Velveteen Mind

Dick and Jane: A Love Story

Guest Post by Jane Doe

Did you see Velveteen Mind in your reader and got goose bumps?  If so, let me apologize in advance for this post.

I hate to disappoint you, but this is not Megan.   This is Mysterious Anonymous Guest Poster who wishes to remain anonymous.  I’m posting here at Megan’s today because I begged and pleaded until I somehow convinced Megan I am worthy to touch her blog there are reasons I can’t write the following story on my blog. 

This is the story of Dick and Jane and their torrid love affair.

Dick and Jane met when they were in their early twenties and not as little children with a dog named Spot.  In fact, the Dick and Jane in this story aren’t even related, which is good because this would be a very sick story if they were.

See, Dick and Jane had a hugely intense and passionate relationship.  Like tragic love story intense, only no one dies and there are no medieval castles with balconies.

The narrator of this story guesses their story doesn’t technically qualify as a tragic love story since no one died, but the audience here is intelligent enough to catch the drift.  Boy/girl meet.  Boy/girl fall passionately in love.  Boy/girl are torn apart for this reason or that.

There was an irresistible attraction between Dick and Jane. Absolutely irresistible. To this day, almost two decades later, Jane can clearly recall the first time she saw Dick and the jolt she felt.  Hollywood could script a movie scene from the moment.  Jane was that love struck.

The narrator would like to state that she doesn’t necessarily believe in love at first sight, but she does believe in I want to get into your pants at first sight.

The narrator of the story is also sitting here right now with a Cheshire cat grin on her face at the memory scene that is in no way is a true story. *ahem*  While the sexual attraction was there, the narrator knows it was more than getting into each other’s pants.   The narrator also thinks it is safe to say the feeling went both ways.  There was this magnetism between Dick and Jane that the narrator finds difficult to put into words. 

In fact, the narrator is having a hard time putting any of this into words and telling this story that is not based on her real life.  *ahem*

Jane fell madly in love with Dick.  Head over heels, foolishly, accidently, whole-heartedly in love.  She couldn’t turn her feelings off or stop it, though at times she desperately wanted to.  It was always there, overwhelming Jane, making her feel things she’d never felt before, and truthfully, has never felt since.

To make a long and complicated love story short (meaning the narrator will skip the steamy sex scenes, including the chapter on glow-in-the-dark condoms and the sweet nothings whispered in the dark), Dick and Jane didn’t make it.  Jane still doesn’t know exactly why they didn’t, they just didn’t, however heart-wrenching it was for her to have it end.   But end it did and messily, as all intensely passionate relationships must end. 

The narrator surmises there is no other way such passion can end other than a traumatic and messy severing.

And seventeen years went by without Dick or Jane knowing what happened to the other.  It seems odd something so powerful that it couldn’t be resisted would end so abruptly and permanently, yet odd things happen every day. 

Dick and Jane went on to live their lives in complete ignorance of one another until one day Jane stumbled across Dick on the internet. 

The narrator feels the need to inject some reality into the story yet again.  Jane didn’t exactly stumble across Dick.  Jane doesn’t like to admit that she has Googled for Dick occasionally over the years, holding her breath in anticipation, secretly hoping she would find Dick and secretly hoping she wouldn’t. 

On that fateful day Jane found Dick on the internet, Jane wasn’t sure what to do.  Should she contact him?  Both lovers have moved on in life, what’s the point?  Does she dare touch the healed wounds in her heart?  Jane knew she must be crazy to even consider it.

Jane has never prided herself on her sane actions.

It seems like the old saying of ‘history repeats itself’ holds true because Jane couldn’t help herself.   She contacted Dick.

KABLAMO! 

(That’s the sound of Jane falling out of her chair as the last ounce of sanity she had flew out the window.)

What was Jane thinking? The narrator says who the hell knows.

Dick replied to Jane's email.

KAWOWZA!

(That’s the sound of Jane throwing her upper body out of the window and taking huge gulps of air to fend off the feeling light-headedness.)

In recent weeks, Dick and Jane have exchanged innocent emails.  They caught up on the major life events of the past 17 years – kids, marriage, jobs, yada yada.  But then, Dick wanted to ask Jane some things that couldn’t be asked via work email.  Dick wanted Jane to call him.  So she did.

KAWHOOSH! 

(That’s the sound of any sense Jane had left flying out of the same window.)

Dicks’s voice hasn’t changed in 17 years.   He stills says Jane’s name the exact same way he did all those years ago.   Jane couldn’t help but smile to hear it and she felt that old familiar swelling in her chest again.  In just 30 seconds after hearing his voice.  After 17 years.

