Velveteen Mind

Fear My Indifference

Do you feel like I'm talking to you?  Do you feel like I'm really talking to you?

Or do you feel like I'm talking at you?

This is not about blogging.  This is not even about writing.  This is about communication and relationships.

I could have and may have alienated some of you when I wrote about my Mary garden or when I delved into the stickiness that is "Mary worship." However I had to risk our relationship in order to be able to truly talk to you about something that was important to me.  You may not agree with me, but at least you were given the opportunity to know how I feel.  To see me.

It is not necessary for us to always agree with each other in order to maintain a relationship.  I won't even go so far as to call it a friendship.  It is not beyond my grasp to imagine that some of you may not like me at all, may not agree with what I say, but you stick around because something about the way that I express myself speaks to you. 

Do you feel as though I see you and am talking to you, rather than directing my voice at a faceless audience with opinions that are of no concern to me?  I am not here for your traffic or your clicks or your links. 

I am not here for your vote and to hell with what you might need.

But I'll get back to that later.  One taboo topic at a time.

The other day, I was talking with another blogger and she shared a handful of facts about herself that she had never revealed on her own blog.  Fairly basic facts, in my opinion, but certainly not run-of-the-mill facts.  These tidbits of information concerned her family, her upbringing, and her religious orientation.  Like I said, basic information, but far from average details.  Oh, the twists and turns!  How colorful her life was!  How fascinating!

I asked her why she doesn't write about these things on her blog and she said that she tries to write about topics that are universal.  She limits her content to that which people can relate to and easily so. Specifically, she said she tries not to use the word "I" very much, because who wants to read all about "me me me."  I'm paraphrasing.

I had to laugh because I can't tell you how often I'll read over a post and have to edit it because almost every paragraph begins with "I."  Oh, I hear you, sister.

However, I still write about me me me all the time. Occasionally, I write about things that are anything but universally relatable.  I just roll the dice and take whatever response I get. 

And yet, you seem to find yourselves in what I write about myself. Even when I think none of you will understand.  Or none of you will care.  Let alone that any of you will agree.

You find yourselves in me most often when I write something that I think will most certainly alienate you.  My words resonate in you when I am sure they will shrink as though in a cavern of indecipherable fog. 

When I feel I have most certainly gone too far into myself, I seem to find you...  waiting there, asking me, "So, what took you so long?"

When it comes to matters of family and faith, I can think of no other more universal topics.  The details and specifics are inconsequential.  We all have family.  We all have some manner of faith, even if it is a distinct lack of one or a specific commitment to ambiguity.   We all have some opinion, even if it is that we have no opinion.  In fact, it seems that those people who have no opinion are the most long-winded in their explanations of why not.

So I urged her to risk alienating her audience.  I urged her to write for herself.  To use the word "I" until it appeared she had a developed a tick. 

Hell, I just referred to Mormons as fruits.  I do believe half of my readers are Mormon.  How in the hell that happened, I couldn't tell you, but I love it. 

Specifically, I love it because I may just have been wrong about Mormons being loopy decaffeinated watered-down Scientologists.  Excuse me while my ego has a panic attack over the idea that I might be admitting I was wrong about something...

Mormons believe, among other things, that God appeared to Joseph Smith and told him to begin a new church.  A modern day prophet.  I believe that Mary has appeared and continues to appear to people across the globe, spreading the message of conversion and the importance of prayer and peace.

Maybe we should all be locked up.  God forbid you lock us up together, though, because the Catholics will be bringing along a lot of alcohol and I have a feeling the Mormons would pass out from the virtual den of iniquity we would be creating.

Or maybe we don't believe any of that bunk about modern day apparitions.  Perhaps it is the power of the faith of those that do believe that is inspiring.  Finding yourself inspired by the devotion and faithfulness of those who do believe, whole heartedly, is an act of faith in itself.  The power of belief and conversion is impressive, even if it is not your own.  The end result is something more tangible, more universal, more all-encompassing.  A common ground, even if some of us are standing in potholes and others on mounds of rubbish.   

