Hierarchy of Suffering. Who wins?

Suburban Oblivion recently complained that her two year old had been replaced by demon spawn.  She welcomed any interest in buying him on eBay. 

As luck would have it, someone took her up on the offer.  Someone that apparently can not have children.  Sara responded with an exercise in gratitude, expressing that it sometimes takes getting bitch-slapped in the comments to remember how good you have it. 

What followed was a discussion in Suburban Oblivion's comments that touched on a topic that I take very personally.  The topic of gratitude and our right to be ungrateful some days.  This is something that I've been meaning to write about for some time, but always back down.  Sara is a great fire-starter, so here goes.

In response to Sara's post on gratitude, CharmingBitch said that "some days off-handed comments about selling children hurt worse than other days. Just like most days with your kids are great but some suck..."  I'm paraphrasing.  Apparently, some of Sara's readers took part of CharmingBitch's comment to suggest that she wanted Sara to be a man and stop complaining.  Again, paraphrasing.  Actually, that's conjecture.  Nevertheless, CharmingBitch was inundated with emails telling her that Sara has a right to complain about a bad day and to back off.

You've got to be kidding me.

To paraphrase my own comment left on Suburban Oblivion:  of all people, CharmingBitch knows that playing the "who has the worse life?" game is pointless.  More specifically, the “I have no right to complain because your life is worse than mine” game is ridiculous.

Bad days are bad days. 
The hierarchy of bad is irrelevant.

CharmingBitch further responded (this was before my comment, by the way): 

"I never said Sara (or anyone else for that matter) doesn’t have the right to complain or vent about a bad day. I know that one life cannot compare to another and that we all have our own crosses to bear; I get that, honestly."

Amen.  I have a right to complain about my house washing away.  I also have a right to complain about my car looking like a ghetto-fabulous poop heap.  It's all relevant because it is all me.   

My problems can not compare to yours, but they are mine.

Do you read CharmingBitch?  Let me tell you, my problems could never compare to hers, and yet I don't hesitate to share my problems with her.  Why not?  She never tries to "one up" me in the problems game.  She could always win, but homey don't play dat.

After Hurricane Katrina, there developed something of a hierarchy of suffering along the Gulf Coast:

• You lost the bottom floor of your house?  I lost my whole house.
  
• You lost your whole house?  I lost my house and my job. 
• You lost your house and your job?  I lost my sister. 
• You lost your sister?  I lost my whole family. 
• You lost your whole family?  I am dead.

That's right, the ghosts of the dead walk the streets of the Gulf Coast.  Their presence is always there, reminding us that it could be worse.  We could be dead.

Bullshit.

Your life could always be worse.  Someone will always have it worse than you.  Seriously.  But does that mean that we have no right to complain about the mundane?  Hell no.

I'll complain about our Bar exam woes and the fact that I haven't had a manicure in forever...  all within the same breath.  Because they are my problems.  They are important to me.  Screw you if you don't think I am grateful enough to keep them in perspective.  Your insinuating that I am not keeping my problems in perspective is an insult.  Your suggesting that I am not grateful is an outrage.

I got gratitude for you right here.  Bend over, let me show you.

The next time someone tells you, "Well, it could be worse..."  just slap them for me.  What they are saying is that they have no idea what to tell you, you are making them uncomfortable, and they would like to deflect the conversation and preferably end it right there.

"Our bills are killing me.  I don't know where I expect to get the money this month." 

"Really?  Well, it could be worse.  Your child could have an incurable flesh-eating disease and be deathly allergic to painkillers."

Wha-what?  Um, yeah, you're right...  I don't know...  I mean, I just...  Uh, okay, I, uh, well...  Okay.

Conversation killed.  Now let's talk about how your mother-in-law insulted your housekeeping, because that is important.

Look, our problems are our problems.  We own them.  They are ours.  I'm not trying to beat you in the competition for who has the worse life.  In the end, if you win, what have you won, anyway?  Hey, I'll just give you that one.  Congratulations.  Your life sucks. 

Now I'm still going to talk about how my diamond shoes are too tight.  Because they are and I don't like blisters.  So sue me.

