Supernanny Don't Fail Me Now

Goose turned two in July.  Since then, he has welcomed the "terrible" with open arms.  He has become a yelling, pouting, hitting, throwing, crying, stomping cliché.

In turn, he has turned me into the clichéd fretting mother, constantly wondering where I have gone wrong and how I can save him from himself.  Looking for stopgap solutions so that we can all just make it through the day, for crying out loud.

When, in truth, what I need to do is back away, put the cookie back into the cookie jar, and let him work his way through it on his own.  Tough love and all that jazz.

But damn if that isn't hard.

Goose started attending preschool two half-days a week this month.  Nicely coinciding with that was the introduction of separation anxiety that arrives so conveniently at his age.   The result is an undercurrent of mutteringly-hostile "I no go school" chants under his breath any time I look like I might put shoes on him.  Or brush his hair.  Or look in the direction of the garage.

A weaker mother might give in to his sad eyes and pouting lips as he proclaims that he is, in fact, ready to go back to bed at 7:45 a.m. because he "no go school."  A weaker mother like, say, his father.

But no.  We are going to tough this out.  We are not going to decide that he's just two and doesn't really need to be in preschool, anyway.  That he can stay home another year and risk even having a spot in the impossible-to-get-into preschool that we love because they are not overly competitive or encourage over-scheduling.

We are not going to decide that this is too hard for Goose.

The surest way to make life hard for your kids is to make it soft for them.

I have said that before and I'm saying it here again because I need it as a reminder.  I will not bail out my kids just because they are uncomfortable.

But damn if this isn't hard.

None of us likes to see our children struggle or in pain.  Particularly if we can help them.  But by helping them, by bailing them out, by protecting them from disappointment, what are we truly accomplishing in the long run?

We are depriving them of pride.

I used to watch Supernanny all the time.  One of my favorite episodes focused on a mother that had slept in her son's room every night since she brought him home from the hospital.  Take that a step further and you realize that she had not spent the night in bed with her husband since she brought her son home from the hospital five years earlier.

Not that she hadn't tried.  She had tried to persuade her son to sleep alone, but the resulting tantrums and visible emotional pain were too much for her to bear.  So she caved.  Night after night.  She caved.

Needless to say, this kind of weakness extended into other areas of their life to the point that they had to bring in Supernanny, Jo Frost. 

One of the first things Jo did was walk the mother through getting her son to sleep through the night alone for the first time.  Her technique is simple and boils down to that after some measure of comfort, you simply return them to bed each and every time they try to leave the room and you do not engage them.  After hours of this tortuously stoic approach, I'll be damned if the little boy didn't sleep in his bed alone.  For the first time in his life.

The next morning, he entered the kitchen and displayed something his mother had never witnessed so purely before:  pride.  He was proud of himself for having slept by himself. 

Despite all of her best efforts to protect him from pain and discomfort, his mother had been surely succeeding in doing one thing that would last longer than any amount of comfort that her presence in his bedroom could provide: She had been depriving him of pride.

This realization was stunning, to say the least.  It was also not nearly as dramatic as I am making it out to be, but it dramatically impressed upon me the importance of allowing our children to, in essence, learn how to fish rather than giving them a fish.  Regardless of how hungry they may appear at that moment.

So tonight, when Goose came out of his bedroom in tears for the fourth time in as many minutes, I caught myself engaging him.  I was literally in mid-comforting hysteria (you know the kind, as you are on the edge of breaking down but don't want to let them know that you might have to throw them out the window), when I stopped mid-sentence and saw Supernanny in my mind. 

Crazy as that sounds.

I stopped talking, or, I should say that I stopped pleading, closed my mouth, scooped him up, delivered him to his bed, and walked out.  I only had to do this one more time and as I sit here, he has still not left his bed.  Sure, there was some sniffling, but if you can't handle some sniffling and mumbling about "no, Q's bed!" and "no go school," then you might want to reconsider having that second or third child.

...

Wait...

...

Well, I'll be damned. 

I just heard Maguire, my husband, leave Goose's room. 

A weaker mother would have snuck in there and lain on the floor until Goose fell asleep. 

I appear to have married a weaker mother.

I'll be damned.

Consider this to be continued...

...........................

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Comments

[Becky]

Awesome post, and great insight. It is hard. My little bub turned two in June, and it is nearly impossible to resist the emotions that wash over that little face. They are so transparent at this age!

Sounds like you guys are doing great! And he is a doll.

[Jennifer H]

I like your point about pride. There's nothing like seeing that look on their faces when they've worked hard for something.

