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August 2007

August 31, 2007

An Illustrated Guide To Exercising Fresh Mait Authori-tay.

Hello all you other velveteen relishers out there!  Yes, I'm speaking to those of you who revel in the threadbare.  If threadbare is your thang, then boy, are we in the right place together or what?!?  Because if you saw my bra, it would send you into reveling fits, I swear. 

But onto more important things.  This is Heather, Queen of Shake Shake and I'm Megan's guest poster of the day.  At a recent un-playdate, *ahem* I vaguely remember Megan asking me to guest post while she was on vacation and I vaguely remember protesting that I didn't like to guest post.  Come on Megan, I went on vacation myself and had no guest posters yet my blog still stands, which is a fact that is a mystery in itself.

Somehow here I am...guest posting.  How did that happen??  Another question I will have to add to my Mysteries of the Universe list and deeply contemplate at another time.

For now though, let's have some fun! 

I'm going to start the fun by asking a question:

Do you love fresh mait?

I love fresh mait.  In case you haven't heard, I AM a fresh mait authori-tay

If you are unsure exactly what a fresh mait authori-tay is, I encourage you to go read that link and find out.  The following pictures will not make much sense if you have no knowledge of what it takes to me a fresh mait authori-tay.

I'll wait.
.
.
.
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Now we're all on the same page and I can move on to illustrating......

How To Exercise Your Fresh Mait Authori-tay.

Sit back and revel in this.

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Mmmmmm.  Fresh Mait.

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Relish in the freshness.  Revel in the protein with no fillers.

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But WATCH OUT for sexually harassing pussies who are after your mait! Did you see how I was able to catch the evil of this pussy cat in the picture?  Look at the reflection on the table.  The evil eyes!  It's always the eyes that give the demons  away.

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I'll karate chop her ass.  I may have to look at her asshole every day, but I will not share my fresh mait!!

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Gasp!  Whose hand is that? Where did it come from? Is someone trying to come between me and my fresh mait?!?

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Oh shit, whatda I do?  Whatda I do?  I need a fix!  Give me a fix!!  Come on patch, help me out!

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Oh hell, he did NOT! Oh. My. Gawd.  That dickweed is standing between me and my fresh mait!  Who in the hell does he think he is?  He isn't respecting my fresh mait authori-tay!!!!

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Give me my fresh mait!  I want fresh mait!!  Agggggggghhhhh!!!!

And there you have it. I hope you've enjoyed this edition of How to Excercise Your Fresh Mait Authori-tay.  Tune in for my next bout of insanity as I reveal all of the wacked out things you can do with velveteen.  Let's just say the velveteen bunny is no more....it's all about the velveteen rat.

See ya then!

P.S.  Fart. Skid Mark Panties. Fart.

P.P.S.  Sorry, I had to help Megan out by raising her fart authori-tay a bit.  And I just had to share with Megan all of those crazy asses in the UK who google every damn day looking for skid marked panties.  May they perservert on her blog now too. 

August 30, 2007

Bed Buddies

Hi there!  I'm Mrs. Mustard from Cheeze Whiz and Mustard, blogsitting for Velveteen Mind.  You may remember me from such posts as this. Or you may not know me at all.  That's ok, you're about to get to know a LOT about me :)

I am at the tail end of a month long visit with my family, as we live 2 flights away from them. A typical meal at my mom's house usually involves conversations that most families would not have. Ever. So while sharing a meal with my parents, step-brother Ryan and his girlfriend Charlotte, and Tony, Ryan suddenly makes reference to his bed (which we are using while we're here) and the action going on IN the Bed.

Me: What?  TONY!  What did you talk about?

Tony: What?  Like it's a secret that we have sex. We were talking while we golfed.

Me:  Oh.  God.  Why would you talk about that??  On the GOLF COURSE!

Ryan:  Well, that would be the second Mustard* girl to have sex in my bed.

Tony:  Who else?  Oh, Talia?

Ryan:  Yeah, and that guy she was with...whatshisname...Joe?

Me:  Oh yeah. I think for a little bit.  Wait, is that MY old bed from when I lived at home?

Ryan:  Yes it is.

Me:  Oh, then there have been LOTS of... and I catch myself before making me into a teenage slut, which I most certainly was NOT. But seeing how the bed has been through 11 years and teen owners, it has had its share of funky times.

