Tattle-Tale

"I have a need for everyone to follow the rules and admit when they are wrong.  I guess it's a 'tattle-tale' issue."

That was the line I just delivered to my dad during his impromptu visit to our house so that he could say hey to the boys.  While here, he brought up my recent post-edit about comment deletion and my strong stance against it.  His response to my revelation about needing to impose order in an unruly world was little more than a blank stare, a roll of the eyes, and a look that said, "Hi, have we just met?  This is not news."

I have been fighting a losing battle to make the world bend to my opinions my entire life.  The "rules" I want people to follow are mostly rules I have made up in my head.  If I could pass them into law, I would, but that requires a lot of organization and probably at least a few business suits. 

"Your expectations are too high" is something I've heard so often that I would like to announce that from now on, all you have to say is "Code Flying Pigs" and I'll know what you mean.  Yet I keep plowing right along, acting surprised and disappointed when people make decisions that I disagree with, or at the very least would not have made myself.  You know, wrong decisions.

(that was a joke-- are the trolls still sticking around?)

Needless to say, it should come as no surprise that I was fascinated by all of the different takes on how I could have handled finding a three year old boy alone in Hellboy II the other night.  You were all refreshingly honest about how you would have handled it and that is what made it so interesting. 

If you haven't read it already, the brief rundown is that while poking my head into Hellboy II on my way out of the local movie multiplex, I found a three year old boy sitting alone in the passageway into the screening room, wrapped in a blanket, watching the movie alone at midnight.  After a bit of hesitation and disbelief, I pulled up a little piece of dimly illuminated hallway with him and kept him company for the duration of the movie, trying to distract him during scary parts, and then accompanied him to the exterior hallway after the movie was over.  After some lost-in-translation Spanglish, a handful of siblings appeared out of the other theatres to claim him and I went about my business, a little more disillusioned than when I had entered the theatre over three hours earlier.

But I couldn't help wondering if I made the right choice.  The right choice of multiple choices available, all which raced through my mind while I made "ew" and "yuck" faces at him during the movie.  Here is what you said:   

• 9 of you would have done the same thing I did, which is sit with him until someone claimed him but not report it to management
• 2 of you said you would have left him alone and minded your own business
• 13 of you would have taken him to management
• 3 of you would have left him where you found him and went for management yourself
• 4 of you would have called the police

So why did I choose to do what I did?

Leaving him alone was certainly a thought that crossed my mind.  More specifically, "What are you getting yourself into?" is what crossed my mind, but I was already sitting down, so there was no turning back.  I never could have stopped wondering what happened to him.

Likewise, leaving him alone while I went for management was not a viable option for me because had he been gone when I returned, I would have tortured myself with doubt.  Pretty much, I claimed responsibility for him from the moment I saw him and wasn't going to relinquish it until the responsibility was handed over.

That leaves us with taking him to management and/ or calling the police.

I mentioned that I am a tattle-tale, right?  I not only want people to be called out for their mistakes, but to admit the mistake and make amends for them, as well.  "An eye for an eye" just makes us even in my book; the punishment begins after we are even.

And no, the irony is not lost on me that I was in effect "stealing" the last 15 minutes of a movie.  I went in that room with that intention, so the boy was no excuse.  In fact, I routinely "steal" up to 30 minutes of movies before and after the film for which I have bought a ticket.  In my defense, I never watch more than 30 minutes, because that would just be wrong. (insert the equivalent of a wink here.)  I think of it as an extended preview; if 30 minutes is good, I definitely buy a ticket the next time around.

I never said that my rules are necessarily based on law.  They are also subject to change without notice.  I will admit that being a subject in my queendom would be challenging, at best.

Nevertheless...

Something about how comfortable this little boy appeared (in the situation, not as an audience member of Hellboy II) told me that this was not the first time he had watched a movie in this theatre at midnight by himself.  He had a blanket, which just said "I came prepared" to me.  Then, when his siblings appeared, everything about their relaxed demeanor told me that this was routine for them.

For the record, had no one showed up to claim him after the movie, I would have delivered him to management and stuck around until the situation was resolved.    However, my initial suspicion that one of their parents must work at the theatre was confirmed when the oldest girl nodded in response to my question, "Does your mom work here?"

As far as I could tell, their mother worked the late shift at the theatre and used the movies as babysitters.  This was more or less confirmed when the oldest girl said, motioning to the double sign indicating either Hellboy II or WALL-E as the movie showing on that screen, "Yeah, he always thinks that movie is WALL-E."

