First, introductions. I'm Andi from Poot and Cubby and I'm so excited to be the last guest-poster on Megan's blog. She will be back writing here shortly - I miss her, don't you? She was the first person I didn't know in real-life to leave a really thoughtful and downright flattering comment on my blog. Since then, her blog has been on my list of must-reads. Yes, I am just that much of a sucker for flattery, plus I think she is a brilliant writer. Now, onto business - the post...
My husband and I have been joking about my daughter, Elliot's need to "earn her keep" ever since we got her a social insurance number as a baby (we needed one to set up her education savings plan). Now that she's almost three, I think it may be time to finally put her to work. It seems a shame to let all of her marketable talents go to waste.
The idea to hire her out came after she had a wake-over (Elliot does not do sleep when she fears she's missing out on evening excitement) at her grandma's house last weekend. There she revealed many talents that I could exploit for cash gains while I lazily sit back and embrace my inner slacker-mom. Oops, I mean, show her the value of a hard-earned dollar.
You may want to consider booking her as the entertainment for your next get-together. What makes her so qualified, you ask? The girl is funny. At my mother's, she told her grandma she was weird, called her aunt crazy, told her uncle he pooped out of his hairs (what the hell does that mean?) and started a rumor that her father wears panties (which he doesn't - well, not that I know of).
Don't care for wacky comments at parties? She is also available to do animal impressions. At my mom's, she imitated my sister's dog, Shadow, panting and then said, "And then, Shadow, do this." She proceeded to lift up her own leg and started licking it. She continued her comedy routine by asking, "Why Shadow do dat?" When she was told that the dog was cleaning itself because it didn't have showers like people, Elliot said, "Shadow should come to my house. I have a shower".
So, are you convinced yet that she could be an asset at your next party? Or are you not so sure that her material is pure comedy gold? Perhaps parties aren't your thing? Never let it be said that my girl isn't flexible. Maybe you have a friend who is contemplating having children, but you fear she is still too immature to handle the challenges of blissful motherhood. My child can be hired as an effective means of birth control. How, you ask? Let me illustrate with another anecdote from the very same wake-over.
Every once in awhile my childless sister thinks it might be fun to sleep in the same room as Elliot. Although the child is amusing, the amusement factor becomes less appealing for my sleep-loving sister as the hours roll by and her wee niece is still conscious. While everyone in the house was sleeping, Elliot was reading bedtime stories to the dog. After pleading with her to just gotosleep!, my sister finally gave up and nodded off.
Let's keep in mind that they were staying in my mom's sewing room, and because she has never gotten into anything before, my mom didn't think to put stuff away. Stuff like the straight pins. And the scissors. So imagine my mother's surprise when she went into the room (at midnight!) and found my daughter sitting on the bed surrounded by pins. On her bed. In the covers. On her pillow. Cutting up cardboard with sharp scissors. All this while my sister slept on the floor beside her. When my mom asked her what she was doing, Elliot told her she was "just making my bed pretty." She's all about the decorations lately. Somehow, while she played with pins and scissors by only the light of the moon to guide her clumsy hands, she didn't cut or stick herself. Maybe by doing so, she has revealed yet more hidden talents. Maybe she can either decorate your home with sharp objects while blindfolded, or perform some sort of odd voodoo ceremony for you. (Yes, I'm aware this is a total stretch).
Anyway, back to my sister being convinced that although kids are a riot to visit, she should never, ever have her own because they are crazy tiring. After my mom and my freshly awoken sister put all of the pins away, Elliot the Entertainer finally fell asleep at 1am. Her exhausted aunt dared to get up to go to the washroom at 6:30am, and when she exited the bathroom, was greeted by a dead-eyed Elliot staring at her from the end of the hallway. Looking for all intents and purposes like those creepy twin girls in The Shining (Ooh, an extra in a future remake of the movie? That would also be a viable job option). She was promptly ushered back to bed, where she didn't sleep for much longer. When Little Miss Grumpy Thang sat at the breakfast table and anyone dared to say that she was tired, she would set them straight: "I not tired! Don't say that about me!" Hmm, perhaps she could also be used as a motivational speaker to inspire others to stand their ground, no matter how shaky and wrong their ground may be?
I'm confident Elliot would excel in a variety of work environments. Please have your people call my people and we will arrange a tailor-made solution for all of your entertainment and decorating needs. Did I mention that she also makes an excellent Baby Whisperer and can carry a tune? I'm sure we can come to a mutually satisfactory agreement on terms and prices. I will warn you that she's not cheap but I promise she's worth every penny.
Do you have a child for hire? Let me know their special talents in the comments and maybe we can trade for a day...
Thanks again to Megan for letting me crash her pad. I hope I haven't left too big of a mess for her to clean up. If you're so inclined, please come and visit my blog - that's right, I'm not too proud to beg.