In the end, is that not the hand of God?  Unification.  Faith.  Community.  Is that not the point?

...Bringing us back around to misinterpretations and assumptions and fears of alienation.  I have always thought of Mormons as prudish. Come to find out, a lot of non-Christians think of Christians in general as prudish.    Living in the deep South, we don't run into a lot of non-Christians around here.  I would be hard pressed to find a Jew right now, in fact. 

But the internet, well, welcome to the Thunderdome of religions, my friend.

I have come to be exposed to a lot of assumptions that none of us drink or swear, dare to break the commandments lest we be ostracized from the fold, that kind of stuff.  Fears abound that we are all easily offended as we ride our high horses, striking down sinners with our mighty swords of holy-rollerness.  So we hesitate to extend ourselves.  To reveal ourselves.

Goddamn (throwing back another shot of vodka)...  I sure as hell hope that's not the case because I'll be sh*t out of luck when I show up at the pearly gates with my six pack and flask, looking for my new mansion, ready for my bigger boobs, and trying to hunt down that hot neighbor I always coveted.  ;)

My point is that we are all people.  Real people.  Strip away the dogma and we are all of the same human nature.  We disagree, we fight, we judge, we ostracize, and we think.  More than anything else, we want to connect.  Even if that connection is a tenuous or contentious one.

We want to be seen.  Truly seen.  And heard.

Words spoken from the heart, with boldness and transparency, are welcome to even the most disparate of listeners.  Fear not the estrangement of others, but rather the complacency.

I will say it again...  this is not about blogging or writing.  This is the truth about communication and relationships as I know it across the board.  This is true of friends, of caregivers, of lovers, of co-workers, of religious leaders, of politicians, of teachers, of family.  Talk to me like an adult.  I can take it.  I can take you. 

Don't fear my opinion.  Fear my indifference.

Live wide open.

I'm talking to you.
 

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Mary Garden: Church of the Kitchen Window

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Those are the first words of the Hail Mary.  They are also the words of the Archangel Gabriel, as spoken to Mary during the Annunciation, the occasion of Mary learning that she would conceive a child to be born the Son of God.

Growing up, I always thought of the Hail Mary as a prayer to be uttered when vampires were on your tail or some kind of demon had you holed up in a church.  Maybe when a dinosaur was about to eat you, too.  Good luck with that, by the way.

I also knew that it had something to do with clickey-beads (the Rosary), but pretty much associated that with old ladies and nuns. 

Given how often I pray the Hail Mary these days, you would think I was an old nun with vampire dinosaurs from hell hot on my heels.

Raised Methodist but with some devout Catholics sprinkled throughout our family, I grew up with faith, but not necessarily religion.  We had many spiritual discussions in our family, but very little had to do with any specific dogma.  And I was just fine with that.

I hated Sunday school with a passion.  I'd sooner do my chores and my brother's than have to go to Sunday school at the Methodist church.

I was intimidated by Catholics and all of their standing and sitting and kneeling and hand motions.  The first time I attended a Catholic church, I wore jeans with an overkill of holes in them.  I must have been ten or eleven and when my aunt told me that I could wear anything I wanted to Catholic Mass, I decided to see just how far I could push that envelope.  Deal with those Catholics on my own terms.

Halfway through Mass, I had to run outside and throw up in the bushes.  My aunt said I had locked my knees at one point and that must have been what did it, because when I went to kneel down for the umpteenth time, I about passed out.

No more Catholic church for me until years later.

In high school, I was the president of my high school sorority.  One of our monthly group activities, in addition to monthly service projects, was to attend one of the member's churches.  A different church every month.  A different denomination every month.  Quite the whirlwind of Jesus, let me tell you.