The narrator won’t tell what was said in the overall (and still generally innocent) conversation because it isn’t necessary to propel the story.  What is necessary for the readers to know is that Jane discovered she has blocked out their last night together. 

While Jane does have some memory of that last heartbreaking night, her memory ends with the two driving in a car to some vague destination, Jane giddy just to be in Dick’s presence.  Jane knows something must have happened after that because that was the night that ended their love affair once and for all, but Jane didn’t know exactly what.

Dick did remember and he told Jane.

Jane should have realized wounds caused by the ending of such a torrid love affair always heal weakly and jaggedly.  But she didn’t.  Jane is a little naïve when it comes to the darker side of the heart.

Instead, Jane was completely unprepared for the sudden fissure that erupted in her.  As Dick retold the story, Jane began to recall flashes of events.   Just a flicker of memories from that night caused her breath to shorten, her heart to feel as if caught in a vise, and her face to grimace in long-forgotten pain.  Repressed memories began to surface and crack the walls she’d built to forget. 

What has Jane done?

To be continued if the narrator feels Jane can withstand the debridement of this obviously poorly healed wound of the heart and Megan will tolerate this poor excuse for a melodrama to be on her blog again.

Meet Sprout

 Guest Post from PBS KIDS Sprout

Hi Moms and Dads!  We’re PBS KIDS Sprout - the first 24-hour preschool channel featuring shows kids love and parents trust, such as Sesame Street®, Barney & Friends™, Thomas & Friends™ and much more.  From morning to night, we’re a place where parents and kids share everything from singing and dancing to birthday wishes and bedtime stories.  So no matter where you are in your day, there’s always something to share with Sprout!

Thanks so much to Megan for inviting us to guest blog on her site so that we could introduce ourselves to everyone.  We are so excited to be going to BlogHer this week.  This is our first time attending the conference and we're looking forward to meeting everyone and learning more about the moms behind the blogs!  We look forward to chatting about how we could work together on some fun projects in the future. 

Sprout is unlike any other kid’s network out there because we’re truly interactive.  We feature kid’s artwork, birthday cards, videos and photos every day on TV as part of Sprout’s original programming -- like the live Sunny Side Up Show where our hosts share viewer-submitted birthday greetings, weather reports, artwork and more each morning through submissions sent to us from moms and dads just like you via our website, www.SproutOnline.com.  Sprout relies on parents to participate in our daily programming and give us feedback on how we're doing, so we're really looking forward to making new friends and learning how we can continue to better serve moms, dads and their preschoolers. 

We're especially excited to be co-sponsoring The People's Party on Thursday night from 8-midnight at the Westin.  We hope you can swing by!  Look for Shannon, Jenni, Rebecca or Ken at the party and also during breaks between the conference sessions on Friday and Saturday at the Sprout exhibit table where you can meet Cow Bella , one of the brand new Pajanimals from The Jim Henson Company and 4Kids Entertainment.  This is Cow Bella’s first public appearance and all the BlogHer attendees will not only be the first to meet her in person, but they will also get an exclusive sneak peek at the Pajanimals musical series that will be debuting exclusively on Sprout in November. 

If you're not yet familiar with Sprout or don't have the 24-hour channel, check us out here and call 1-866-9-SPROUT to request Sprout in your neighborhood.

This Mom Blogger Brought to You by...

For the most part, this blog is powered by coffee.  Lots and lots of coffee.  And I would be remiss to forget the toddler kisses.  Every post is hammered out with the chime of "I sit with you, Mom!" in the background.  Most paragraphs have "aczqfqqqq" in them at one point or another as little toddler feet get situated on my lap while I type.

I don't have daycare.  I don't have a nanny.  I run this muth' from home, in a semi-undressed state, with dishes in the sink and two little boys hanging from my limbs.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Okay, I would like a housekeeper and to have our babysitter come in a few times a week, but I'm working on that.  Unfortunately, both like to be paid in cash rather than flowery prose, and I'm short on one and long on the other.

When you make the choice to stay at home rather than rake in the paychecks from an office outside of the home, you also make the choice to accept a handful of compromises.  Not the least of which is a distinct lack of disposable income.  So, if you are a stay-at-home mom with an internet connection, you figure out ways to make that work for you.  Because, you know, we are made of time and bon-bons here.

A few months ago, I bought my pass to the annual BlogHer blogging conference with a credit card that I literally had to wipe the dust from before I used it.  I knew that I'd also have to come up with money to pay for a flight from Gulfport, Mississippi to San Francisco, California, as well as pay for a handful of nights in a hotel room.  I did not have the money to pay for any of this.

