Internet Fame is for the Nerds: Post-BlogHer Identity

(edited below for clarification on 8/10/08)

As I was packing for San Francisco to attend the BlogHer 2008 blog conference, I was confident of two things about myself:  I write a decent blog with one hand and change dirty diapers with the other.  I know who I am and I know right where I belong.

If anything, attending BlogHer would have one of two results for me: 

1) I would discover that more people read this blog than I realize.

or

2) I would be put in my place as an anonymous face in a sea of anonymous faces.

I was pretty good with either of those outcomes because the real reason I was heading to BlogHer for the first time was to meet other bloggers, not promote my own blog.  I can talk about me any day, but I can only meet you on the very rare occasion.

What I discovered is that most of the friends I have made online are my friends in the flesh, as well.  I also discovered that I have far more friends than I realized.

The first time someone came up to me and asked, "Are you the Velveteen Mind?" I thought I was going to pass out from excitement.  How cool is that?  After sessions, during which I had to pipe up and hog the mic (being sure to say, "Hey, I'm Megan from Velveteen Mind" and hope someone would look me up on their laptop), there would sometimes be people lined up at my table to meet me.  Me.  How crazy is that?

It's bat-shit crazy, is what it is.

Then, somewhere around the 12th time someone approached me in the hall while I was talking to my elusive roommates and shared with me that they read my blog or follow me on twitter, it started to feel a little embarrassing.  It never embarrassed me if I was alone, but it kept happening in front of the same people and, honestly, I started to feel like a bit of a whore.

Like, "Gah, how much does she pimp herself on twitter, anyway?"  Yeah, pretty much just like that.  I could feel eyes rolling around me (not my roommates') and I felt like I should defend myself or explain away how these people knew me.

Because God forbid I have a popular blog or a heavily-followed twitter account.

Why does success feel so dirty in a platform like personal blogging?  It feels downright pornographic if you are a mom-blogger.

And before your eyes roll right out of your own head, let me clarify what I mean by "success."  On one floor, of one hotel, in one city, in one country, in all of the world, for one weekend...  a handful of people knew who I was and were excited to meet me.  Go up or down one level, step outside of our bubble, and it was all gone.

Internet celebrity is a farce.  It is meaningless.  It is fleeting.  And it is rampantly revered...  by people reading the Internet.

Ask your dad who Dooce is.  Then get back to me.

BlogHer was a schizophrenic's EEG.  Intoxicating high's (the recognition) and feet-to-ground lows (the blank stares in response to "I'm Megan from Velveteen Mind").  Trust me, my feet were solidly planted on the ground most of the time.  Half the time I wanted to say, "Yeah, I know, I totally made up that blog name.   I don't even own a computer." and the rest of the time I felt sure someone would ask for my autograph.

And that was all on that one floor of the hotel.  Step outside and I went right back to feeling foolish for admitting that I was at a blogging conference.  Surely someone would wonder where my Spock ears were.

The point of all of this is to reiterate that the deference given to big-name bloggers is laughable at best and damagingly naive at worst.  I thought I could let all of the post-BlogHer drama posts slide, but it finally came to a head for me today and I just have to beg you to stop.

These are real people.  They probably won't be "famous" next year.  Don't hesitate to reach out to them.  Don't hesitate to talk to them.  And don't be afraid to cross them if you disagree with something that they have said.

Engage them in a conversation.  Chances are, they are starving for real discussion.  No one respects a fangirl, but everyone loves knowing that their work is appreciated.  Get beyond that hurdle and you might be surprised at the human you find behind the blog.

I swear, I feel foolish even writing this because my in-real-life friends are going to be saying to themselves, "Is she serious?  These are just blogs."  Yeah, I am.  There were people who were too intimidated to approach me at BlogHer. 

That, my friends, is pterodactyl-shit crazy.

All of this is sort of ridiculous.  Yet, blogging has true value.  I learned that definitively at BlogHer.  And no matter your vitriol (I think it's a law that all bloggers use that word at least once), you can't change that for me.

By the way, I'm writing this on my couch, I haven't had a shower today, my sink is full of dishes, my boys may not have clean clothes for school tomorrow (working on that), and one of the highlights of my day is yet to come:  putting my sons down to bed, which includes reading a couple of books, rocking the two year old and singing "All You Need is Love," and then all three of us cuddling in bed for a minute while we talk about the stars projected on their ceiling.

