Death Defying Acts

Three months of silence.  More like four.  No explanations.  Just *poof* and this site went silent. 

Breaking the cardinal rule of blogging:  Thou shalt not cease to blog less your hands fall off and your toes lose their dexterity.

Tempt the gods and thou shalt lose all subscribers and BlogHer Ads will begin to ask, "Why do we advertise on a stale site that is getting less than 100 hits a day, again?"

Yet, I shook my fist at the blogging heavens and dared shout, "I need to live an inarticulate life for a minute!  Feedburner be damned!"

A death defying act for a blogger.

Yet I needed to breathe some life back into my life there.

And I needed to catch my breath because it had been knocked right out of me.

~~~

November.

After almost exactly two years of living in my parents' guest house, rebuilding our lives from the post-Katrina foundation up, we stumbled across a little house with our name on it.   By the grace of God's long finger that was Katrina insurance claims, we happened to have a savings account big enough with our name on it, as well, and decided to buy that house.

Welcome to the whirlwind.  My life is defined by the winds.

We found the house on a Saturday night, on the way home from a family pizza night in Ocean Springs, Mississippi.  A fluke, we took one street home differently, mere blocks from my parents' home.  A "For Sale" sign that couldn't have been there more than a couple of days made us stop.  With nothing more than moonlight to illuminate the house, I stepped into the backyard. 

I exhaled. 

I did not realize I had been holding my breath.

For how long had I been holding my breath?

Years.

Death defying.  Hope.

We made an offer on the house less than 24 hours later.  Two offers later and we have the house within hours of first seeing it. 

The wind howls under the eaves of our new bedroom window. 
Had I known that, I could not have negotiated so fearlessly.

Death defying.  Courage.

We need a mortgage.

Time to reopen my eBay store.  Welcome to online holiday sales hell.  Where's the coffee in this joint?

~~~

December.

Work.  Work.  Work.

The United States Post Office is my best friend and my worst enemy.

The eBay logo is beginning to make me nauseous.  However, for some reason, the eBay logo makes our mortgage company happy and we get the loan.

Time to celebrate.  My birthday is December 16.  I'm 31.  Is that right?  When did that happen?

The morning of the 16th and the boys go out to buy me a present because, hey, who knew it was my birthday?  Anxiously anticipating the glorious choices Pants and Goose are sure to make at Big Lots (holla!), I wait on the couch with a cup of coffee.  My eBay store will be closed in a couple of days so as to ensure timely holiday package delivery and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The light at the end of another tunnel has been extinguished.  As I wait for my gifts, my mother walks into the guest house to tell me that our friend has killed himself only hours before.

Death defying.  No, not after all.

A friend.  A brother.  A son.  A father to a son only months older than Pants.

When I was pregnant with Pants, we used to visit from New Orleans and our friend used to bring his baby boy over so that I could just hold a baby, damn it!  The patience of a pregnant first time mother is thin when it comes to touching the soft reward of baby skin.

Now that baby boy has lost his father.  His mother has been absent for years, more or less.  The family asks if I will keep that baby boy while they try to make sense of this sudden void.

He is three.  He does not know nor understand.

So we play.  What else can we do?

Death defying.  Faith.

I fear every day that he will ask about his dad.  Every time Pants or Goose talk about their own dad, my stomach drops and I look at this baby boy whose father let me hold him, horde him, while I waited for my own baby boy.  While I felt my own growing boy kick this loving young father's son as he squashed my straining belly under his delicious baby weight.

Death defying.  Love.

The weeks pass.  The computer falls away, literally and figuratively. 

~~~

January.

We are home. 

That baby boy, that father's son, is gone now.  His mother has whisked him away.  Justice must be blind, after all.

I inhale my own life.  And the days pass.

Death defying.  Fortitude.

~~~

February.

No television.  No internet.

Words that have not crossed my mind in months:

Stats.
Feed count.
Technorati.
Social networking.
Rank.
Meme.
Google.
Links.
Incoming.