In short, I was doing a bit of "fake it til you make it."  In fact, I've been faking that I could even go to BlogHer every single moment of the planning process for The People's Party.  Kevin Costner and Ray Liotta swear that if you build it, they will come...  so that works with blogging, too, right?

Arianne says that "to think is to create."  Let's see how far we can take that theory...

I do not advocate using credit cards other than for emergencies, but I was tired of my desktop crashing and needed a computer.  After this final crash, it was still in the geek shop going on almost a month.  This was not working for this blogger here, as I was simultaneously trying to launch an online magazine and attend to the needs of sponsors and party guests on their way to BlogHer with eyes set on free drinks and fun music.  I needed a reliable computer.

Sometimes it just takes being at the right place at the right time for the digital 1's and 0's to align into stars.

While looking for a replacement TV and trying to not look shocked that TVs cost a minimum of $300 now, I wandered into the laptop section of our local Best Buy.  All I was trying to do was buy myself some time and distance from the TV sales clerk so I could slip out the door empty-handed.  And then...  I fell in love.

I've never used a laptop before.  I knew that they contained some kind of magical device that would let you work online from the comfort of your couch or backyard or bathroom floor, but I had never experienced such geek bliss.  I never knew what I was missing, people.  Why didn't you tell me?

While wandering the laptop aisles, a glossy 17" screen and full size keyboard caught my eye.  Encouraged by a surprisingly low price tag, I dared touch this magical piece of technology called "HP Pavilion."  It was like...  mmmmmagic.

The click of the keyboard!  The width of the screen promising multiple windows open at the same time!  The spajillions of gigabytes of hard drive!  She must be mine! 

And so she is.  I sit here now, on my couch, with babies by my side, tickling little toes into my leg and smooshing soft kisses on my cheek, all the while typing away like there's no tomorrow and editing hasn't been invented, yet.

Arianne says "to think is to create."  She also says, "Ask for what you need.  Ask for help."

And so I did.  Armed with my new laptop and productivity to put Martha Stewart to shame, I asked for help to get to BlogHer.  You won't believe who answered the call...

HP.

With the help of HP, I am going to BlogHer with just enough sponsorship that I won't have to sell my liver in order to pay the credit card bill.  Which is a good thing because I plan to put my liver through its paces at the parties this week.

The funny thing is, this is not the first time HP has reached out to me. 

A few nights after Hurricane Katrina, after evacuating with only a few days' worth of clothes and a couple of photo albums, I sat down at a relative's computer and visited Snapfish, which had only recently joined up with HP.  We had bought a digital camera only a few months before and I had made a habit of immediately uploading every photo we took of our new baby to Snapfish, you know, just in case.

As it turned out, Snapfish was the only insurance policy that would be paying out for quite a while.

I sat and marveled at photos of our home, at the things that had made up our lives and were now marinating at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.  I sat and thanked all that was good and all that was foresight for the fact that I had used Snapfish to store our photos.

And then I wrote them a letter.  And I told them just that.

What followed was a handful of months of correspondence between me, Snapfish, and their parent company, HP.  In the days after Katrina, everyone wanted a face to put with the disaster, and I provided a face.  I provided a story.  I also provided an outlet for their desire to help.

Shortly after I shared my late-night story of gratitude with Snapfish, they extended an offer to all of their customers on the Gulf Coast, issuing enough credits to enable all of us to reprint every single photo we had stored with Snapfish.

HP gave us something to hold in our hands during a time when most of us had nothing to hold other than each other.

Now, almost three years later, they are helping me again.  Thank you, HP.

So, I will be at BlogHer and I'll be there with a fancy new HP Pavilion laptop.  You'll be able to spot me because I'll be toting that laptop in one of the few cool laptop totes I could find that would fit a 17" screen. 

Just look at this awesome laptop tote I found from Janine King Designs on etsy!   It is simply...  me.  And because I am a dolt and despite the fact that I know better, that snazzy designer was willing to do a rush job for me and deliver my tote before I left for BlogHer, even though she clearly spells out her delivery times in her policies.

Real people.  This blog is powered by real people.  Real people that pay attention to their customers and attend to their needs as much as they can.

There was a bit of a ruckus recently when someone somewhere complained that some of our blogs have just become link blogs with very little content.  I disagree.  I say that our blogs have broken out of our heads and our asses (where our heads reside most of the time) and acknowledge the people that keep these exercises in ego running.  We can't always do it all by ourselves.

Sometimes we need to ask for help.  And we are nothing but gracious when those calls are answered.