Given this, I could have marched them all to management, or at least to their mother, and lectured everyone involved about how wrong it is for kids their age to be out at midnight, let alone watching a horror movie.  But I didn't, for the same reason I did not call the police.

What if management didn't know their mother was doing this and she was therefore fired?  She would have to find another job, which around here might mean working at a casino, and then what would she do about child care?  Who knows what shift she would have to take and there are far worse places for kids to be at midnight than in a movie theatre, in the same building as their mother, who can probably check in on them occasionally, should she so choose.

Look, I know this is a lot of conjecture on my part, but this was my thought process in a dark theatre, watching a scary movie, in the middle of the night with a tiny little boy I did not know.  I wanted to do right by him, but doing right by him in the short term and the long were two different things.  My need to make everything "right" by my book might not be "right" for his life.

By the same reasoning, had I called the police, I may have been doing more than punishing the mother for making a bad decision.  If she was, in fact, an illegal immigrant, I can't imagine the consequences.

So I stayed with him until I could turn him over to someone that could claim him as their own.  I didn't take him out of there because even touching him seemed like crossing a line.  I didn't turn anyone in because the repercussions were more than I could reasonably predict.  Instead, I tried to help him out and distract him for a short period of time during which I could reasonably predict the repercussions.  Hellboy II is not a movie for toddlers, in case you were wondering.

I still don't know if what I did was right, but I thank you for your opinions.  You all felt so strongly about it and it was seriously fascinating.  Can you imagine what that scene would have been like had we all been there?  Mad chaos, to say the least.

I still don't know if what I did was right.  It felt right, but sometimes beating people over the head until they cry "Uncle!" feels right.  Figuratively, not literally. 

When you open yourself up to what is happening around you, it is amazing what you will find.  If you just scratch the surface, you might stumble into a world of underground theatre children, for whom spending their nights at the movies may become just footnotes in the story of what their mother did to provide for them.  Or for whom you may be provided a single opportunity to help and you blow it because you don't want to make things worse. 

I still don't know if what I did was right.

...........................

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Comments

[Missives From Suburbia]

I confess it never would have crossed my mind that his mother worked at the theater, and I would have walked him out and into the arms of Management. I might have handled it differently, but I think the way you did it was very thoughtful and kind.

[RiceWenchie]

You were his angel that night. I would have done the same thing, sitting with him, talking with him. A number of years ago I would have made a different decision. Tattling, as it were, to whatever authorities were available. I TRY to stop and put more thought into situations that I am faced with... I suppose that is sign of the 'maturing' *eyeroll* process. Whut-evar!

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

You know, you just have to own the decision you make. Many times you play the "should I have..." game and it can drive you crazy because, well, there's nothing you can do about it now. I just hope that little boy stays safe because not everyone who's sit in that hallway in the dark will have the good caring heart you do...I think that vulnerability is what would have made me make the decision I would have in your shoes.

[Auds]

In my opinion, I think you did the right thing because it's what I would have done. But much like you, I would have questioned it over and over again.

It's heartbreaking to me, as I have a two year old, to think of her alone, wrapped in a blanket in a dark place, watching something that would probably scare her silly and cause nightmares for a long time. I just can't fathom it.

But...I am not in the position of the mother of that child, and not facing the same challenges she is.

It's sad, any way you look at it.

[Annie]

First of, and I've said this to you before, having high standards and expectations of people is a good thing.

Being outspoken about the fact that you are disappointed when people fail to live up to these expectations is also honourable.

Understanding and accepting that invariably people will not hold the same standards and expectations shouldn't, in my view, dilute our own stance, if that makes any sense.

As far as the movie theatre goes - what else could you have done? You didn't turn a blind eye. You carefully considered the implications of alternative actions (not sure I'd have done the same thing - I may have been too incensed that someone had left their kid in there and mouthed off to someone about it without thinking). You made sure that the child was safe - you protected him.

What you did was right, Megan.

[Annie]

I promise you - I can spell, usually!

'First off ....'

[Llama Momma]

This story just makes me want to cry. Seriously.

[Jen @ blissfullycaffeinated]

I still think you did absolutely the right thing. It wouldn't have done any of those kids any good for their mom to have lost her job. You made sure he was safe and that someone claimed him. Reporting the situation to the manager or police would have possibly disrupted their lives.

And while I personally would never allow my kids (2 and 4) to watch Hellboy or even be awake at that time of night, it was obviously part of their routine.

What is right for me and my kids may not be the right thing for that mom and her kids. What's right for her is to work so she can feed those little ones. We don't have to like it, but that's the way it is.