I am grateful for everything and everyone that I have in my life.  I know how good I have it.  But damn it if I have to couch every single fookin' thing that irks me with "I know it could be worse but..."  Hell.  No. 

The other day, I guest posted over at moosh in indy and dared to complain about how being the wife of a young lawyer sucks.  Ass.  A big hairy ass.  I said that I'm sick of my life being about my husband and had the balls to ask, "When is it going to be about me?" 

I then demanded a Volvo wagon, an annual spa vacation, and a housekeeper.

Oh yes I did.

And you know what?  I'm going to complain freely when my Volvo breaks down.  I'm going to whine when my massages aren't deep enough.  And I'm going to bitch when my housekeeper doesn't scrub my toilets the way I like it. 

I don't expect you to care.  But I do expect you to listen.  Because if you love me, you know me.  You know that I am grateful and you know that I am not a raving idiot that has no perspective.  You know that I know what is important. 

And yet you will still let me vent about the small stuff.

Because if you don't let me vent about the small stuff, I will utterly blow my lid when it comes time to deal with the big stuff.

Get it?

...........................

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Comments

[Karen Rani]

This is definitely one of the reasons I quit blogging. I couldn't vent anymore without feeling like I couldn't vent anymore. Know what I mean?
Good for you. Vent on, sister.

[Annie]

Nobody in this blogworld, aside from any IRL friends and family who read, actually *know* you, or know you well enough. By 'you' I mean - you and anyone you mentioned, getting a hard time for complaining.

Anyone who bitches at someone else for venting about what in their minds is trivial, is probably too wrapped up in their own issues to see another person's perspective. I wouldn't take any of that seriously.

What I will say is this. Everyone is different in how they handle difficult circumstances. Just as you want to vent about the small stuff, someone else is going to find it easier to look at the big picture, focus on the positives, and stop themselves from engaging in carping over the small stuff because that is what will drive them crazy.

I know you know all this - simple psychology, but never one not to throw my 2 cents in, there you have it.

[Lori]

I completely agree. And just because you complain about something that others don't feel is a big deal doesn't mean you don't empathize with their problems either. I have a friend that has fertility problems and I have four children. My heart aches for her, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to complain about anything in MY life.

[MammaLoves]

During my twenties, I dealt with a bout of depression. It was pretty rough. I was talking about it with a friend one day, complaining/crying about the way I felt and I stopped short. "You just lost your father to suicide. What am I doing complaining to you?" Her words to me? "You are hurting. It doesn't matter what's causing it. It doesn't make your pain any less real. Go on. Talk to me."

I've never forgotten that.

You vent all you want. If someone can't be supportive, then they can stop reading.

Seriously folks, these are blogs. No one's making you read them.

[andi]

Excellent post. I don't think I could have a better comment than MammaLoves. If you can't vent on your own damn blog, where can you vent? And seriously, are we not allowed to complain about anything unless it involves the worst (ie death)?

I really enjoyed your "whiny" post over at Moosh's place. It gave me some insight into a world I don't know and made me realize being a law wife isn't as great as I assumed it would be.

[~JJ!]

ahmen.

[Mrs. Mustard]

AMEN!

[rimarama]

I love this post! You are so right. I have an enormous guilt complex about complaining because, in general, my life is awesome. But now I feel as though I've been given the green light, of sorts, so thanks ;)

I'm heading over to Moosh's to read your guest post there. I have a feeling I'll be able to relate.

[Christine]

I totally get you, and I totally agree. We shouldn't feel that we can't discuss honestly our lives on OUR blogs. The good and the bad.

I would never intentionally dismiss another's pain/bitching/grief/whatever as inferior or unworthy. That's ridiculous. That being said, I'm trying REALLY hard at this point in my life to embrace gratitude (what with all of our financial woes and upheaval) and I have to wonder if sometimes my responses to others could be interpreted as dismissive when I try to point out the positive. Different than what you are saying, I know...but I'm going to keep this post in mind as I go about my days.

And I miss Vodkarella.

