I Am Your Very Own Dichotomy.

Occasionally, I just walk out of the house and leave the family to fend for themselves.  I grab my purse, my phone, and my keys, yell something like, "Good luck, suckers!" over my shoulder, and hit the road.

I am a road person.

The other night, I did just that.  It had not been a particularly difficult day, but it had been a long couple of weeks.  Maguire came home from work and my heart unexpectedly slipped out the door behind him as he entered.  I had no choice but to follow.

I haven't mentioned this, but I have a new car.  A "new to me" car.  Guess what it is?  You'll never guess.  Moosh?  You might know.

It's a white Volvo V70 wagon.  My dream car. 

Of course, it is not new.  I bought it for very close to an even trade for the land yacht that was my Dad's old emerald green Lincoln Towncar.  I suspect there is a hamster in the engine running around frantically taping everything together, laughing in a bewildered way about how I could be so blinded by the boxy loveliness so as to not notice that I was being taken...  but it is mine.  I finally have my own car again.

And I work it hard.  In particular, I work the CD player.  Haven't had one of those in years.

The soundtrack for my solo escape road trip along the Mississippi Gulf Coast beaches the other evening was Ani DiFranco's Canon, a 2-disc compilation of some of her best songs.  My husband introduced me to Ani DiFranco in college and I was sold immediately and ever since.  One of the only performers I never tire of, and I get tired of music shamefully fast.

Fueled on by Ani's voice berating government, penises, and Righteous Babes who have their panties on a little too tight, I made my way along the scenic beach highway.  One thing I love about the Mississippi Gulf Coast is that from Gulfport to Bay St. Louis, there are almost no structures built on the beach-side of the highway.  Drivers are afforded unobstructed views of the water for miles.

This makes for a fine brainstorming environment.  I busy part of my mind with driving, just enough to keep the random, distracting noise at bay, and leave the rest of my mind to solve solve solve.

On this particular evening, I was unaware of any unresolved issues for which I was setting out to solve.  However, an hour into the drive, just as I was making it across the Bay St. Louis bridge from Pass Christian, the tears began to fall.

They were those hot tears, those silent tears, the ones that just drop drop drop.

The ones that surprise you.  The ones that have been waiting, silently, patiently, and of which you were too busy to be aware.  Until they find the break.

I would love to be able to tell you why I was crying.  I do not know.  It was our internal release valve, I think.   No one thing in particular, it was just time to relieve some pressure.

So I drove.  And I cried.  And I listened to Ani DiFranco.

I thought about how I never listen to music anymore.  Since living in New Orleans, I have become an avid talk radio listener.  It started with the New Orleans station WRBH, Radio for the  Blind and Print Handicap.  They would read books on air, as well as magazine articles, but my favorite was the show on which they read the drugstore ads.  Literally.  It was hilarious.

The best show was on a day when a little old lady was reading the Rite Aid ads and said, "Let's see, you can get 300 count Vitamin C for...  let me see...  oh, shoot, I can't read that small print.  Just go in and tell them you want the Vitamin C deal."  The irony was so sweet, I can't even tell you.  I just wanted to kiss her.

Nevertheless, it hooked me on talk radio.  Now I listen to shows like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.  They are on when I am in the car during the day, so they are my guys.  I don't always agree with their politics, but I am never disappointed in the discussion.  I welcome the questions they force me to consider.

Ani DiFranco is a master at that.  She does not disguise her politics and pleads for you to open your eyes.  She makes me face social problems I might otherwise not consider.  She invites me to question my beliefs.

Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh might be two of the most conservative voices in the media today.

Ani DiFranco might be one of the most liberal voices in the greater media today.

They share my ear equally.

They propel my voice equally.

And their opinions could not be more disparate.

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” 
F. Scott Fitzgerald

I see the discussions in my comments sections regarding politics.  You ask each other, "Is it possible to be socially liberal and fiscally conservative?"  "Are not conservativism and liberalism mutually exclusive?"  "How can you straddle this fence?"

These questions can easily apply well beyond the political boundaries.