With that, allow me to take one more moment of your time and two more clicks of your mouse and introduce you to the two newest sponsors of The People's Party:

 

    

 

Most of you already know 5 Minutes for Mom, as it was the first stop in mom blogs for most of us starting out.  They have a gorgeous new design and a handful of new sister sites, so if you haven't been there lately, do check it out.

A new service that you may not be familiar with, though, is Consumer Pop.  A new marketing consultation and blogger concierge service, Consumer Pop helps you build, as well as understand, your brand, offering dynamic approaches to reaching out to your audience and satisfying their needs.  They are new on the scene and would love to tell you more about what they can do for you so that you can do more for your audience!

...So that's it for me for a couple of days.  On Tuesday and Wednesday, I'll have guest posts from two of our sponsors of The People's Party and I sincerely encourage you to stop by and get to know them.  Learn what they are about, why they are going to BlogHer, and how they can work with you, regardless of whether or not you are going to BlogHer.

Then?  Well, then I won't talk about BlogHer much other than perhaps a round-up of the weekend and what I may or may not have learned.  Oh yeah, and very possibly some photographs of The Bloggess licking motherbumper. 

At the very least, stop by on Thursday for a link to the live feed of The People's Party.  I'll be sending shout-outs to you, in particular, so you won't want to miss it!

Now...  reach out and connect.  Ask yourself what you need and go make it happen.  After all, to think is to create... 

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If Matt Lauer Won't Have Me, Brian Williams Will... Not, Either.

NBC Nightly News emailed me the other day.  Yeah, the one on TV.  The one with Brian Williams.  And, no, you smart-alecs, it was not a newsletter or some such spam.  A real live NBC Nightly News staffer emailed me personally.  For my opinion.  Or, as I like to think of it when one of The Big Three calls me:  my Oh-pin-eee-yawn.  Okay, clearly I've been watching far too much The King of Queens, one of the few DVD sets we own while we have no cable.

Speaking of no cable, someone get that hooked up ASAP because I am going to be on TV!

I immediately pictured this: Brian Williams:  Tonight on NBC Nightly News, I fall in love with Megan Jordan and steal her away from Matt Lauer.

Let the Velveteen Mind love fest begin!

And may I say that it is about time that NBC noticed me?  I've been writing about Matt Lauer ever since my guest post on Plain Jane Mom, My Label Maker is Broken This Week.  In fact, it was that post that finally caught the attention of NBC News.  You know, this NBC:

Brian Williams:  So Barack, I'm thinking Megan's boobies would be about this big in person. 
What is your opinion on that matter?
Barack Obama:  You nasty, Brian.

The NBC News researcher found my "Label Maker" post while researching the topic of pollsters using labels such as "Soccer Mom" and "Security Mom" during this election.  Not the first time I have been hit up for an interview based on that guest post, mind you.  Naturally, I am the go-to blogger on the topic of politics.

Ahem.

Nevertheless, Erika Angulo had questions.  On behalf of NBC.  Which clearly means, on behalf of Matt Lauer.

Note to Erika, it's only going to get uglier from here.  I'm about to massacre our interview, so you might want to go back to work for Brian Williams right about now.  Tell him I said, "Holla!"

The brilliantly patient Erika, who had no idea of the long-winded answers she was about to receive, wanted to know if I felt labels such as "Wal-Mart Mom" are necessary to describe certain groups of voters.  Additionally, what are the main issues for mothers during this election and do I feel that John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton are doing a satisfactory job of addressing those issues?

The Queen of Spain is now spitting out her coffee and yelling, "Why on earth would you ask Megan, of all people?!" 
Shut up, Erin.  I am wicked smaht.

In response to Erika's questions, clearly on behalf of Brian Williams himself, I expounded as such:

"I think that our current Presidential candidates are, in fact, too concerned about what specific groups want to hear.  Hence, the mad grasping at labels so they can get a jump on what they expect to hear.   So, do I think that they are doing a good job of addressing issues of mothers today?  Yes, and I wish they'd stop.

Catering to our "interests" may be just what has helped to create the entitlement society in which we are currently living, in my humble opinion.  (You are laughing, right?)"

I wasn't sure if I had answered her question, so I went on to further not answer her question by offering my opinions about how complex mothers are today (which I will illustrate with a photo of me standing in front of ABC Studios in New York, demonstrating my opinion of Good Morning America vs. The TODAY Show on NBC):

"Many of us are struggling with rather disparate opinions when it comes to our current political environment.  Not to mention the financial environment.  What we want and need for our families may be contradictory at some point, so that leaves us grasping at three tremulous candidates.  All of which are walking on politically correct eggshells and offering very little real hope.