[Megan]

I love your comments so far. This was a tough one to write, particularly because this is one of the posts I've been meaning to write since I started this blog. Before I started this blog.

I don't mean for this issue of gratitude and the right to complain to apply only to blogging, however. This is an issue in my everyday life, more so than blogging. An issue in all of our real lives.

How many times have you heard or have you said, "It could be worse." Yes, it could be worse, but still. Just because you are complaining does not mean that you have lost perspective.

[Julie Pippert]

Well said...I really agree.

Do you recall the show Ally McBeal? On the show and in real life people always rolled their eyes about what a Dramatic Angst Queen Ally was. I thought she was sort of Lost and often Stupid, but I got her angst.

On the show Georgia (Courtney Thorne Smith) (who was silently suffering in her problems in life and with Billy) confronts Ally in the bathroom and says. "God Ally, you are so annoying," (or words to that effect), "What makes your problems so special and big and important?" (or words to that effect).

Ally cocks her head, opens her enormous eyes even wider and says, with shock, "because they're MINE."

Yes.

That.

As you said, as Ally said: because they're mine.

Julie
Using My Words

[Shauna]

Well said, Megan. And yes, it applies to life. Everyone is allowed to complain, just as everyone is allowed to celebrate.

[carrie]

Wow, do I hear you and agree with you.

This is going to seem only tangentially related, but...yeah. It seems connected in my head, which doesn't really mean much, but here we go. I was in a church class last night, where somebody said that God isn't going to tell us everything to do, is probably uninterested in guiding us in every decision.

I wanted to smack her in the face.

You're telling me that a loving God, who wants me to be happy and to be involved in my life, is not going to guide me when I ask Him to? You so crazy! Does He care what I eat for dinner? Of course not. But if I care enough to ask Him, will He care? Of course.

I guess I see this as the same thing. Sure, you may see my dissertation woes as something a)I brought on myself; b) not at all as eternally consequential as your children and/or spouse; or c) just plain boring and out of your experience, but they are MINE. And if you care about me, you care about them.

We could all just be a little kinder, embrace a little bit more of the divine in us, by just listening. We don't have to fix it. We don't have to make it better, smaller, bigger, more ugly, or pretty it up with a bow of condescension.

We just have to listen.

I love you, Megan. You say what I always want to say but never can. You are amazing.

[Queen of Shake Shake]

Yeah, well my jeans are too tight. Let's compare your diamond shoes and my jeans?

And one more thing....I'm wallowing in my disenchantment, even more so because you went out of your way to help my quest.

Problems. I have them too.

There is no wrong or right. Reality isn't real. One person's problems are just as real as the next...because we make up our own reality. That doesn't exist anywhere else but in our mind.

Make sense?

[Donald Mckenzie Jr]

This sounds like a shocking experience. I'm happy everything went well.

[Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas]

Well well. Quite the shit stirred up here huh? Someone quit blogging over this! Gee whiz girlfriends it's part of why I started blogging in the first place. Hubs is tired of hearing it. I have nothing, big picture, to bitch about. No one knows this more than me. Never stopped me before. Can I add a little "Hee Hee"? What I read is generally Humor - Venting - One-Of-Those-Days. Get it, all ya'll too-serious people?

Megan - you rock. So does Suburban Oblivion, whose original child-selling post I read and commented on and never thought twice about... Well, until now.

[Momo Fali]

Man, even I feel better after that vent! Nice!

[Lisa @Sweet Home Alabama]

Hi,
I've been delurking but felt like chiming in tonight.

I have always said- it's all your frame of reference. Life happens and your pain is your pain and your joy is your joy- no one has the right to take that away from you. I had a pretty rough upbringing and it used to bother me when my friends wouldn't talk to me because they felt like their problems were trivial compared to mine. While I repected that they were concerned for me I used to tell them that they did not have the right to decide whether or not I could be their friend and be there for them. Not giving me the opportunity to reciprocate was hurtful and made me feel like I was fragile- when I was not. Just because I was dealing with my own darkness did not mean that I could not see the light and be empathetic to their situation. Nothing irks me more than when people try to dismiss someone else's feelings- whatever they may be. Most of the time, it could be worse but what we need is a little less judgement and a lot more empathy.

