An Illustrated Guide To Exercising Fresh Mait Authori-tay.

Hello all you other velveteen relishers out there!  Yes, I'm speaking to those of you who revel in the threadbare.  If threadbare is your thang, then boy, are we in the right place together or what?!?  Because if you saw my bra, it would send you into reveling fits, I swear. 

But onto more important things.  This is Heather, Queen of Shake Shake and I'm Megan's guest poster of the day.  At a recent un-playdate, *ahem* I vaguely remember Megan asking me to guest post while she was on vacation and I vaguely remember protesting that I didn't like to guest post.  Come on Megan, I went on vacation myself and had no guest posters yet my blog still stands, which is a fact that is a mystery in itself.

Somehow here I am...guest posting.  How did that happen??  Another question I will have to add to my Mysteries of the Universe list and deeply contemplate at another time.

For now though, let's have some fun! 

I'm going to start the fun by asking a question:

Do you love fresh mait?

I love fresh mait.  In case you haven't heard, I AM a fresh mait authori-tay. 

If you are unsure exactly what a fresh mait authori-tay is, I encourage you to go read that link and find out.  The following pictures will not make much sense if you have no knowledge of what it takes to me a fresh mait authori-tay.

I'll wait.
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Now we're all on the same page and I can move on to illustrating......

How To Exercise Your Fresh Mait Authori-tay.

Sit back and revel in this.

Mmmmmm.  Fresh Mait.

Relish in the freshness.  Revel in the protein with no fillers.

But WATCH OUT for sexually harassing pussies who are after your mait! Did you see how I was able to catch the evil of this pussy cat in the picture?  Look at the reflection on the table.  The evil eyes!  It's always the eyes that give the demons  away.

I'll karate chop her ass.  I may have to look at her asshole every day, but I will not share my fresh mait!!

Gasp!  Whose hand is that? Where did it come from? Is someone trying to come between me and my fresh mait?!?

Oh shit, whatda I do?  Whatda I do?  I need a fix!  Give me a fix!!  Come on patch, help me out!

Oh hell, he did NOT! Oh. My. Gawd.  That dickweed is standing between me and my fresh mait!  Who in the hell does he think he is?  He isn't respecting my fresh mait authori-tay!!!!

Give me my fresh mait!  I want fresh mait!!  Agggggggghhhhh!!!!

And there you have it. I hope you've enjoyed this edition of How to Excercise Your Fresh Mait Authori-tay.  Tune in for my next bout of insanity as I reveal all of the wacked out things you can do with velveteen.  Let's just say the velveteen bunny is no more....it's all about the velveteen rat.

See ya then!

P.S.  Fart. Skid Mark Panties. Fart.

P.P.S.  Sorry, I had to help Megan out by raising her fart authori-tay a bit.  And I just had to share with Megan all of those crazy asses in the UK who google every damn day looking for skid marked panties.  May they perservert on her blog now too. 

Comments

[FENICLE]

Oh my!!! Oh my!!! I was so worried about making sure my guest post on Sunday was thought provoking and now thanks to you, I'm not!!!

Loved the fart, skid, mark, panties :) As I'm sure she will love those googlers too!

[andi]

Oh my God, Heather. The pictures just about killed me. I don't know which I liked better - you crying at the end with your crown, you smelling your mait or karate-chopping the cat. And the line "I may have to look at her asshole everyday..."-priceless.

I'm going to miss you during your hiatus on the interwebs. There just isn't enough people with the fresh-mait/skidmark authori-tay combo writing today.

[Jennifer]

I don't think I can top this! Big, maity shoes to fill!

[Heather]

Jennifer, surely you can top by spelling correctly. Because obviously I can't spell exercise!!!

[joeinvegas]

Doesn't look like you were exercising much authori-tay, you ended up just standing there watching. Does he not know of your power? You are supposed to use it once in a while.

[MammaLoves]

That's it! I'm buying a condo on the Island of Shake-Shake.

[Heather]

Joe, the King just wanted to see me grab my boob. He's perverted like that.

[bubblewench]

dat some serious mait! The evil cat eyes on teh table are fantastic! You have the best expressions and the carnivore inhaling the mait is just the best.

Love the Crown.

You got the nija au-th-or-ity too... kickin some pussies ass...

[AbsolutelyBananas]

ha ha ha ha ha ha. the queen of ya ya farts NEVER fails to entertain.

[Nell]

Oh my God, I love you. Seriously. If I didn't already stalk you, I mean read your blog obsessively, I'd go do it right now. Maybe I will, again.

[Christine]

HHHHhhmmmmmm...being a carnivore is goooooooood.

[Heather]

Nell, let's start a commune. It will make us stalking each other easier. LOL!

[~JJ!]

Twisted.

You are crazy.

But I do however, respect your author-i-tay.