But now, for your entertainment, and to scare all parents of teens, I present to you:

A Brief History of the Bed

  • Purchased in 1996 and placed in my brand newly finished bedroom. A double bed all to myself! Although I am kicked out every time we have company from out of town. I assume there may have been some funky times going on then.
  • 1998 - a bee-u-ti-ful boy, let's call him Brayden, made a debut appearance for the entire male species on the Bed. Nothing kinky or confessional-worthy. Just good old random adolescent fooling around.
  • 1999 - the Bed is once again relegated to an instrument of sleep and possible late night reading. Sometimes there were late night phone conversations. Or sleepovers of the female persuasion. No action whatsoever. Not a good year for me OR the Bed.
  • 2000 - a few nights with a certain "friend", let's call him Trent, although nothing so far as to insight worry of getting fat, if you know what I mean. Then there was my boyfriend, let's call him Bob, which lasted about a month or so. He liked the bed, but he wanted to give it WAY more action than I thought appropriate. The Bed needed to be EASED into such things. So he skidaddled, and my bed was left alone. AGAIN. Did I mention that teenaged boys are stupid?
  • Fall of 2000 - I moved away to go to University, and my bed stayed behind. It was always waiting for some real action, but whenever I came home to visit, I was always alone. Until...
  • New Year's Day, 2001 - Tony and I were awake at 3 am or so, lying in the Bed, and we whispered THE WORDS to each other. But still, no funkiness. We were holding out for a wedding. I know, we're such good Catholic kids :P
  • 2002 - My sister Talia takes over the Bed, and it sees many a romp-around with a couple of boyfriends. I honestly cannot believe that she could even FIND the Bed under the mounds of laundry and papers, but maybe they just did it on top. Her poor teachers who had to mark those tainted assignments. Whatever. Minor details.
  • 2003 - Ryan takes over the bed. I assume he's had some fun in it with Charlotte in the past 4 years, but I really don't have any details to share. I just assume that the Bed is a bit of a playground.
  • August, 2007 - I am in the Bed once again, but hardly sleeping, as the baby in the next room keeps waking me up all night and the man sleeping with me has a tendency to talk and snore in his sleep. That, and there may have been a tussle or two. We ARE trying for another baby, remember. Purely functional. No fun whatsoever.

Surprisingly, the Bed is still in pretty good shape. Fairly comfortable, and full of secrets that whisper to you in the night: what was that, Bed? Change the sheets?! I'll get right on that...

If you are STILL reading and want to know more about Mrs. Mustard, come and visit my house.

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August 29, 2007

Camille was a Lady. Katrina was a Bitch.

Perfectpostaug07

The pictures you see throughout this post are of dead oak trees along the Mississippi Gulf Coast, turned into sculptures after their destruction.  A hurricane wiped out our coastline two years ago today.  It's reach was far and wide.  It's winds destroyed homes miles inland.  It's tornadoes destroyed neighborhoods miles inland.  Hours inland.  It's winds picked up the Gulf of Mexico and forced it into our homes.  Miles inland.  The Gulf of Mexico's waters found their way through our bayous, bays, and waterways.  Miles inland.

Img_5691b
 

It wasn't just the fools on the beach like me that lost everything.

Bodies of the victims are still being found today.  Did you know that?

We lost our home.  We returned from evacuation to find a bare slab of concrete.  But we aren't victims.  We refuse to be victimized.

Yet we still mourn.  We mourn it all.

Unlike a house fire that destroys your home, unlike the attacks on 9/11 that killed so many and destroyed the livelihood of even more, the effects of Hurricane Katrina stretched for miles.  For hours worth of miles.  We lost our homes, our jobs, our cars, our churches, our schools, our hospitals, our libraries, our public transportation, our grocery stores, our parks, our roads and bridges connecting our communities, our government buildings,  our museums, our historical landmarks...  we lost so much that we called home.   There was nowhere to go to escape the destruction.  Everywhere you went, you were reminded of what was lost.  There was no escape.

Two years later, the depression and suicide rates are on the rise.  Did you know that?

Drive down the beach today and you still find mostly...  nothing. 

Img_5692b

Bare slabs of concrete.  Half demolished plantation homes.  Hollowed out stores.  Hollowed out churches.  Fields of FEMA trailers full of sick families, choking on formaldehyde fumes, forced to remain because there is no affordable housing and they are still paying a mortgage on a slab of concrete.