Of course, this meant getting up early on Sunday, which was a problem because I was quite the, uh, party girl in high school.  Saturday nights were spent under the expansive deck of the yacht club with my motley crew of friends ("motley" in a Dead Poet's Society kind of way, that is) , taste-testing every variety of wine coolers and Boone's available.  I still remember the night my best friend and I downed a six pack of wine coolers and found ourselves stone sober.  We briefly considered this a bad sign, but then discovered that mixing wine coolers with The Beast would nicely solve that sobriety problem.

The next morning was one of those church mornings with the sorority.  Half way through the service, I found myself throwing up in the bushes again.  This time for a very different reason, but still...  Welcome back to the Catholic church.  The devil is clearly still in your gut.

Today I am able to attend Mass without even a hint of the sickies, thank you very much.  I suspect that the devil is still in my gut, but he's only allowed out on the rare occasion.  The rest of the time, I have found that I very much have Mary in my heart.  Through her, I have Jesus in my life.

And now I want to throw up in the bushes because that sounds so damn cheesy.

Nevertheless, I have found a connection through the Blessed Mother.   I pray the Rosary and find a solace I never knew.  Just as when Gabriel said, "The Lord is with thee," I believe that I have the favor of God in my life, as well.

Explaining the Rosary as a prayer calling for the intercession of Mary on our behalf to Jesus is complicated.   Even I don't fully understand it.  However, I am endlessly fascinated by Mary's role, as well as Marian lore.  Stories of Mary apparitions capture my attention wholly.

The irony is that I have always thought Mormons to be a bunch of fruits for believing that God appeared to Joseph Smith and told him to begin a new church.  Well, fruits, indeed.

Ya'll want some nuts with your fruit, because I don't have any problem believing that Mary has been appearing during modern times and continues to do so.

I wish I could explain that.  But it works for me.  And I have faith.

Although my little family here is Catholic, we do not attend church on a regular basis.  We know we need to and we feel we want to, but we can't seem to pull it together, yet.  Yet.  In the meantime...

My Mary Garden.  My church of the dirt. 
My church of the kitchen window.

I stand in my tiny sliver of a guest house kitchen, in this place that is so not my home.  I look out the window onto the alley that holds my Mary Garden, and know.  Know that I am home.  Where she is.  Where He is.  I am home.  At last.

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Anticipation. (a sneak peak)

Mary Worship. Really?

Hey StumbleUpon stumblers! 
This is an important one for me.  Loving your Thumbs Up and will visit you, too, soon!  Thanks!  Megan
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Today was a very important day for our little family.  We needed something to come to pass, something we had been hoping for and working toward for some time now.  We would find out today whether or not our prayers would be answered.

However, I figured some last-minute prayers couldn't hurt, so I decided to try a different approach for me:  I went to church.  Imagine that.  Of course, being me, I couldn't do it all straight-forward-like...

A couple of weeks ago I took the boys out for a country drive to look for horses, Pants's newest interest.  Somewhere along the way, I made about a half dozen wrong turns and ended up in another county.  I was totally lost.  I saw the "Entering Hancock County" sign and knew I was in trouble.  Then I started noticing that every other road and mailbox had the name "Favre" on it, and I knew I was really in trouble:  I was in Kiln.  Or "The Kill" as they pronounce it around here.  Hometown to Brett Favre and apparently every other Favre in the country. 

Unfortunately, I don't follow football, wasn't excited at the prospect of seeing some Favre kin, and as far as I was concerned, was in the middle of some kind of inbreeding central, in which some redneck was bound to throw out a length of barbed wire across the road to pop our tires, drag us off into the woods, and do weird The Hills Have Eyes kind of stuff to us.

Just about the time I was about to start panicking, I saw a church.  A beautiful church that didn't look like it housed any scary woods-people.  The Annunciation Catholic Church.  Welcome salvation to me.  To make a long story short (I never do), I was able to call for help and use the church as a touch-stone for directions out of there.

Before leaving, however, I couldn't help but notice how inviting this particular church appeared to me.  Most striking was the fact that they had a Mary garden, featuring a statue of Our Lady of Medjugorje.  I found this fascinating, as just that weekend I was planning on creating my own Mary garden outside our kitchen window.  Serendipity.