I know right where I belong.

Because in two little hearts, in one home, on one street, in one city, I am the most famous person in all the world.  And there is infinite value in that.

~~~

(edited to add:  I was going to have a bunch of fun photos, but before I could upload them, I was flooded with emails telling me that a gracious yet very pointed comment I left on a big-name blogger's recent post was deleted.  I have never been censored in my life, so I'm sort of floored.  You know me.  Can you imagine what I would have had to write to get deleted?

Ah, the irony.  This post suddenly looks very naive to me.

That being said, unless the natives settle down considerably, my post on Monday will be called either "Inciting the Queen & King" or "Utah is the new China.")

***Final edit added 10:30pm 8/10/08: The comment deleted was my final comment made on a blog written by a Utah blogger named Jon Armstrong.  He is dooce's husband.  I do not care that Jon deleted my comment (one of 4 that I left as the conversation progressed), but rather that Jon evidently deleted the vast majority of all dissenting comments submitted to his post, none of which appear to have been hateful or malicious, but rather just disagreeing with his presentation of a story that had long since been settled.  His call, our opinions, his censorship.

Ultimately, his blog.  Again, he has the right to hide my opinion from you, as well as dozens of others.

Silencing dissenting opinions has never been a good thing.  As you will see in the comments of this post, I refuse to silence dissenting opinions as long as they do not attack my readers.  Regardless.  Transparency and humility are integral to this platform. 

Here are the facts, for your consideration:

1. Jon and Heather Armstrong live in Utah. 
2. China is infamous for viciously censoring all dissenting opinions.

Here is my opinion, for your entertainment:

Utah is the new China.

But it doesn't have to be.

Side note:  If you are here looking for drama, you might want to move along (after leaving your requisite hateful comment) because I rarely enter these frays.  If what you take away from the above post is that I actually think I am famous, then you probably won't "get" this blog.  You'll be disappointed when I start writing about "community" and "morals" and my kids again.  Good Lord, half the time I talk about the Discovery channel and Matt Lauer.  Move along.  Or don't.  That's your call.  You might want to consult my "comment policy" at the bottom of the page, though.

...........................

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Comments

[Ellie]

Beautiful. Just perfect. And *I* saw your comments on "a big-name blogger's recent post" -- oh, wait, I guess I saw your comments on a big-name blogger's husband's recent post.

Anyway, enough. Up from the rabbit hole I go. Back to my book. My tense, tense book.

But thanks.

[Dana]

I admire your balls.

[mothergoosemouse]

Well, no wonder I never met you. You had your own receiving line, and I never queued up.

(Teasing! Next year, okay?)

[Meredith from Merchant Ships]

Beautiful thoughts, Megan, especially the last line.

--from someone who's not at all interested in the BlogHer world but whose life has been enriched by many blog friendships...and who's only been recognized at the YMCA pool in a maternity bathing suit and at a thrift store wearing wrinkled clothes and no lipstick (!)

[Mrs. Flinger]

As someone who squeeled, "MEGAN! OMG! LIKE MEGAN!" when I met you, and also got a few "OMG! MRS. FLINGER!" I know it's temporary and very much localized. I'm not going to lie. I went to a blogging conference and found out blogging isn't my "thing". Not in this context. It's great, I love meeting people, but the rest of it? Meh.

You? Lovely. Every stinkin' bit 'o you. I wished we'd hung out more than that five drunk minutes. This post? Just another reason next year even more people will say, "SQUEE! MEGAN!"

And that's ok, too, yaknow. You deserve all the awesomeness.

[liv]

you know? it's true. none of this is *really* important. i went to see my friends---eat with them, get shithoused with them, and giggle until the break of dawn.

i'll tell you what naive is: emailing some big named, PPD woman struggling with a child from my heart---telling her how i counted foods with my son, dealt with the never ending potty training, awkward behaviors, etc... and never hearing a peep. why? i have no idea. anything i can think of is pure conjecture. but, to be a voice, needing a voice, hoping i could bolster up another sister was clearly a mistake.

just me, going back to navel gazing and being friends with the girl in the emerald satin coat.

[MammaLoves]

"Utah is the New China"

Maybe the best blog line--ever!!

Heck of a day you've had. Love your fierce loyalty to Jenny.

[Alli {Mrs. Fussypants}]