When I posted the photo of my shoes in Summer Shoe Choices:  I Am a Punk Rock Florida Retiree, I wasn't really asking you what shoes I should wear to San Francisco.  I was sharing with you the dichotomy that is me.  That is all of us.

We are so much more than labels.  We are so much more than conservatives and liberals, Rebublicans and Democrats, mothers and wives, bloggers and writers, consumers and marketers.

So I listen to Glenn Beck with ears wide open.  And I savor the moments when I listen to Ani DiFranco, as I feel her words physically enter my heart.

"I use my dress to wipe up my drink.  I care less and less what people think." 

Ani DiFranco, Dilate

I drove along the beach as evening turned to night, and I watched the wind blow thin streams of sand across the road.  My headlights illuminated the sand as though it was fog.  I was driving through time itself. 

I drove along the waterline of Bay St. Louis, Mississippi, and I experienced all that is splendor and desolation.  Two years after Hurricane Katrina and one lot will be filled to the property lines with a magnificent reproduction of a Southern plantation home while the next lot will hold a FEMA trailer with a spray-painted plywood sign near the road that reads, "AllState and State Farm:  The Axis of Evil."

This is not my political statement.  This is not about that. 

This is about the complex labyrinth that is us.

And sometimes it makes me feel as though I am split down the middle.

Sometimes it makes me cry.

Sometimes it makes me rejoice.

Today it makes me reach out.  For no reason other than because I can.

*********

Related Posts:
Glenn Beck's Responsibility Bead-Down.  I'm In.
Who's Afraid of the Queen of Spain?
Camille Was a Lady.  Katrina Was a Bitch.

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Comments

[All Adither]

Ani DiFranco is one of my faves as well. My husband and I saw her in Seattle a few years ago and I think we were the only straight couple there!

[MommyTime]

This is a very beautiful post that speaks volumes about the power of words and the resilience of the human spirit -- not to mention the peace that can come from solitude and attention to all that is within. Thank you for reminding me for why I need to go for a good long run today.

[Jennifer]

See? I totally DO NOT identify with those that are all or nothing kind of people. THIS post is exactly what I identify with. In politics, I can't just be a Republican or a Democrat. I can't just be a liberal or a conservative.

I guess I think that it's healthy to be in the middle and have the ability to look at things from both sides, under, and over.

WE really ARE more than labels.

I loved this post.

[Heather]

Oh Megan, thank you, once again for your beautiful, honest sharing. I've been feeling my dichotomies lately and those tears seem to hover at the edge of my eyes most of the day. I know it will pass, but it doesn't make the moment any more fun.

I actually just started writing a song about it last night, we'll see how it turns out.

I'm new to the Ani scene, but she jumped right up to the top of my inspiring list when I went to a concert of hers last year: http://lyricalvenus.blogspot.com/2007/10/absolutely-inspired-by-ani-difrancos.html

I love how music is so powerful it can transport and transform in just a few minutes. It's similar to blogs to me in a way - finding people in situations that let me know I'm not alone.

[Mom]

Oh, my God! I think Megan may be back! This is the blog entry I have been waiting for...
Megan, this was beautiful. I have missed your opening your mind and having something like this spill out! Take more rides!

[Rhi]

I love this post :)

I feel the exact same way - I live in such a liberal city (Portland, OR) but listen to Lars Larsen all the while pricing my very own Prius while wondering if composting is illegal in my apartment complex.

I guess it makes us interesting!

[Domestic Spaz]

One of my closest friends is the biggest Ani fan I've ever met. When we shared an apartment in college she was played loud and clear - enough that our frat boy neighbors started to sing along. Though, I can't consider myself to be a genuine Ani fan, her lyrics have walked me through some dark places in the past 10 years. Thank you for reminding me that it's time I queued up that playlist on the old iPod.

[jen]

what a beautiful post, M. I could smell the places you were describing, feel the song inside my own head.

and i echo the earlier sentiments on previous posts about guest posting on MOMocrats. I know people. Can hook you up.

[Rachel]

I, too, love to take off and drive to escape the norm of the SAHM lifestyle from time to time. Unfortuately, those times are far too infrequently and when they do occur the tears often start to fall as my release from all of lifes stressors.

