The Feminine Mistake, by Leslie Bennetts, is most certainly popular blog fodder for mom blogs this week and I hate to jump on the bandwagon, but I can't help it. In fact, I wasn't going to write about this because I've already posted about it on a mom's board I'm a member of, not to mention from which the majority of my readers originate. However, the more I think about this, the more convoluted it seems. Forgive me, mom's board readers, if some of this is the same as I've already posted. Just skim.
I saw the author interviewed on the TODAY Show and was intrigued, to say the least. Check out this link for a video of the interview with Ann Curry.
In brief, the author suggests that women who choose to stay home and raise their children are engaging in "high risk behavior," because statistics show that odds are, your husband is going to either get fired, leave you, or die, and you will end up on the streets with your kids, unable to get a job because you've been out of the workforce for too long. I'm paraphrasing, but check out those links and see for yourself; I'm pretty close to her point.
First of all, let me say that I have not read her book. At this point, I think I might read her book, but I know I won't buy it (we're a one-income household, after all, bordering on homeless waifs any day now when my husband inevitably gets fired/ divorces me/ dies). Too bad our library washed away in the hurricane. Once I read it, I'll decide if I'm going to support her by sending my money her way through a copy of my own.
Her book will most certainly make money. But does it make sense?
By her logic, even if you want to and can afford to stay home and raise your babies, it is irresponsible to do so. So let's say we do what she suggests: we pop out our babies, deposit them into a chute that delivers them directly to an adequate daycare (according to her, most are), and then go right back to work. Should someone ask why we have returned to work immediately, our response would be something along the lines of:
"Oh, I can afford to stay home, I'd love to stay home and raise my kids, but I'm afraid my husband is going to get fired/ leave me/ drop dead any day now, so here I am. It's the only responsible thing to do... Now please excuse me while I go back to counting the signs of the Apocalypse. Hey, is that a plague of locusts outside the window?!"
I refuse to live my life in fear of what may happen. Worse, live my life anticipating how my husband is going to fail me, as I have evidently handed my fate over to his totally unreliable hands. Yes, something could go wrong at any time. Anything can happen. Believe me, I know this, Big Worm. That's where a contingency plan comes in to such brilliant play.
We have life insurance. Should my husband die, it will buy me some time to get back on my feet and either find another sucker to support us (kidding!) or get a job. If he loses his job, well, that's already happened and we aren't on the street. In fact, I stepped up and opened an eBay store, which I run from home, where I continue to raise my children. If he leaves me, well, that's where a good old-fashioned "coffee can savings plan" comes in. I may not be able to move directly into my own apartment with the boys, but you better believe I have my ducks in order enough that we won't be on the freakin' street.
But I digress.
Again, let's follow her logic through. At this rate, a working mother who does leave her children in daycare is being irresponsible if her job does not solely pay enough to support her and her children. Now, this working mother would avoid the pitfalls of having been out of the workforce for any period of time, though, which she says is a huge obstacle to finding a job once your deadbeat (or just plain dead) husband finally drops the ball.
You know, Beyonce warned us about this. Consider the masterpiece Bills, Bills, Bills:
You triflin', good for nothing type of brother
Silly me, why haven't I found another?
A baller, when times get hard
I need someone to help me out
Instead of a scrub like you
Who don't know what a man's about
[Chrous:]
Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Do you pay my automo' bills?
If you did then maybe we could chill
I don't think you do
So, you and me are through
Leslie Bennetts also says that employers are reluctant to hire mothers at all. When they do, they offer lower pay. Hell, woman, get to the point: do not have children at all, right?! Is she anti-children? Does she have any children? Does she like her children? Does she bake them in her gingerbread house oven?
I understand that controversy sells. At the very least, this should assuage some of the guilt of working mothers (those that have guilt for whatever reason). Hell, I included a link to her book, even if I don't intend to buy it. I'd like to offer the option of considering both sides. Nevertheless, some of this just doesn't make sense. It's not realistic. It's too black and white. It's too pessimistic.
Does anyone know the statistics for divorce among stay-at-home mothers vs. working mothers, by the way? For a moment there, I really thought Ann Curry was going to ask that question.
In closing, we return to the Gospel According to Beyonce, as found in Independent Women:
The shoes on my feet
I've bought it
The clothes I'm wearing
I've bought it
The rock I'm rockin'
'Cause I depend on me
If I wanted the watch you're wearin'
I'll buy it
The house I live in
I've bought it
The car I'm driving
I've bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)
All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me
Beyonce's kids are going to attend a sweet daycare. I'm sure her nanny will be able to speak fluent English, too. Rock on.
Update: I wanted to quickly add a link to a great post by The Lactivist on this topic. It's so easy to say "my way is best" or say "this is the only right way" to do something, but this blogger has provided a very even-handed approach to this topic, which I appreciate. She freely acknowledges that there is no one right or only way to raise your kids, whether that be staying at home or being a working mother, while simultaneously making her own choice very clear. I'm all about shades of gray, while still making a strong point. Check her out. By the way, my favorite part is that she recognized that Ann Curry seemed to think that this Leslie Bennetts chick might be a little full of it, too. Love it!