"Surely someone would wonder where my Spock ears were" Ouch! So true. ~snort~

I feel horrible for the wonderful lady who is having a rough time. She is kind, honest, hilarious and one of the sweetest women on the net.

I am nauseated by the DMs, and emails behind the scenes in support of her and then seeing public ring kissing.

Ugh, yes, world. We notice that.

Sighs.

[Redneck Mommy]

This post, your wisdom, the honesty of the truth you speak, only makes me love you more. And makes me so proud to call you my friend.

(Meanwhile, desperately hoping you remember just who the hell I am.*wink*)

[Christine]

Dude, I am so with you. I was at BlogHer to meet people, some I already loved, some I'd never read/heard of.

My hopes were wildly surpassed.

I don't give a flying anything if I wasn't invited to a party, or if some big name blogger didn't give me the time of day (although I must say almost without exception they were all lovely and gracious...and the ones who weren't, most of them weren't *really* big time), or if I hob-nobbed with the elites.

BlogHer rocked my world in so many ways. I mean, geeze...I hung out with you and didn't even know I should have asked for your autograph (you KNOW I'm kidding).

To me, the true beauty of the blogosphere is the friendships we create. They are real. They are strong. They are powerful.

I mean, we are.

[Missives From Suburbia]

You know you're not really famous until someone has made a threat on you and your family right? (Don't sweat it, though. You'll always be famous to me.)

[Don Mills Diva]

Not sure if we actually met at BlogHer - prolly 'cause I was too busy fighting my way through my own adoring hordes - sure you can understand...:-)

I've been following the whole Dooce/ Jon thing and I:

1. Can't believe your comment was deleted
2. Can't believe how embarassing and high school that whole key note was
3. Can't belive how many people think Dooce is an actual celebrity - she's a very popular blogger but that is a very different thing.

Keep on keeping on.

[Domestic Chicky]

You always have been, and always will be a rock star in my book...Love you to the blogosphere and back!

[Krista]

Ah yes, the cattiness. Such a shame that we couldn't leave it behind in high school, eh? Thanks for reminding us that words can and do hurt and maybe we all should be more careful before we spew forth our innards on the (somewhat) well read internet!

PS I'd love to meet you! :)

[Jessica (from It's my life...)]

Oh! So that's why so few people came up to me to say they recognized me! They were intimidated! Silly bloggers. ;-)

I'm just kidding. But I was thrilled to meet you, and not because you're "famous" just because you're funny and I feel like I've known you forever. (Since way back when we met on cre8buzz.... whoo... eons ago.)

Oh, and my dad is the one who originally gave me Dooce's link. But only because he read about her in the NYT. So I don't know if that counts.

And the deleting of your rather innocuous comment? Makes them look dumb not you.

[Assertagirl]

I'm still disappointed we didn't get to meet in SF. Next year, okay? We'll have a type-off.

[karla]

Seriously girl, I don't know if the feeling is mutual, but I *heart* you.

You know just how to keep your reality grounded. And call a spade a spade.

xo~K

(ps- I stumbled this for ya. Yeah - that's how much I love this post.)

[Adventures In Babywearing]

Everything you've written today is great, I must say. And I also wish I had the opportunity to even SEE you at BlogHer. How could it be we never even were on the same floor or in the same room (that we know of.) Ugh, until next time.

Steph

[workout mommy]

awesome post, thank you! (coming from someone who was "pterodactyl" like at Blogher! love that word, by the way!)

I followed your comments earlier today, but have not been back to see what was deleted. I agree, that makes them look dumb--not you.

[foolery]

This was beautifully written, Miss Megan!

AND . . . read *his* blog for the first and only time today. Have read *hers* only once and feel no need to go back, because (while I don't dislike her or anything) I was not moved to go back. No biggie.

I follow you on Twitter, I check in on you here from time to time (not often enough) and like you tremendously. Saw your comments today -- both -- and had thoughts about the whole thing . . . and then I thought, Self? Why do you care? You won't be going to BlogHer because it's not your thing. You don't need to weigh in because no one needs your two cents. And the THEYs of this world, for good or evil, have only as much power as the WEs of this world give them. I don't feel like giving out power today, you know?

Hoping we can all go back to our own satisfying navel-gazing and connecting. :)

Sorry for the blah-blah-blah,

Laurie @ Foolery

[Gwen Bell]