I envy the route that you are able to take on your drives. I spent so many hours driving that same route as a child on the way to our beach choice of the day. As an adult I have been awe struck by Katrina's aftermath and also amazed at the beauty of the deserted beaches. Currently, I'm stuck in what seems to be an endless winter in Seattle. I long for the Gulf Coast and for my original home in N.O. along with all the warmth.

[Amy]

Oh, now this post just spoke to me. I cried the other day, but can't explain it. I adore Ani DiFranco and her lyrics speak to me. The part about, "See you, suckers..." yeah, that spoke to me. I do that at least once a week. :)

You are such an incredible writer!

[Nola]

I have SO been there many, many times in these past 2+ years.

Hell, I was there this past week.

Glad you got a new-to-you car that you love! And one with a CD player!!

[moosh in indy.]

Politics, Ani, FEMA, crying, blogging, driving, beach, blah blah.
VOLVO WAGON? HOLY SQUEE BATMAN! There's hope for the rest of us!

[Krista]

Sweet post. It's almost like my marriage is the dichotomy. My hubby and I are on opposites sides of the fence on tons of things. And he's way better at seeing my side than I am at seeing his. But I think I can look back at 3 years now and see that some of the things he's said have sunk in. It just takes awhile (a long while) with me.
And I totally love that I can picture in my head your drive since I've been there! I just hope there's more there now than there was 2 years ago...

[The Mom Bomb]

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself . . . . I am large, I contain multitudes." Walt Whitman, Song of Myself.

[katy (aka funny girl)]

SO glad to know I'm not the only woman in the world who can enjoy all that is Ani while at the same time appreciating that which is Glenn, or Rush, or Dennis Miller (my personal fav). And that I'm not the only one who just gets in the car and drives and then cries for no apparent reason. Oh, the joy that is being a complex labyrinth. Maybe someday my husband will understand...

[HRH]

I have often thought these thoughts but didn't think them this eloquently...

[pgoodness]

the complex labyrinth that is us.

YES.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who equates car + music = freedom. Just wish i had your scenery!

[Queen of Shake Shake]

I feel this so much right now in my life.

Am I happily married? Am I not? Yes? No?

Do I want to continue with blogging? How can I stop? Do I promote more? Do i screw it and just life live?

Am I the mother I want to be? Do I get enough to the boys? NO, I give too much of myself and am forgetting who I am.

Am I shallow? Am I deep?

Quite frankly I'm so confused with my own little self right now that I can't even venture into the conflicting world of politics.

I don't know how to resolve myself.

[Queen of Shake Shake]

Can I type? Because I have so many typos in my above comment.

See how confused!

[ramblin'red]

This is BRILLIANT.

And so parallel to my own existance that (in general and of late) that I am applauding with a standing ovation. With those same tears that have been trapped waiting for that break.

[Deb (Missives From Suburbia)]

My friends look at me like I'm crazy when I say I sometimes listen to Rush, because I'm such a hardcore Liberal. I say that it's hard to understand your own voice when you don't listen to its opposition, but the other reality of it is that he's entertaining. I may not usually agree with him, but he's entertaining as all get out.

[mothergoosemouse]

You've hooked a reader for life with this post.

[Greta]

I agree. If people say they are all of one side, I wonder if they've take the time to listen to other sides. I've come to a point in my life where I don't feel comfortable talking about my politics in public because I don't want to be in a fight all the time. That makes me sad.

Well said VM!

[Heather]

Love the sprucing...and the post!

[Jacqueline Carly]

love love this post. i've taken that drive a million times and will take it a million more. thank you so much for bringing us with you - beautiful!

[jenny from mommin' it up!]

beautiful. i feel dichotomous so much these days...especially in election years. I also often feel the pull of meeting the needs of my family and the pull to just be ME...it can be exhausting.

[To Think Is To Create]

This hit me in the heart, because my own beliefs and ideas have been thrown into a blender recently, and I don't know what kind of smoothie came out of it. Red? Blue? Neither?

Sometimes I feel like it's so tortured writer of me to be feeling and moving through so many schools of thought, but this post sorta validated it all for me. Thanks. :)