People ask me all the time, "So, is everything getting back to normal down there?"  Simply, yes.  Simply, no.  We are working on rebuilding, but not the lives that we once shared.  We are rebuilding a very different Gulf Coast.  I think it will be for the better.  I think we will find a multitude of blessings, if we just open our hearts and our minds to recognize them.

I'm holding one in my arms right now.  Had I been home and organized, I never would have had Goose.  Yep, I have a hurricane baby.   

The Mississippi Gulf Coast will be better than ever.  Give it five years and see.  It will be amazing.  So much is already changing.  So many fabulous things are coming in, moving in, being built.  It will be beautiful.  It will be new.  It will be charming and inviting.

And there will be nothing stopping it from being wiped out all over again.

Img_5694b

There will be nothing stopping a massive wall of water and mile wide winds that last for hours from just wiping it clean off the map.  Again.

You decide to take a risk.  We decided to take a risk by moving to the beach.  We had just moved from New Orleans a couple of months before and thought a beach home would be fun while we decided where to lay our roots.  And it was fun.  For a minute. 

We will probably never return to the beach.  Nowhere near waters that can rise up and claim our home.  We will not risk it again.  It's too difficult, no matter how beautiful.Dolphintreeb

In case you were wondering, we did have insurance.  In fact, we had "hurricane insurance."  Unfortunately, I failed to realize that so-called hurricane insurance doesn't pay squat if, say, it rains during the hurricane.  All your stuff blown up into a tree?  "Well, it's wet, too, so we can't figure out what did the damage, ma'am.  Sorry.  No money for you."  Or, in our case, "Hey, where is your stuff?  All we see is a slab of concrete.  How are we supposed to know if you had any wind?  No money for you.  Now scram!  And stop calling us."

By the way, hurricanes are defined by their wind velocity.  It was called Hurricane Katrina.  Not Rainy Flood Katrina.  But whatever.  Oh, and yeah, that's some of our stuff up in that tree above the water line.  Guess some of those trained dolphins from the oceanarium must have kicked it up there with their flukes when they were washed into the Gulf.  No way we had wind.

But I digress.

We choose to remain here on the Gulf Coast.  Living anywhere near a coastline is a risk.  Yes, even those hotsy totsy New York City dwellers.  Nothing keeping them from being wiped out by Hurricane Vinnie.  And, no, there is nothing keeping Hurricane Boudreaux from wiping out New Orleans again, regardless of how high they build their levees.  No matter what they do to change their government.  No matter how many times Brad Pitt smiles in the 9th Ward.

But I bet you've heard enough about New Orleans today.

Dolphinfaceb

So, if you would, do me a favor.  When anyone talks to you today about New Orleans, remind them that we are still here in Mississippi.  In fact, there are still some crazy folk over in Alabama along the coastline, too.  A hurricane wiped us out two years ago today and we are still here.  It wasn't our local government's fault, we don't have a crazy mayor to point fingers at, so it's not as interesting to talk about for the media, but it still happened.  A mighty wind done blew us down.  Took us out to sea.  Left us with nothing...

Except our manners.  Our pride.  Our determination.  Our anger.  Our spirit.  Our sadness.  Our charity.  Our gratefulness.  Our elbow grease.  And, yes, our hope.

So we make do with what we have.  We turn the dead forms of majestic oaks along the beach into beautiful sculptures and we do it with chainsaws.  Testaments to our determination and faith and hope.  Testaments to our ferocity and livid persistence.  We spit in the placid blue eye of Mother Nature.  We dare her to rear her powerful head again.  We take chainsaws to the scraps she leaves us with and we tell her to bring it on.  We're not leaving.  We'll take the risk and we'll rebuild again if we have to, and we'll do it ourselves.

In Mississippi, we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and we forge ahead.  Let 'em talk about New Orleans  and their politics all day long.  We have work to do over here.  Stop your jabbering and pick up a shovel and a hammer.  It will be a long day, but it will feel good to sweat it out.  When we're done, the crawfish and beer are on me.

Pinch the tail and suck out the headThere's a hurricane party every time it blows!

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Img_5687b All governmental assistance politics aside, it is important for me to mention that the American Red Cross was an incredible help after Hurricane Katrina.  They drove around our neighborhoods providing hot meals to workers, volunteers, and weary young families that just didn't feel like eating another sandwich in the dark.   Seeing the Red Cross truck drive down our road was always a welcome sight.