Death defying.  Silence.

~~~

March.

Life is green. 

The soles of my sons' feet are dirty.  Their faces are smeared.   Their smiles are clear.

There are birds in our yard.  We welcome them, feed them, beg them to fear not.  We will provide.

I turn the computer back on.  But only for a moment.  My priorities are different.  My needs are different.   My goals are different.

Yet I can't help but notice that there are birds of a different feather in my computer.  Looking.  Pecking at the piles of debris.  Wondering if anyone lives here now, after all this time.  If anyone will provide.

I am home again.  I will provide. 

But life is green.  And I have lavender, rosemary, ivy, and a Bottlebrush tree to plant today.   

Death defying.  Life.

...........................

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Comments

[Suburban Oblivion]

This is the friend I have missed so terribly these months. Beautiful.

[lilacspecs]

Glad to see your back and that being away gave you the time to focus on all those very important things. I missed reading you though...welcome back.

[sam]

I suppose we can forgive you for being gone so long. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I am glad that you've found a house for you and your family and I am SO glad that you're back!!

*hugs*

[Nell]

Welcome home. I am so sorry to heard about your friend.

[Annie]

I missed that feeling of reading a blog post and having the hairs on my arms and neck stand on end - you are one of the very few people who can do this!

I am desperately sorry to hear about your friend - tragic.

Forget about the stats, feeds, readers etc. My reader is broken and I've been visiting blogs directly, as the notion takes me - which suits me much better than watching for any new posts popping up in the reader - it's insane to waste that much time waiting to see if anyone has anything interesting to say!

Enjoy life with your boys in your new home Megan, you truly deserve all the richness and goodness that life has to offer.

Take Care!

[Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants]

Velvey-

Stop making me cry. Poor baby boy!

We have so needed our mom articulate!

Love ya, Fuss

[Krista]

I'm so glad you're back. So sorry for the little boy. I hope you have a chance to still be a small part of his life...
Everytime I would think of our trip to the Gulf Coast in 2006 I would wonder if you were okay, if you got your house and that was why you were not here in the blogging world.
I hope you can find the good balance between "real" life and the computer.

[Kori]

This is beautiful and sad and hopeful all at the same time; thank you so much!

[Erika Jurney, Plain Jane Mom]

So glad you're back and OK!!!

[shuey6]

and the wait only makes it sweeter. welcome back!

[MammaLoves]

So darned glad to have you back. Thanks for the recap. An eventful time you've had to say the least.

I've missed you. Really. I have.

[Rachel]

Wow, I can understand why you didn't have time to blog. I was one of those people who checked in periodically. I am glad you are okay. Congratulations on the house. How wonderful for you to have a place to call home again. It must mean so much after everthing you've been through the past few years.

And that poor baby. How awful for him, and everyone who loved his father. I hope he will be okay, that the universe will take care of him somehow.

[Christine]

Megan,I'm glad you're back. I've missed you...you inspire me.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. How tragic. Poor boy. I hope his mom has a change of heart and takes good care of him. My own heart is breaking for him, and you.

I don't do readers. I can't. It just isn't the same as visiting the sites of people I care about, seeing their faces, their banners, the world they have created online.

(Sometime, when you are more settled, I'd love to talk to you about your ebay store...I miss your tutorials, too! Our family's finances are desperate, and I need to find ways to make money from home.)

[Ramblin' Red]

Wow...powerful writing.

The circle of life is a hard one...this rebuilding of your own at the time that your friend's came to a screeching halt must have been terribly bittersweet.

(hugs)

[Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas]

You're back! I kept you in Reader waiting for you to pop up again.

Glad to see you.

[rachel]

Oh my goodness. So powerful, so sad, so beautiful and full of hope.
Wonderful.
Glad you're back, even though I didn't know you before.

[carrie]

i have missed you and am glad that you are back, but i am glad that you took this time for you and your family.

yay for a new house and for success with ebay. i'm so sorry about your friend, but i am so glad that his little one was able to spend time with you during that most difficult time. he was blessed.

yay for megan being back! <3

[Sarcastic Mom]

Oh, just beautiful, Megan. Good to see you again.

[andi]

Posts like this are the reason why I missed you so much. Just beautiful, my friend. After that recap, I can see why you were absent for so long. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened.

[Heather]

Welcome back!

You have such power with so few words!

Thank you for updating us so we can share your losses and celebrate your gains.

[In the Trenches of Mommyhood]

Was so glad to hear that you are back! Back up on my blogroll you go, girlie!

[Jenni]

I had just found you when you went silent. Glad you are well and settled in the new house.

[Jenni]

I had just found you when you went silent. Glad you are well and settled in the new house.

[Oh, The Joys]

It can only work on your terms.

So glad to be updated!!

[PreSchool Mama]

Hi

Just got here from Blog Catalog! Love the attitude!
I haven't been here long enough to know all the reasons for the absence, but it's great to have another Mom blogger back on track!

[crunchy carpets]

Life certainly keeps us on our toes....glad you seem to be weathering the storm and glad to see you back.

The blogworld is always waiting for you!

[Megan]

Thank you for your patience, ya'll. Your enthusiasm makes me excited!

[Shannon]

Wow. What a gorgeous post. So nice to have you back.

[Whymommy]

Welcome back. I missed you.