-laden trunk.  I had been lurvin' me some delivery guy ever since he brought in some sparkly Chanel makeup to have gift-wrapped for his girlfriend at the stationery shop I was managing at the time.  People, he saw her admiring this glittery stuff in a magazine and went to Saks Fifth Avenue at Canal Place and bought it for her, then proceeded to have it wrapped in handmade wrapping paper at our shop!  How can you not love that?

Needless to say, I was smitten with Bingo! at the Shim Sham Club.

Finally, after being there about twenty minutes, we catch a glimpse of Cherry shaking her groove thang on the dance floor.  And wouldn't you know it, I knew Cherry, too!  She was our favorite waitress at Angeli's on Decatur, right across from Fiorella's!  But then, what is this benefit for?  Is Cherry sick?  "Big Gash Bash..."  does she need surgery?

As it turned out, no and yes. 

When the next band took the stage (the Happy Talk Band, which sounds like fun, but were incredibly morose yet fantastically popular with the crowd), we found our answer.  The lead singer came up and by way of introduction, mentioned that he knew Cherry from their hometown, way back when she was called "Jerry." 

Mind clicking...  eyes taking in Cherry in a new way...  me reconsidering the large amount of sky-high pink wigs in the room and boys in fairy wings...  aaaahhhhh. 

Big Gash Bash, indeed. 

We had just contributed about $40 to help Jerry take care of his Willy and become Cherry for good.  And we were happy to have been welcomed and included in the celebration.  It was quite the bash.   Although I never did hear how the gash turned out, I hope Cherry is doing well and has made her body the wonderland of which she must have always dreamed.

We have now come to the end of our ride.  I hope you enjoyed yourself and please come again!

June 26, 2007

Introducing the pseudo-Photoshop-ish Capitalist Wiz!

I finally decided to tackle it head-on.  You know what I'm talking about.  Photoshop.

Except, I still can't afford Photoshop.  So, I guess you could say I decided to tackle it sideways-on.  Sort of snuck up beside it and gave it a little nudge.  Rang the Photoshop doorbell and ran around the corner to hide and laugh when it opened the door and I wasn't there ready to fork over my gajillions of dollars.

There's lots of stuff I want to do with Photoshop, but for a while now I've been admiring myself and my tag-line writing skills and wanted to make a coffee mug at cafepress.com using my tag-line "Relish the Velveteen.  Revel in the Threadbare."   Except I didn't have any programs that could do either PNG files or transparent backgrounds.  So it wasn't happening for me.

Then I started getting comments on my Plain Jane Mom guest post, saying (jokingly) that I should make shirts using the post's title "My Label Maker Is Broken This Week" and my Photoshop-itch started bugging me again.  And then I started getting actual real bona fide requests for the shirts.  Wow!  How much fun would that be...  if.  I.  had.  Photoshop.

Which I don't.  Did I mention that?  Did I mention it costs a million dollars?

So I started complaining to everyone.  Anyone that would listen.  And as it turns out, I was complaining to all the right people.  First of all, the Queen of Shake-Shake offered to do the designs for me.  Her Highness Herself, deigning to command her computer to spit out designs for me!  Yea!  I just hope she doesn't mind control freaks who obsess over the details...

Then Domestic Chicky offered to help.  She of the magic fingers that are currently wielding the sewing needle on the much-anticipated apron project for my totally empty eBay store I've been mentioning since February or March.  Somewhere in there, she became a whiz at computer graphics.  Damn.  I can't sew a button or CGI a button, so, well, damn. 

Unfortunately, I need her to stop talking aprons and start mailing aprons, so she pointed me in the direction of a non-Photoshop program that could do what I wanted.  One that doesn't cost a spajillion dollars.  One that comes with a free trial and everything.  One that has video tutorials aimed at kindergartners, apparently.  Because I don't have time for this crap.

And it worked.  It totally worked.  I downloaded the program yesterday afternoon, and a few hours later, I had my shirt designs!  Fortunately for me, cafepress gives you the exact DPI and resolution (is that the same thing?) and all that other mysterious stuff,  so all I had to do was set up my "work space" and plug in my text.  Viola!  I'm a pseudo-Photoshop-ish wiz!!!

Soooooo, without further ado, I introduce to you my newest online store:

All Things Velveteen

 

Bloglabelmaker

Okay, I only have two or three designs right now, but I have lots of options for those designs, and who doesn't like choices?

And you know what?  If the only people that buy anything are me and the Queen...  I'll still be damn happy with myself for finally tackling this computer graphics-ish thing.  Now I can make a coffee mug for every occasion!  Shirts with every bit o' blather I spew!  Woo hoo!

By the way, while you are in the shopping mood, here are a couple of other blogging fashion designers for the blogging set:

By the way, if you are in more of a thinkin' mood than a shopping mood, do check out Heather's post on the pros and cons of breaking your label maker when it comes to your children.  I wanted to talk about that more, but have blogged fifteen ways to Sunday away from the real work I'm supposed to be doing today.  Break your label maker, indeed.

 

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