We put aside our pride and accepted help from the Red Cross in the days after Katrina and now make it a priority to begin paying them back.   If you are looking for a solid organization to which you can donate, I highly recommend the American Red Cross.  I saw first-hand how they use the funds we donate and it was astonishingly refreshing. 

They didn't fix everything; they made it easier for us to survive while we fixed it ourselves.

Want to do more yourself?  Want to come visit me down here?  Check out the relief organization Hands On Gulf Coast.

*By the way, "Camille was a Lady" is a reference to Hurricane Camille in 1969.  The worst hurricane to destroy the Gulf Coast, before Hurricane Katrina.  While a more powerful storm than Katrina, it's duration was shorter and it's reach was not nearly as wide.  The size and duration of Katrina is what made her the worst natural disaster in the history of the United States.  Camille slipped in, tore up the place, and slipped out.  Katrina stuck around awhile, called us names and insulted our mammas.

The American Red Cross

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August 28, 2007

Old Lady Farts and Blog Stats Revealed

Ya'll don't even know.  So I'm going to tell you.

After asking for people to step up and offer to guest post for me while I'm gone, I received a fair number of "I would love to do it but there's no way you would want a small-time blogger like me tanking your stats."  I'm paraphrasing.  Now here comes the "ya'll don't even know" part:

My stats stink. 

There I said it.  And in a minute I'm going to go one better and share them with you.  I know talking about stats is about as distasteful as talking about money, but I have a point.  By the way, it's too late for anyone to back out of the guest posting job now that you are about to find out that my blog smells like cheese and old lady farts.

Let me back up a second, though...  Woah.  Peee-eeeewww!  You should never back up through old lady farts.

I was talking to a fancy pants blogger recently and we got onto the subject of blog statistics.  Who knows how, because talking about blog stats makes my stomach weak and then, well, there you get your old lady farts.  (I'm trying to break a record for using that phrase, apparently.  Now must make it post title.)  In any case, we started talking about audience size and blog promotion and other bloggy things.

This Bad MoFo (but totally modest) blogger stated that her approach to all things bloggoly is to forget the inconsequentials and just write.  Don't sweat audience size or stats.  What's the point, anyway? To become famous on the internet?  That is, quite literally, a joke.

Write and write well and your audience will find you.  Or not.  But write anyway.

Yes, it would be fabulous to become famous writers.  Yes, it would be wonderful to have 72 comments for every post we deign to share with the world.  But what are the odds?  Actually, I'm sure someone out there could very specifically tell me the odds, but I'm guessing they aren't good.  So we reexamine our priorities.

Community.  That is what sits at the top of my list.  Not surprisingly, that is what sat at the top of Mrs. Fancy Pants Blogger's list, too.  Easy for her to say, right, but it doesn't matter.  I noticed a comment she left for an admirer the other day, responding to a comment that said something along the lines of "I'm flattered that you noticed me."  Mrs. Bad MoFo responded with (again, paraphrasing) "...but you and I are the same."  Aaaah, and we get to the crux of the matter.

The best part of blogging for me (so far, as I'm still waiting on previously mentioned fame and fortune) is finding other people that are quite like me.  Regardless of popularity.  Regardless of writing style.  Finding people with whom I can relate.  People who are sharing stories that resonate with me.

It is this sense of community that I am learning to embrace and encourage within my self.  Recognizing that I write for myself, but I write to you.

Which brings me back around to stats.  Audience size.  Number of comments.  Blah blah blah.  I totally think about this stuff.  I do.  I absolutely worried that my BlogRhet piece would die a horribly silent death with no comments and tank the BlogRhet stats.   I feel you self-proclaimed potential-tankers.  Each time I received an email saying that you'd like to guest post but don't think you are "good enough" (which is a laugh), I totally felt your boobs.  So I decided to show you my ass stats.

This was not actually my idea, though.  Aside from all of you that have discussed your Technorati ranking before, I StumbledUpon an article this morning that had been Stumbled by Passionate America, whose other blog, Passionate Blogger, I link to in my Google Share frequently. (edited to add that his most recent post regarding Website Grader is relevant to this post and completely worth checking out.  I ran the report he suggests and it's fascinating.  I wish I had seen that post before I wrote this one, would have saved myself a lot of time and work!) 