Today, feeling that a handful of rushed prayers said among piles of dinosaurs and diapers wouldn't do the trick, I thought of the Annunciation Church.  It felt perfect, so I put Pants down for his nap (Al was home to watch over him), piled Cheeks into the car, grabbed my new one decade Miraculous Medal rosary and a handful of holy cards (these complicated Catholic prayers are still new to me), and hit the road.

Cheeks and I spent the next three hours together in the Mary garden, as well as inside the church.  All alone, except for the bees and dragonflies that flitted around us outside as I prayed.  It was perfect.  It was just the solitude and peace that I needed.  Putting my worries into Mary's hands, I could feel my anxiety drain away.

So, as a Catholic, was I praying to Mary today?  Not exactly.  No "Mary Worship" occurred today.  Rather than praying to Mary or worshiping Mary, I was asking Mary to pray for me.  I was asking for her intercession on my behalf to her Son.  I was asking her to be my advocate.  I was asking her to pray.  My own little prayer chain.

Aldara at Catholic Mommyhood recently wrote about being rejected from some Christian blogrolls because she was Catholic.  She was informed, after signing up for a Christian blogroll, that it was only for Protestants.  Mind you, this was not a Protestant blogroll; it was a Christian blogroll.

Catholics are Christian.  We don't worship Mary or the saints.  We ask them to pray to Jesus, our God, for us.  Just as we pray to Jesus, to Christ, directly.  We don't need them as middlemen, but a little extra prayer can't hurt, right?  I've heard some Protestants say, "I don't need a middle man to reach my God."  Well, I don't either.  But again, consider the Wedding at Cana:  Jesus knew the bridal party had run out of wine, He is omniscient and knew what they needed, but it took His Mother to persuade Him to help.

I've written previously about recently making efforts to learn more about Catholicism and, honestly, what all this Mary stuff was really about.  One night, while wrangling Cheeks on the floor of Barnes and Noble amid a mass of Catholicism basics books, I found an explanation about what all this "Mary Worship" stuff is.  Written by a priest, he explained it this way: 

If your neighbor asked you to pray for their sick mother, would you?  Would you say, "Absolutely not.  Tell her to pray to God herself."  Of course not.  You would say you would be happy to do it.  And you would.

This doesn't mean you are worshiping your neighbor any more than it means Catholics worship Mary.  Praying for intercession (prayers to Jesus) by Mary, saints, or our own dead relatives is just another way of asking for your neighbor to pray for you.  The only difference is, these folks are dead and already in Heaven. 

Most importantly, after asking your neighbor to pray for you (seriously, think about Protestant prayer chains), you don't then consider it covered and not pray to God yourself.  No, you continue to pray to God directly, as well.  This is the same for Catholics.

Between our prayers, prayers from our family, prayers from our friends, and His Mother whispering in His ear on our behalf, I imagine Jesus has probably had just about enough of us for a while.  We've been coming at Him from all sides.

Granted, there is an awful lot of focus on Mary in the Catholic Church.  However, it doesn't take away from focus and devotion to Christ.  As a matter of fact, in considering Mary more, wondering about her life and role in the life of her Son, I've thought more about Jesus lately than I have in years.  It is through Mary that I have found a closer connection to Jesus.

So that's what I think about "Mary Worship."  I promise, this is not a religious blog.

Shortly after returning home this evening, we found that our prayers had been answered.  The answer was "yes."  We were overjoyed.  Praise Jesus! (It's important for you to throw your hands up and your head back when you say that last part, ala "Praise Jebus!")  I can't even begin to tell you the relief and gratitude we feel.  This weekend is going to be one hell of a celebration.

After quite some time of wishing and praying for the same thing, I don't know what I'll do with all that praying energy now.  Anyone have any  prayers they would like me to say for them?  That is, as long as you aren't afraid of being accused of a little "Megan Worship."

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee...

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us...