Which I think is the point of your post.

I hope you are not beating yourself up over this. You hanled it much better than most of us would have, judging from the comments.

[Bec (Bad Mummy)]

I probably would have asked him where his mother was and/or taken him to management, BUT you're rationale makes a lot of sense to me and so, despite my own instincts, I think what you did was right. There most definitely are worse places for kids to be at midnight, better a theatre then home alone.

[Megan]

This situation still fascinates me, not because I'm beating myself up over it, but because of all of the implications. I share it with ya'll because of how many different ways it could have gone.

Nah, it's not like I'll likely run into this again any time soon, but still. It's interesting to explore. Ya'll are thoroughly interesting to explore with, too.

[ourcrookedtree]

I normally react quickly and would have marched him to management. I would not have taken the time to think of the repercussions if his mom did in fact work there. Good for you!

[Rachel]

In the late '60s my mom found herself widowed and raising three boys on her own, without so much as a high school diploma. She took a job at a Pizza Hut and my brothers still talk about the late nights they spent in the kitchen there, sleeping under the ovens and eating pepperoni while doing their homework and waiting for the restaurant to close. Sometimes being a mother means that you have to take kids with you into a less than ideal situation, so that you can actually do your job of mothering them.

[Kate]

I absolutely would have done the same thing. So I think you did the right thing. Of course while I was reading this, I felt like I was on the inside of my own head.

The most important thing is that you cared enough to try to do the right thing and that you considered not just what was right in theory - but what the people involved would have wanted and needed from you.

You are a good person. (that sounds trite and simplistic - but I can't think of a better way to say it)

[Felice]

Oh, holy crap.

I have no idea what I would have done. I think what you did was the right thing and very thoughtful and I really appreciate being able to read about it. Reading it made me very emotional -- imagining that little boy in the theater is enough to make me cry, thinking about the mother who possibly has such a crappy situation that she has to use the theater as childcare is enough to make me very riled up.

[cagey]

Because of varying work schedules, then later because of divorce, I was left alone in a lot of situations as a child that would now be considered inappropriate, if not downright reportable.

Overall, I think we are quick to judge parents. Period. The scary thing is that the situation you described is the sort that brings the vigilante out in some folks. The same folks who "tsk tsk" at us because we let our pre-schooler play on the sidewalk *gasp* by the street *gasp*. Reality? The majority of parents truly love their children and only want right by them.

Great post, BTW.

[blogversary]

Wow, I never even thought of the fact his mother might have worked there.
I think by all accounts you did right. I honestly don't know what I would have done. But, I think my heart would have gone the way yours did.

[Kat]

We all do what we can. The whole thing saddens me. Sadly children don't always get the best thing, neither do adults sometimes. But we all do what we can to make things better. You made a choice and stood up - or sat down rather - to help a child so for what it's worth in my book that means you did right.

[pgoodness]

I know you didn't post this for a pat on the back, but I wanted to anyway. :)

I think the fact that you thought it through - that you were willing to hang out with him just in case - says a tremendous amount about you as a person and a mother. Yes, his mother could have lost her job, or heaven-forbid, her children if the wrong people had gotten involved. It was very intelligent and caring of you to do what you did. I only hope I would do the same if faced with the same situation.

[Megan]

I definitely did not tell ya'll about this for a pat on the back. Quite the contrary: I still worry that I left him and/ or his siblings open to being hurt by someone because I did not report them.

See my concern? I really am not torturing myself over it, but wouldn't you wonder? I suppose we can't always make decisions and know definitively that they are right, but still. This was a tough one.

And I really love hearing how ya'll would have handled it, so if you didn't speak up in the last post, tell me now. It doesn't make me feel bad if you would have done something differently, it just makes me think that much more about my thought process that night.

[Stephanie]

So, I have been checking your blog incessantly for the last few days hoping to catch your post about Jon and Heather that you promised. It is interesting to read this about not tattling. Is this your way of telling us that you won't be posting what you said you would? I have to say, I am a sucker for the drama but feel so happy that this isn't a post about them. I could be reading too much into it because of my own agenda, but if you have chosen not to post about them for the same reasons that you didn't tattle on this kid's mama, it makes me feel happy inside. Happy inside like a commercial where someone does something nice and, after those 90 seconds, it comes full circle.

Moderator: http://zakiye.blogspot.com

[JCK]

I feel for that little boy wrapped up in his blanket. You have such a kind heart.

[Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake]

Right or wrong? Bleck, such vague and mysterious qualifications, no?