The post I StumbledUpon through Passionate America was 5+1 Golden Things Your Blog Can Earn By Posting Stats by Blogging Tune.  The points covered have more to do with SEO stuff and advertising advantages than are of concern to me at the moment, but I saw a greater point about community when I clicked on the stats he had previously posted himself.  Although his traffic is much higher than my own, I could actually compete with some of his other statistics. 

Why does this matter?  It doesn't, other than to say that I found myself relating to him.  Whereas moments before I was thinking that he clearly had no idea what it meant to be a small-time hustler like me. I mean, it's hard out here for a pimp.

Which made me think of those emails I received this week.  Which made me think of you.  Not you highfalutin' bloggers, but you. We're all in the same boat.  It's unstable and crowded and now stinks of old lady farts, but we are in it together.  If you are reading this, then you are probably blogging for the same reasons I am.  You and I are just the same.  Holla!

So to all of my upcoming guest posters, this is where I burst your bubble and reveal that you probably won't gain fame and fortune by posting on this here blog.  You might not even get double-digit comments.  But you can have a raucous good time.  And the only way to tank this blog is to keep it silent.

Now, with one swift blow of the Technorati hatchet, I hopefully end some of your hesitation and inhibitions.  I humbly present to you, the blog stats for Velveteen Mind:

  • Technorati Authority:  52 (although this one would be higher if ya'll would please stop linking to my old Typepad address and use www.velveteenmind.com instead :P)
  • Technorati Rank:  112,760
  • Feedburner Subscribers:  84 (fluctuates by about 10 every day)
  • Ave. Visitors Per Day:  136
  • Ave. Page Views Per Day:  217
  • Google Page Rank:  2 (out of 10, ouch!)
  • Old Lady Fart Rank:  5 (in this one post alone, not to be confused with Heather's overall Fart Authori-tay)

I've been blogging on and off since January 2007, having begun posting more regularly around  then end of March.

All that being said, ya'll be sure to leave lots of comments for my guest bloggers and make them feel right at home!  Meaning, talk a lot of smack just like ya'll do to me.  And lurkers, this would be the perfect time for you to delurk!

Tomorrow I'll post about the two year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  Then, when I get back from vacation (all I ever wanted!) it will be time for my 100th post!  There's a party over here--  a party over there--  Wave your hands in the air--  Shake your derriere!

 

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August 27, 2007

SUPERBAD Post on Drugs. Literally. Or not? Huh? What?

Ugh.  I should have started that guest posting thing yesterday because my brain is just not functioning.  Too many decongestants does not do a body good.  In fact, it specifically does a blog bad.

Hey, did somebody say "bad?"  Did you mean SUPERBAD?Superbadposter   Because, if you did, I can totally talk about that movie for about an hour.  I loved it! 

Yep, I made another mad solo dash to the movies this weekend and found myself smack dab in the middle of a theater full of teenage boys laughing about penis jokes.  And, yes, I was right there with them, laughing along and thoroughly enjoying my nachos and big ole vat of Coke.  Okay, I was mostly cringing and shaking my head in embarrassment, but I thought it was hilarious.  And I'm going to marry Michael Cera (he plays Evan, the one on the right in the poster), who used to be on Arrested Development, which I adored.

Oh, and McLovin.  Seriously.  McLovin.

Maybe it was those damn decongestants.  Well, if ya'll give me another smackdown over my taste in entertainment, then I'll know it really was the decongestants.  I've been high for about a week now.

Wait, should I be able to taste the colors in Elijah Wood's outfit while he's doing the "Puppet Master" dance?  No?  This is a problem?  Should call doctor?  Penis jokes not really funny? 

Man, I need to get off these meds.  OTC meds, but meds nonetheless.  I'm starting to think that the combination I'm taking might break down into basically, say, Ecstasy in my system.  There is a distinct possibility that I'm on smack right now and I don't even know it.

So, the whole point of this post (ha.  a point.  right.) is to say thank you to all of ya'll for offering to guest post this week and next.  I have a virtual roster full of fabulous bloggers lined up and am in the process of mapping out how to make it work right now.  Given my current state of incoherence, that is almost a joke.  Except it won't be when ya'll start receiving my emails and can't figure out why I'm telling you that your guest author password smells like blue.

God speed, ya'll.Mclovin

McLovin.  Just because I like to say it.  And I like to look at it.  Hence, the pictures.  McLovin.

God, I swear I was smarter, like, a week ago.


 



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