Those nighttime faces are so sweet, though. It's not fair. (says the sometimes weaker mother)

[rachel]

Can I get an Amen and a hell yea!
Great post Megan. I am completely in line with you, you cannot baby your children or they will never make it through alive.
Congrats mama, and I love that you married a 'weaker mother' that gave me tons of giggles ;-)

[Beth]

I have a 2.5 YO son, who like you seemed to enter the terrible twos with gusto. He bites, pinches, hits and throws tantrums. HOWEVER, as his talking skills have improved so have the nasty behaviors quietly gone away. He doesn't go to preschool so we don't have this issue, but bedtime is a battle. My MIL (who has a degree in early childhood development) reminds me daily IT IS A STAGE - give him his way when you can and the rest just endure. He WILL grow out of it.

[Diana]

I married a weaker mother too. And then there are other times where I think he's clearly being too harsh.perhaps I just married a different mother.

[Heather]

Since my little one is only 5 MO, I have a lot to look forward to. This is very insightful as she gets older. I just hope I remember it in 1.5 yrs. :)

[Kate]

I love the husband as "weaker mother" image. I don't know how many times he has stormed into the kitchen, pointed at the ceiling (aiming for the source of screaming children) and said to me, "are we going to do something about this?!?" He's all for sleep training when it's 6 a.m. and little people think it's time to get up for the day. But at 9:30 p.m.? He's suddenly the "nicer" parent...

[Annie]

Wait. Maguire lay down in Gooses room until Goose settled? Maguire needs Supernanny - want me to hook you up? I've got contacts now you know!LOL!

[Mamasphere]

I'm married to a weaker mother. He can't stand to hear our daughter in distress! I can't even tell you how many times he interfered with bedtime when we were transitioning our daughter to her own bed. But we got it down, and all's well now, thank you God.

[Missives From Suburbia]

As a parent whose family has opted to co-sleep and do other "controversial" things, I am reminded reading this that parenting is all about perspective and individual semantics. For some parents, there is spoiling and weakness, and for others, the very same things are considered nurturing and strength.

The question parents should be asking themselves isn't, "Are you doing it right?" but "Is it working for you?" If it's not working for you, but you keep bending to the situation, then woman up (not man up, because men are wimps) and change things. But if it's working for you, and you don't feel conflicted about your decision, then it's not weakness. It's parenting of a different flavor.

[Lori]

I've got a weaker mother too. But, I tell him if he's going to reverse everything I've accomplished, then he's got to do it every single night. After about a week he understood that my way was better.

But, word for word, this has been us. The pleading not to go to school. But, after about a month, they love it and want to go.
And the bedtime thing too. Although we only did it til they were 2 and then tried the transition. It was really hard at first, but now they all sleep in their own beds, by themselves w/ no stalling.

[Mrs. Schmitty]

I absolutely LOVE that quote! I think I may even print it out and post it on my fridge! I so wholeheartedly agree with everything you said. My 4 year old has been battling us for weeks on the bedtime routine. She is one tough cookie. We've been doing the Nanny technique...and it works, eventually. It's very, very hard due to that very stubborn streak my daughter has. So hard I called Jo Frost a fraud out loud the other night. I'm so sorry Jo, I didn't mean it!! I'll keep trying, I'm hoping by the time she's 5 it won't be needed any longer!

[Steph @ problem solvin mom]

Mothering is definitely not for the faint of heart!

[LawyerMom]

Megan, how did you become so wise. And yes I am one of those "weak" i.e. exhausted, Moms who has a husband that works away from home (only home 4 days a month), a full time job, a 9 month old, and a 2.5 y.o. that is in full terrible mode. Not really terrible, more stubborn and ... well just like her father, but I digress. I end up falling in the bed at night with one baby on each side of me. I know, I know.... I always swore that wouldn't be me... but here I am, and clueless what to do about it. I am so right on the same wavelength with everything you said... I just wish I had half of your strength to follow through with my intentions. Gawd love 'ya, can you give a seminar on how you do it? (Sincerity... not sarcasm here) The 2s are gonna break me!

[Headless Mom]

Welcome to my home. Except my children are 6 & 8.

Sucks to be me.

Keep doing what you're doing-you'll all get there----eventually.

[blogversary]

My husband and I have our differences when it comes the who is weaker. I can put up with the crying it out method when it comes to bedtime and naptime. But, he is better at handling crying at the dinner table and not caving when the kids want something else to eat. Two weaks make one strong?

[Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk]

That is so funny, as I am sat here on doing the very same thing with my daughter at this very moment. I'm on the eight return to bed at the moment and I'm totally ignoring her, just walking her calmly back to bed, tucking her in and stroking her hair once as a 'goodnight, i love you' kinda thing.
the gaps are getting longer between each little visit but, oh hang on, the unmistakable thud thud thud of those dainty little feet . . . here comes number 9

[jeanie]

ha ha - let me just say that all the parenting books say "take turns putting them back into their own bed" got tossed when there was no-one to take turns with - heck, I didn't even notice my daughter sneak into my bed for several years, until another adult looked a likely prospect in the mix - just as hard at 6, let me tell you.

Might I recommend a very loud version of "Stay Home" from the Shrek soundtrack to all rock out to on the way to school? Worked a treat for my nephew, who went from sobbing anguish to smiles.