This has been on my mind a lot lately, too, Megan. Mad props. This line really hits home for me: "No one respects a fangirl, but everyone loves knowing that their work is appreciated." I appreciate what you're doing over here and will continue reading long after the flames have died down.

Nevertheless, like The Bloggess and her blog, I find myself magnetized by you and your humor. You seem to approach even the toughest situations with this breath of fresh air and laughter. I can't tell you how much that means to me, how much I grow from seeing things put in a new light.

Didn't mean to get all serious-n-shit but...thar it is.

<3

[Megan]

I am trying to email each of you back because this post was difficult to write. It could (and still can) be taken very much out of context. Eventually I had to just write it for me and trust that you would "get it." You get me, so it was a safe bet.

I have to say that "Utah is the new China" made me laugh. I sent that line in a DM to mamalogues and had to recycle it. So yeah, Dana, I totally reused my own joke. I'm working with limited resources here. ;)

And workout mommy, I love that you love "pterodactyl." Sometimes I worry that I'll lose ya'll, but you stay right there with me and my loopy humor.

[Mr Lady]

*sigh*

*double sigh*

I...yeah...um...uh huh....I got nuthin'. You nailed it, addendum and all.

Let's just say that I can totally relate, and let's also say that this was gorgeously written.

[Loralee]

Yo.

FROM Utah. NEVER censor. Unless it is trolls telling me that they are happy my kid is dead.

THEN? Heck, yes!

(Had to throw in the "Heck" to validate my Utah roots."

Seriously, though...I am sorry that you were edited. And I am very glad I am on your good side. ;)

This post was wonderful, Meagan. Just wonderful.

[Linda S]

Just *lurking* because I remembered I like your design and holy moly, gotta say, you there's a lot more than "design" going on here! I'm a newish blogger, but well said. You know the reasons I blog change all the time and if some of my friends knew what I write or put out there they would think I was nuts. Not in a crazy way...Guess I'm going to need the Who's Who before BlogHer next year! BTWubs, should I bring the Spock ears or leave them home?

[Jennifer Taggart]

I snorted at "Utah is the new China." Don't know which comment was deleted - haven't really been following it - but your blog is very heartfelt.

Jennifer
www.thesmartmama.com
http://smugdadcrankymom.blogspot.com

[TX Poppet]

I hope that if I'm ever made to look like a crazed, stupid, dipsomaniac (OK, not that big of a stretch, but go with me here) someone as smart, loyal and tenacious as you would stick up for me, too. Certain people who are beneath my notice did a fine job of illustrating their raging pompous self-absorption today. Sending you virtual hugs for not ignoring it.

[merlotmom]

Just like real life, I am out of the loop when it comes to gossip and mud-slinging. I could go look it up but I think I'd rather pass. I just want to say that the post was beautifully written and I'm glad you wrote it.

[World's Greatest Mommy]

I've typed and erased my comment about 100 times, but I'm posting this one come heck or high water.

Friends stick up for friends when they are attacked...you are apparently a very good friend. I'd love to have you in my corner if that ever happened to me.

Unfortunately, if the "big name bloggers" (by the way I laugh every time I hear that term) are the queens and kings of the bloggy world....my rank must be somewhere down in the "chamber-pot emptier" category.

I think I'll live, though. I write because I love it. And I don't feel like I owe anything to anybody for that privilege. 'Cept maybe my momma. She made me go to school and learn.

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

While I'd been blogging for years and didn't know it, I was VERY new a couple of months ago when I emailed you for the first time. I didn't know if you'd actually respond or not. I had no idea what reception I'd get in the "real blogger world". Yet, you were kind and gracious and friendly and that was all I needed to know to throw myself head first into the blogworld. YOUR kindness encouraged that. I have "met" the most incredible people, folks others consider "big named bloggers" and guess what? They're friendly and funny and gracious too...key is, you have to be as well. Well, maybe not so much on me = gracious, but oh well.

Great post, can't believe YOU got censored! Feel free to share what you said, because I missed it. *sigh*

[Lilacspecs]

I'm sorry that happened to you. Something similar happened to me recently, but I don't know if the blogger is a "big" one. She's apparently just a closed minded coward. It was a conservative blog trashing Obama and I left a well thought out opinion against what she said. It was deleted, but the guy who called me names and told me I was unAmerican, his comment got to stay up. I actually cried, I was so upset to be treated like that. Like my opinion meant nothing because it wasn't the same as her main reading base.