Megan, you're "tattle-tale" issue = anal-retentive. Just go ahead and come out of the closet and join us open anal-retentives. Soon we'll have you overachieving just like us.

When you are as perfect as we are, everyone *should* follow our made up rules. I mean, come on! Every rule out there is made up anyway, as is the entire world. Reality is an illusion! (this is what the kool-aid does to your thinking)

In certain philosophies, there is no right or wrong, only what is. You made sure the boy was safe with family, and that seems right in my mind.

[Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake]

BTW, when are we doing dinner? I have some kool-aid for you.

[Megan]

You did something, which makes me think you did the right thing. Honestly I don't know that I would have taken as much action as you did.

[Kateanon]

I think we all look back at those moments and wonder if we've done the right thing. I am a big proponent of go with your gut. Instincts are the best thing we've got. And the high expectations thing? I should borrow the code...

[susie]

I think the important thing here is that there were consequences to each of the those "right" choices. You point out the long and short-term consequences. Whatever the reason he was in the movie theatre at midnight, he was probably safer there than some alternatives. And you don't know his whole story. Police involvement, pulling him out of there - all could have been more traumatic than sitting through a scary movie. I don't know what I would have done - but it looks like you thought your choice through - a lesson for the rest of us.

[T with Honey]

This is one of those situations where you can never know what the right answer is/was. Without all of the facts from all the angles (mom's situation, immigration status, etc) you can't know what would have been best. You pick a solution that is some shade of gray but looks the closest to white that you can come up with.

And the fact that you, and now all of us are so concerned is a sign that there is some good in the world.

[Lizzi]

Megan, when I first started reading your post, my initial thought was "why doesn't she take him to the manager, or call the police or something?". Sitting with that little boy didn't seem to "solve the problem." Like you, I am always trying to fit the square world into my round view, and it never works. If only everyone would just play my way, things would be perfect.

But you know what? I never even thought about the circumstances that you took the time to work through, and I agree that the consequences of some of the alternatives could be just awful.

I don't know if I would have done the same thing as you or not. But I give you a ton of credit for thinking it all through and not only doing something besides just walking by and minding your own business, but making an obviously difficult and well thought out choice.

[MammaLoves]

Tough situation. I hate the idea of messing up a woman's job, but knowing myself, I might have done just that by accident. I tend to act first and ask questions later. I'm trying as I get older to be more cautious, but it's hard. It's just a gut reaction.

[Les]

You were right! Les

[Loralee]

You know, I am a big believer in doing what your gut instinct says to do. I've met you, I think that you a very together person and frankly...I trust your judgment.

[SciFi Dad]

New reader to your blog, so I did not have an opportunity to comment on the original post.

The thing is, while I get what you're saying about the mother doing the best she can, and that calling management may have cost her the job, you could not have known that in the moment. Life isn't a book that you can read the last page first, and then make decisions accordingly. Life if a series of (when you boil it down) yes or no questions that you answer.

For myself, a three year old alone in a theatre would have gotten my attention. If the movie wasn't something inappropriate (Wall-E) I would probably leave the child and seek out management. If the movie was scary (Hellboy) then I'd take the child with me to management.

I see the logic in your decision to stay with the child and eventually not tell management, but for me personally (note that I am not judging you, I am saying how I would feel about acting that way) I find that level of inaction an insufficient response. If nothing else, finding their 3 year old with the manager would serve as a wakeup call for someone who isn't acting as a responsible parent.

All of the above is viewed from the moment you find the child, NOT through the lens of knowing that the child was left by a mother with no other child care means (presumably - although the absence of any neighbour or relative is surprising).

In hindsight, I guess what you did makes sense: you waited to learn more about the situation than just acting on impulse. However, I have a long history of the latter, so habits are hard to break.

[Megan]

It's important that I stress that I did not write about this situation in hindsight. I didn't rehash the oringinal post's details because I just posted it a couple of days ago, but all of this documents my on-the-spot thought process.

Knowing that his mother worked there is not what made me do what I did. Suspecting that his mother worked there did. Knowing it is simply what made me leave, ultimately, without reporting them.

I think writing about this in hindsight as though I was psychic would be sort of cheating you. I urge you to read the original post for the details, which I didn't want to submit my regular readers to because I literally just wrote about it a couple of days ago. You'll see all of the thoughts that crossed my mind as I sat with him, why I sat down in the first place, what I expected to happen as I sat there, and what did happen.