Can you care about gas prices but also capitalism?  Can you pay to drive your kids to soccer practice, frowning at the havoc it is wreaking on your budget, while you or your husband is earning the money for that gas by working at "The Better Mousetrap Company"?"

I think at this point, Erika was saying to herself, "Did she just answer my question?  Did she read my question?  Does she think this is a blog post?  She had better not try to turn this into a blog post."

She responded to my email with something along the lines of how my opinion was "refreshing," which I think means "completely irrelevant and uninformed" in reporter-speak.  She then went on to ask my opinion of whether or not the government should pay for child care and if employers should implement mandatory work schedules to enforce a work-life balance for mothers.

Asking a stay-at-home mother about working mothers' rights is sort of like asking a frog if birds should be allowed to fly at night. 

But I answered her anyway.  I had to answer her, because I was picturing this:

Brian Williams to Brian Williams:  I never knew such a brilliant mind existed out there.  And to think I can read Velveteen Mind any time I want.  Now, do I pronounce this political goddess's name "Meeegan" or "Meg-an"?

I would hate to deprive Brian Williams, and by extension Matt Lauer, of my profound opinions on things I have no business talking about...  or pretty much thinking about ever.

So I responded to Erika's questions about working mothers' rights with something along the lines of, "Where does it end in regards to who picks up what part of the bill?" and "Exactly when did our responsibility to make well-informed choices as parents end?  When were we granted the freedom to stop making the hard decisions, because I seem to have missed that memo?" 

Oh yeah,  and something very much like, "I don't want a SugarDaddy-in-Chief."

Then Erika emailed me back with something like, "Huh?"

And then she dropped the bomb on me:

"The story should be on msnbc.com this weekend."

What?  I thought I was going to be on TV?!  MSNBC dawt calm?!!!  That's for losers that don't have cable!

Um, apparently while I was distractedly dazzled by the photo of Brian Williams at the top of the website she sent me to in her first email, I failed to notice she had sent me to the "web exclusive" section. 

Note to NBC:  your staffers should not be allowed to send interviewees to sites with photos of people that even know Matt Lauer if they are not, in fact, going to be seduced interviewed by said person and broadcast out for all the world to see on television...  with flashing signs illuminating their cool blog's URL and such, too.  FYI.

So, I remain this close to meeting Matt Lauer:

So close, yet so far away.

And the interview consigned to msnbc.com?  It showed up on the front page that weekend, as promised, and lots and lots of people got to read all of my erudite opinions on political pollsters and the distinct lack of a need for a SugarDaddy-in-Chief.

Wait.  Damn.  No, they didn't.  My bit was cut down to a couple of lame soundbites that Goose, my one year old, could have given.  I have no idea why they cut out my comedy routine.

I'm here all week, folks.

PS-  NBC the television network: 

I am available to fly (at your cost) to New York and appear on the TODAY Show or NBC Nightly News or any of your other shows that are housed in the vicinity of Matt Lauer's dressing room any time.  I even know where to find you, though a limo to Rockefeller Plaza would not be turned down.

PPS-  I know I told you there was going to be some "tongue" involved in this post, but the photo of me, well, sort of licking Matt Lauer has been compromised.  Don't be too disappointed, though, because his face may or may not have been made of cardboard.

PPPS-  NBC also interviewed Erika Jurney from Plain Jane Mom for the same piece and she came off sounding smart.  Whatever.  When she starts seeing bumper stickers that say "SugarDaddy-in-Chief" she'll be jealous.

************

Related Posts:

What's Important This Election, Mom? by Erika Angulo on msnbc.com

Phrase Anatomy:  Who will be the "Soccer Moms" of 2008 Campaign? by Jennifer A. Dlouhy, Hearst Newspapers

I Am Your Very Own Dichotomy.

Who's Afraid of the Queen of Spain?

My Label Maker is Broken This Week.  guest post on Plain Jane Mom

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Blog-Sitting for Fussypants and I'm Going Pearl-less

I am neither Fussy nor wearing Pants, but I am guest posting over at Fussypants today!

And, because I can't stop thinking about babies and giving birth, I am sharing both of my birth stories, some of which you have heard, most of which you have not.

I even included a photo of me in a red bikini at 8 months pregnant!

By the way, if you are new here from Fussypants, stick around because I have a story to share with you involving Matt Lauer, Brian Williams from NBC Nightly News, and my tongue.  Including pictures.

You are seriously subscribing right now, aren't you?

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