[workout mommy]

ahhh, I too am married to a weaker mother! He undoes everything I "do" almost every single day!

Stick to your guns, he will outgrow it. Mine is just turning 3 and loves his school.

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

Being married to a weaker mom is tough, especially when they have the spine of a licorice whip. We had to have long talks about him forming habits in the kids that I then have to break...it's a terrible conversation, but he had his "come to jesus" moment and realized what was happening. Hope it goes smoother for you.

[ali]

tough love sucks.
so bad.
but it's so worth it in the end.

[Mrs. G.]

My kids are older, but I remember these days. I married a weaker mother too. Now my daughter comes to him when she busts curfew and wants swift mercy.

[mojavi at Simple Things]

Why is tough love worth it in the end? I guess I just don't understand why we as parents allow our children all the comforts of the world, and then expect them to be grown up and sleep alone. They can barely explain to us what hurts when they have a tummy ache, why do we expect them to face the night alone? Why is sleeping in your own room considered such a mile stone? Don't most adults hate to sleep alone? Isn't is considered horrible to not sleep in the same room as your husband but perfectly acceptable to put your infant or toddler in a room by themselves? WHen it is the toddler or infant who need more reassurance when they wake up in the dark alone?

I just think our country is so backwards when it comes to these issues. I don't judge anyone for doing things their way, but I find it interesting that all the comments are so "yay for you", Don't give in... etc etc... And the ones who actually co-sleep or parent differently act like they are doing something wrong?

I don't know... I just don't get it. But this is one of those touchy subjects..

ok.. spear me alive for my comment :)

[Arjewtino]

As a 33-year-old man and former 2-year-old boy, let me be the first to warn you.

We never outgrow it.

[melanie]

Thank you for this. Tonight I am trying to get my 5 month old daughter to sleep in her crib. She isn't a great sleeper and we are transitioning her to her crib from her bassinet but mostly she sleeps in the bed beside me - which I wouldn't have a problem with if I actually got any sleep while she is there. But I don't. So things have to change. My husband pretty much had to sit on me tonight so I wouldn't rush into the room every time she cried. I did go in three times, the third time actually comforting her enough (although not taking her out of the crib) to get her to fall back asleep. She is still really young and in need of all this comfort but your post reminded me that in a blink of an eye she will be 2 and the last thing I want to do is deny her a way of developing pride, so I thank you.

[Alison-Mountain Momma]

We are struggling with this right now. Our 3.5 year old has had night terrors since he was in the hospital in Feb. We indulged him, as our docs instructed, and let him sleep with us. He'd start in his bed but end in ours. We are using this weekend to stop that behavior- along with potty training. (We are aware that we're insane)
This was such a welcome post!! I am so glad I saw it!! Tonight is all about not indulging and engaging. Simply placing him back in bed until he gets the message!

Thank you!!

[arizaphale]

oooooooooo so torn about this one. On the one hand I am the great proponent of the Flaming Sword of Parenthood. Assertive parenting. Take no prisoners. On the other hand there is a developmental spectrum to consider.

I am not sure why the US starts kids in preschool at 2.5. In the UK and Australia it's 3.5. I mean, fine if they want to go but what harm does it do if they don't? If you are able to provide them with social experiences through friendship groups and interesting creative activities in the home, exactly what are they gaining through attending pre-school? Again, fantastic if they are keen but why force something like this just for the sake of it?
Mind you, and this is where I'm torn, once you have started down a particular road it may be best to persevere for all of the reasons you have stated. I think it is interesting though that the child the SuperNanny dealt with was 5 years old. There is a world of difference between 2.5 and 5.
It all comes back to the idea of picking your battles and making sure they are age appropriate. I mean, you can sit a 6 month old on a potty all you want but they are not going to learn to use it because their physiology is not up to it.
School is definitely one of those places that kids are ready for at different times. In recognition of this the Australian system here in South Aus has a flexible enrollment policy which means children can spend up to 18 months in Reception (the first level of school....more free play etc) depending upon their maturity and readiness to move on.
Still, you seem to be an eminently sensible person and you know more than anyone what your child is capable of. Good luck with Dad however; I've got one like that too. Anything for an easy life. Talk about making a rod for your own back!

[Dorothy Stahlnecker]

Megan this is a post for my daughter. You nailed it and I agree with everything. I love the nanny show..even me at 62 learned a lot of things from her stoic ways...I'm always the soft one...however, learning..

Dorothy from grammology
www.grammology.com

[Olga's Relief]

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I would also like to suggest this site: Olga's Relief. You might find some valuable information regarding Woman's health and Issues. Cheers!

[Alex]

I fully agree with you. Kids enjoy schooling if they are comfortable. You may also visit www.K5Stars.com for implementing many novel ideas.

[Alex]

I fully agree with you. Kids enjoy schooling if they are comfortable. You may also visit www.K5Stars.com for implementing many novel ideas.