No matter what, it was a tough situation. But leaving him or touching him was never an option, which you will see. For me, the hindsight questions revolve around whether or not I should have reported them to management after he was claimed by his siblings. He did not speak English and I don't think I could have persuaded him to even follow me to management, as he was literally laying on the floor after the movie. Okay, just read the first post. Please. I'd love to know what you think then.

[Alli {Mrs. Fussypants}]

I like what Annie said.

What you did was right. If not, I would've called you and hassled you about it.

heh.

[Alli {Mrs. Fussypants}]

Ok, I do have issue with one part.

Hellboy? Really?

The Velveteen Mind wanted some Hellboy?

~~raises eyebrow suspiciously~~

[Amy]

I'm not sure how I would have handled it- probably depends on where my own kids were at the moment, and how anxious the babysitter was that we get home ASAP. I am so glad you chose to connect with the boy and hang out with him. It's hard to be a parent- even harder when you're being judged and not helped with childcare.

And I think Hellboy would have done the same thing : )

[ali]

how did i miss this?

(oh yes. i was dying from food poisoning)

i would have done exactly what you did. it's the whole getting the kid to come with me thing...and the language barrier. and, like you, i'd always wonder if i'd done the right thing.

[The Glamorous WAHM]

My question in all of this is, why you felt the need to mention that they (the boy's family) were speaking spanglish? Did you feel the need to let your audience know that they were Hispanic and this is what Hispanic people do? What was the importance of mentioning this? Now as far as the boy, I would have taken him out of the movie and reported it to management. But, it was very nice of you to do what you did. Thank God you weren't some nut job lurking in the theater!

[Tara@From Dawn Till rusk]

Crikey, I don't know why on earth you would worry about it! You did what you thought was right at the time. End off. What does it matter what others thought or what they would have done? If you ask 30 people what they would do if this this and that, you can pretty much guarantee that they will be divided into 5 different camps. And I would probably change my mind and say something totally out there just to be awkward.

[Megan]

I was wondering when someone would take the fact that the little boy spoke only Spanish out of context...

"Spanglish" was a quick reference to a detailed account of our conversation after the movie was over that I provided in the original post. No, the little boy spoke only Spanish. I was speaking English, with a bad mix of Spanish. I mentioned it because the language barrier was part of the problem.

Does that make sense?

In response to Tara, I asked for the sake of discussion. I thought it was fascinating hearing everyone's else's takes on it. But then, by that reasoning, why would I even have a blog because every single thing I do is going to be interpreted differently and often misinterpreted.

Sometimes it is interesting to hear other people's takes on it.
Megan

[Megan]

Actually, now I have a question:

For those of you that understand that he spoke Spanish (or at the very least was not verbally responding to anything I said during the movie) and suggest that you would have taken him out of the movie and to management, how would you have done that? I mean, physically, how would you have done it?

Honestly, I was afraid to even touch him. I am genuinely asking, how would you have physically removed him from the movie? I couldn't figure that part out at the time, aside from the fact that if his parent really was in the same theatre, they would have freaked when I took him.

[Amanda]

I have only 1 free hand as I nurse Fin, so I'll be brief. I am grateful to live in a world where kids sitting alone don't always have to sit alone for long.

I say, bien hecho.

[manager mom]

Hm. I don't know what I would have done, but I think what you did was right. It's easy to speculate what we WOULD have done, but until you're actually faced with a situation you'll never know.

But as far as the movie "stealing", I am a long time "smuggler". I bring my own popcorn!

[Jen @ blissfullycaffeinated]

I don't think you could have physically taken him out of there. It's not like you're going to pick up a little kid that you don't know. You would have had to have gone to a manager and said, "Hey, there's a little boy all by himslf in theater # 5."

At least, that's how I would probably have played it, if I took action. Particularly given the language barrier.

Also, not sure why you're getting flak for discussing the language issue. You weren't saying he was alone in the theater because he was Hispanic. It was simply the way it was. He spoke Spanish, you spoke English. No editing that out. I think the commenter who mentioned that is looking for prejudice where there is none.

[Dorothy Stahlnecker]

What's really important is that you did something. Most people would have pretended they didn't notice.

I doubt you could change much in this kids life except cause more issues if you'd acted any differently.

Blessings and I hope this doesn't plaque you...

Dorothy from grammology
http://grammology.comm

[Susan]

I'm glad you stayed, if only for your own peace of mind. Obviously it's not an ideal situation, although the kids seemed to have it under control. We're looking at the theater as a public place, but the kids may consider it a second home. And dang, I had to leave Horton Hears a Who because my 5 year old was scared. Hellboy would put her right straight into therapy.