As for the situation you're in, I don't know whoever "he" is I don't think and Dooce I've been to once or twice cause everyone raves but I really don't see what makes her special besides that she's been blogging so long. You're in my reader (you know, for the times you actually post here, hehe) but she's never been.
I am curious to know what you wrote though, cause I'm sure it was very thoughtfully written.

[Annie]

Aha, but at least I can say 'I knew you back in the day when we were both reading dodgy housekeeping books' !!!

Great post!

[Jillian]

Megan,
I feel a strange personal attachment to you because you were the neighbor I never got to know. And we both went through what we went through at Arbor Station. And then the way I found you again was so serendipitous.
That being said, when I sent you that message last night it was done with some trepidation and I didn't expect a response. But you did respond and even though I still can't wrap my mind around this whole silly thing, I really appreciate that.
Thanks.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I've somehow missed most of the drama of the past two days, but just wanted to say how much I love this post. You are right. Perhaps no where do people go from "rock star" to "peasant" as fast as we do in the blogosphere---well, maybe parenting offers the same highs and lows, but that's beside the point.

[pgoodness]

This is a great post. I can't tell you how many times when reading about all the drama that I thought to myself "it's just a blog; these are just people, not royalty". I've said before and I'll say again: I read who I read because I feel a connection to the blogger and what they write; popularity means nothing when it comes down to it.

I'm glad you wrote this, especially since your comment was deleted - nothing naive about it.

[Mocha]

I promise not to be a troll because:

1) When we met you swore that I would fake it and pretend to know you (and then turned your head to the side to fake-kiss a fake-baby which was hilarious)

and

2) It's just not in my nature.

With that said, I have to say that I've been missing whatever drama is currently going on and I do so for many reasons. One, time constraints. There just isn't enough of it for me in the day to click link to link and read what's going on elsewhere. I like to read you, I read you, and I'll be back to YOU.

Another reason (and I'm not above recycling my own jokes, either) is that I just can't get involved in things that are trite and trenchant (see? I didn't say vitriolic) (also? the T sound was fun there!) because sometimes they serve to simply be created.

Now hold on. I'm not saying you're doing that. I see how you're sticking up for a friend and that's just about the best quality ever. But maybe OTHERS are writing about it because they don't have anything else to do. Nothing big or serious is going on in their lives.

I'm not wishing "big" and "serious" on anyone, but there is just so much more.

So. My recycled joke? You white girls crack me up. Barbie Doll Bullshit Drama always has an audience.

Because it does.

It is surreal who you "are" or "become" when you're attending these events. Back home, no one knows who the hell I am or that I write and that's just as it should be.

Now. It's time to reminisce about drinking amaretto in the bathroom. Talk about HIGH SCHOOL. I wanted to attend a football game after that and get felt up and write my name in the student parking lot and shit.

[Karen Rayne]

I have to say, Megan, I'm glad I met you through other channels before I realized you were <> INTERNET FAMOUS!!!!!!!!! Although I have to say, I'm generally not all that impressed with the famous, so maybe it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

Maybe BlogHer will be in Austin next year (has everyone gone and voted for Austin next year?), and I'll be able to actually meet you in person.

Oh, and I totally hear about the IRL friends being totally unimpressed. I recently mentioned my blog to a dear friend and she said: "Oh, that's right, I forgot you write one of those thingies. How often do you do that?" And I was all, "Oh, about every single day." She shrugged and changed the subject.

Inquiring minds want to know: What did you say, anyway? (Yeah, yeah, I don't read whatever famous blogger you're talking about. Trying to straddle the sex-bloggers plus the parenting-bloggers means I read way too many blogs and am generally ruthless in cutting them out of my RSS feed.)

[Miss Britt]

And THAT is why Internet "success" makes us feel so dirty.