I enjoy your blog- thanks for sharing!
Lisa

[carrie]

Reminding myself that things could be worse and listing things that I can be grateful for almost always helps relieve some pressure in a dark time (even when that dark time is manicure-related.) It's when friends say that things can be worse and tell me I should be grateful that I want to bitch slap them. It's one thing to try to think positively for one's own mental health, but another to have it pushed on you like an accusation from someone else. And then sometimes I just don't want to be grateful, I just want a freakin' manicure and the best friends I have hug me and make the appointment.

[carrie]

Reminding myself that things could be worse and listing things that I can be grateful for almost always helps relieve some pressure in a dark time (even when that dark time is manicure-related.) It's when friends say that things can be worse and tell me I should be grateful that I want to bitch slap them. It's one thing to try to think positively for one's own mental health, but another to have it pushed on you like an accusation from someone else. And then sometimes I just don't want to be grateful, I just want a freakin' manicure and the best friends I have hug me and make the appointment.

[CharmingDriver]

Awwwwwwwww man. Megan, you SO rock. Thank you Thank you THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOU (see, I can get my gratitude on, y'all ;)

[slackermommy]

Amen sister!This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate when someone tries to diminish my angst because they don't deem them bad enough.It's all relative.

I commented on that post and was shocked to see what transpired as I'm sure Sarah was. I felt bad for Sarah that she was moved to apologize for venting about an exhausted day with a toddler as if she wasn't thankful for the toddler's very existence. She exerted some comic relief and is completely entitled to do so without judgement. I love Sarah's honesty and I hated seeing her apologize for it even though she did it quite tactfully.

[slackermommy]

Amen sister!This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate when someone tries to diminish my angst because they don't deem them bad enough.It's all relative.

I commented on that post and was shocked to see what transpired as I'm sure Sarah was. I felt bad for Sarah that she was moved to apologize for venting about an exhausted day with a toddler as if she wasn't thankful for the toddler's very existence. She exerted some comic relief and is completely entitled to do so without judgement. I love Sarah's honesty and I hated seeing her apologize for it even though she did it quite tactfully.

[slackermommy]

Amen sister!This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate when someone tries to diminish my angst because they don't deem them bad enough.It's all relative.

I commented on that post and was shocked to see what transpired as I'm sure Sarah was. I felt bad for Sarah that she was moved to apologize for venting about an exhausted day with a toddler as if she wasn't thankful for the toddler's very existence. She exerted some comic relief and is completely entitled to do so without judgement. I love Sarah's honesty and I hated seeing her apologize for it even though she did it quite tactfully.

[Deb]

"So you have a cold sore. That really sucks, but it could be worse, you could have cancer" is just moronic. Because those very same people don't say, "You just got a $10,000 bonus at work? Whoop-dee-do. Don't get too excited, it's not like you won the lottery." We don't diminish other people's joy (or our own), so why do people insist on doing it with our grief/angst/anger, either to others or to ourselves? I say context is overrated. Feel free to wallow in your joy or anger around me, girls.

[Lisa Marie Mary]

I loved this post! Oh - my in-laws, my in-laws - they seriously KILL me with this stuff! I get to where I don't even want to see them anymore because of it.

Just 'let me be me' for a little while, then we'll switch gears and 'let you be you' - or vice versa, you know?

I loved your explanation of the Katrina one-upping - that is my in-laws, in a nutshell.

*sigh*

[Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants]

Ghetto fabulous poop heap, huh?
I need a picture of that! :)

I never thought twice about Sara's post, I commented and wondered what I could get for some of mine.

Such silliness. You are such a good friend!

Love & Blessings!

[Veronica Mitchell]

Something like this happened on my blog awhile back. I have a post that still gets a few hits every day called "Dear Pregnant and Miserable." It was for all of the unhappy pregnant women who come to my blog through google. Lots of readers commented on their own difficulties in pregnancy, and then one reader left a comment telling us all we should be ashamed of ourselves.

