Want to build your twitter following?
Why yes, I can absolutely show you how.*
Step 1. Have a baby that likes to nurse every two hours all day and all night.
Step 2. Go just a little crazy and start making poor judgment calls.
Step 3. Invite followers to offer advice regarding how to remove a stuck ring, combine advice into one oily mess.
Step 4. Notice that your followers are full of not only advice, but also stories of similar escapades. Panic that some sourpusses out there might think you are scamming for @ replies, so photograph proof of your idiocy.
The twitter stream on the right represents the hilarious @ replies received over a painfully embarrassing 6 hour period on December 6th. Click for full size. The photos are twitpics (photos sent over twitter) and captions are the actual tweets.
Step 5. Start following advice and document it because did I mention poor judgment?
As it turns out, twitter loves a good fool, so you’ll notice your follower count really start to pick up right about now. Unfortunately, you won’t care because:
Step 6. Swelling and pain start to set in, realize that your followers aren’t necessarily experts at stuck-ring-removal, yet desperately start following advice including olive oil, WD-40, KY jelly, butter, holding hand above head, freezing hand, and advice remarkably similar to that found in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Note the Windex in the background. Ahem.
Step 7. Become overwhelmed at the massive number of replies and decide to take a break from escalating mutilation experiment. Bribe impatient followers with photos of cute babies in the meantime:
Step 8. Review @ replies and finally notice massive number recommending / breaking it to you that an ER visit might be in your future.
Step 9. Make the mistake of showing your trapped finger to your parents and find yourself escorted to the ER.
Half of your followers will be relieved to hear that you finally took them seriously, the other half will freak because they sort of thought you were kidding this whole time. Big spike in twitter followers right about now but again, you won’t care because Oh My God You Got Your Ring Stuck On Your Finger And You Have To Have It CUT OFF!
Try to maintain humor.
Note: These steps to building your twitter followers are not an exact science.
Step 10. Try not to cry when three male nurses with huge smirks on their faces and two female nurses with sad but knowing looks follow you to your exam room because apparently this is an audience-worthy show. Document torture device to complete entertainment of your rapidly-gaining followers and secure your place as “one to watch.”
Because everyone loves a fool on twitter.
Thanks for all your help, ya’ll! And a big “Welcome!” to the 60 new followers I picked up during my freak show.
Because yes, these 10 Easy yet Totally Painful and Not-Even-Worth-It Steps totally work to build your twitter followers.
Ahem.
* Just in case you are also sleep-deprived and your sense of humor is on hiatus, I so did not do this in order to build followers.
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Writer. Mother.