I wrote an entire post about "the fabulous life of an Internet Rock Star" after someone called me that. I felt like I had to defend the fact that I was normal.

Of course, then I got blasted for calling myself a "rock star". What the eff ever people.

ANYway - yeah. That's why it feels dirty. Because in one moment it's heady and fun and you can't help but let it make you feel a little cool - and the next minute your best friend is going "oh God, are you still writing on that site thing? What's that called again?"

[sweetney]

Internet famous is like smalltown famous. See: SO WHAT?

Whenever someone acts like I'm "famous" (and it's usually someone on the internet -- the people in my "real" life, in my neighborhood, etc. could give a flaming fuck), I just find it a little weird. And then I laff. And...that's kind of that.

So many smart things being said here I can't address them all, except to say I'm proud today to be a part of such a supportive community of kick-ass wimmins.

[Deb on the Rocks]

Seriously, though, the mark of social dysfunction is to voluntarily or involuntarily cut yourself off from diverse feedback. If people only wants to hear praise, and/or live in a small dyad or subculture that mutually inforces a skewed point of view, that's going to be one funky, fragile bubble they live in! Whether it's a cult or a marriage or a fan club, if you dismiss other people's "grip on reality" wholecloth, you are going to the be one slipping into paranoia, fear, and grandiosity. Which is sad for them, and a trainwreck to watch. Some people like trainwrecks, though, so huzzah!

I want to end on a positive note, though, so I would like to say that I was very impressed by Stephanie Klein's sense of perspective at the keynote. I recently had two empty spaces in my feedreader, and I filled one with her! Now I'm open to someone new.

[Deb on the Rocks]

P.S. I don't think this is "drama" or "high school." Those terms demean discussion. Of course discussion needs to be had about things that are said and things that happen. Why do people want to label it "high school?" One would think that bloggers would value open communication?

[Megan]

I am one of your fairly new readers and this post just confirms why I keep coming back.

I orginally found your blog a few weeks back in the BlogHer link love craze. The Velveteen Mind came up frequently in those links. Finally I followed and started reading. Immediately, I could see why people love your blog. You are honest, eloquent and true to your self.

It is a real person behind these posts. I can't say that for every blog.

[Teri]

Sheesh! I'm lost. But that's normal. I just wanted to say that I've become an addict in just the past few weeks to your blog and a few others.
So, even though I have no idea what all the drama is about; I wanted you to know I enjoy being a part of your day and look forward to what you have to say.
Regarding the drama tho: Mama always said, "this too shall pass"....
(think she was talking about the swallowed gum, but I 'spose it fits here too!)

[Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas]

Hiya! I'm so sorry someone deleted you. I can't possibly even imagine you would have said anything that required deleting.

I'm 3/4 out of the loop (I did read about the keynote and it sounded incredibly awful; that all I know about) but this post made me chuckle a bit because while I've always had you in my reader (that's a good story btw) I put Dooce in cause everyone was mentioning her so I thought I should read. After a couple months I took it out. It was good, but it wasn't personal. I couldn't connect with her at all. I still don't read her. Maybe I'm a dummy and just don't get it.

But, like the other commenters - I pink puffy heart YOU! Good post.

[ali]

you, my friend, are awesome.
the end.

:)

[VDog]

I love your writing.

That is all.

[Y]

Deb on the Rocks comment is so damn good. I didn't think it was possible to love her more, but dayum.

[heather...]

You were deleted? That's so chicken shit. I am not going back to that blog. I'm glad I saw your comments before the evil arm of censorship intervened because they were great. Thank goodness we're on the same team. Uh, we are, right?

So glad we hung out at BlogHer. Can't wait for '09 - you better be there.

[Lori]

Wow, I can't believe you were deleted! I think sometimes the big name bloggers heads are inflated so much that THEY are the only ones that believe they're big name.

I would have loved to have met you and wouldn't have been the least bit intimidated. You come across as a real, feeling human and that's not scary.

Hopefully, we will meet next year.

[Laura Iriarte]

Megan, THAT was a great post! LOVE you! LIKE @dooce, though didn't meet her. LOVE LOVE Jenny the Bloggess. There was NO reason to delete your comment. It is so sweet and gratifying that you appreciate the little things!
~Laura/aka lauralovesart