I'll say the same thing here that I said there:
"Of course a healthy pregnancy is a great thing. But not every pregnant woman has to be happy all the time. The pain of one woman’s miscarriages or infertility does not mean that the discomfort or pain or depression or danger of other women’s pregnancies ceases to be real or deserve compassion.

... life is not a contest where the person with the most suffering wins the prize of despising everyone else."

[FENICLE]

Excellent post & great comments!!!

I agree that everyone has their own cross to bear. Some are heavier than others. I truly believe we are only given what we can handle. Some can handle a lot. Some can't.

But you can't blame a person who'd having a rough day (or week) with her kiddo's for the fact you are unable to conceive. You know?

[cate]

you hear that clapping? ya...that's me. bravo!

i have to admit that used to say "it could be worse"a lot, but i said it about me...not to others. it's weird. when people hear about all of my rare/odd "conditions", or hear the story about when i lost my hair...i'm suddenly this martyr in their eyes. and it sometimes makes me uncomfortable. seriously...shit happens. and i've been dealing with this stuff for so long, that it's just kind of in the background now...always there, but done with.

for the longest time i didn't feel like i could complain about the little things. it didn't seem right for me to complain about a bad day i had, when i had all this other, more serious stuff, to complain about.

i don't like complaining about that. it happened. it's happening. it's shitty, but lets get on with it, shall we?

what i want to complain about is how my youngest can be a big asshole somedays. i want to complain about being stuck in the john with no TP. i wanna complain about the stupid shit that happens. as do we all. and if we can't write about that in our blogs...what's the point?

i totally understand that it can't be easy reading a post like Sara's if you can't have children of your own. but Sara was just trying to vent like we all do in our blogs. i'm not about to say something to y'all if you write about a bad hairday...that's not really fair. (plus it would be more fun to have some fun with that comment anyway! ;-D)

i try to be grateful for what i have everyday...but that just isn't realistic sometimes.

i am really sorry that Charming Bitch ended up being a target here. i don't think she said anything that should have been taken as an attack on Sara in anyway.

thank you for this post...i think we all needed a wake-up call...

[Dorothy Stahlnecker]

In my opinion you are right..and I find when I'm in that mood where I have to vent,and it usually is the small things.. I also tend to get angry at the ones I love...know why..because I realize they will still love me even after I've been unreasonable. So there...

I'm not stopping and I'm not changing..I think we are normal and this is life.

Dorothy from grammology
call your grandma

[Mrs. Schmitty]

AMEN Sister! Great post!

[Mrs. Schmitty]

AMEN Sister! Great post!

[moosh in indy.]

I woke up thinking about this EXACT SUBJECT and how to approach it.
I sense some copy and paste in my near future with credit where credit is due.
You are an amazing writer, and I have an intense desire to lick you right now.

And where does Sara find all these trolls?

[Kimberly]

I think it's all been said but...wow. So much truth here. So much we feel but don't know how to put into words, and you just did it. Thank you.

[Redneck Mommy]

Applauding you, darling. You took the words right out of my mouth.

[ali]

this is a perfect post. seriously.
that's the thing...there's ALWAYS someone worse off than you. but that doesn't mean YOU don't have the right to complain about things.
discussing your problems dosn't make you heartless. it's not you saying, "look world. i have it THE WORST. feel bad for me. worse than you'd feel for anyone else."

[Lou]

Well said!

Of course we know there are people worse off than we are, but a little validation can go a long way to helping a person feel better about life.

[Heather]

Oh my gosh...I wish I'd read this a few days ago when I was feeling bad about the same thing. You said it SO much better than I! I know this post is old, but I just felt compelled to comment. We are dealing with the "my problems are worse than your problems" BS right now because we're in a hospital setting. I hate it. HATE IT! I would print this out and make other parents here read it, but I don't have a printer. BECAUSE MY LIFE IS SO TERRIBLE WOE IS ME. Blech.

[Jen]

You have the right to complain and if you're complaining to me...I have the right to comment. And vice versa.

My favorite one was my friend Jane who AFTER I told her that I will have to have my 2nd ovary removed, redering me infertile, she says, "Well atleast you don't have cancer."

NICE.