Hot Spot Hopping

Today, I collected coffee cups like a hipster collects nightclub hand stamps. 

After dropping off the boys at their preschool, one of two days during the week when they are both there, if only for a few hours, I decided that I would load up my gear and get some work done at our local Barnes and Noble.  I have always envied the oblivious laptop users I would see in cafes, so it was high time that I tote my new laptop to a local cafe and get all oblivious-like in my work, too.

Apparently, there is some secret among said oblivious-laptop-users in these cafes that they are none too interested in spilling...  and that secret involves how you access the wifi connections.  Ah, wireless Internet!  How you escape me!

After being assured by the barista (no matter how many times I read that word, it still sounds pretentious) that all I had to do was open my browser and I'd see what to do, I was hesitant to return to her and say that, in fact, I did not see what to do.  Something about the smirky tone in which she delivered my "instructions" suggested that if I didn't get it, I shouldn't be allowed to breathe their French-roasted air.

Maybe it's all the times customers give fake names to be written on their cups like "Chewbacca" or "Spanky" that make them lose patience with customers.  How many times can you call out, "Tall half-caf Pumpkin Latte for Magnum P.I.!" before you crack?

In any case, after an hour of trying to hack the secret code embedded in the AT&T wireless site, I gave up and moved to the next cafe.

By the way, AT&T, I was absolutely willing to pay $3.99 for 2 hours of your lousy Internet connection, so how about making it easier to take advantage of the desperately relieved to be out of the house?  Like, a big blinking button on your front page that says "Click here to pay an unreasonable amount of money for a very brief amount of access. Because who are we kidding?  You just paid $4 for a coffee."  I would totally click that.

Nevertheless, I was off to the next cafe.

Which didn't have wifi.   

A fact I was informed of as the barista was handing me my "I'm not here to take advantage of your free wifi connection" coffee.

Hm.  I need to get the order of my questions down better.  First ask if they have wifi, then order your coffee.

I now have two coffees, have consumed about half of each, of which I really wanted neither, and I can feel the coffee-sweat-jitters setting in.  Clearly, I would need to buy a $12 muffin at my next stop to soak up some of this caffeine.  Clearly.

Next stop, the cute new coffee house I've been meaning to try but whose exterior suggested that I would need to be wearing eye makeup if I wanted to feel comfortable.  As it happens today, I have on eye makeup, so here goes...

I've got the system down now:

Barista:  How can I help you?

Me (scrutinizing coffee board as though I'm dying for an obscure dessert drink, while holding in my sweaty armpits so she can't tell I'm OD'ing on caffeine already):  Hmm, let's see...  Oh, right, do ya'll have wifi?

Barista: Yes, ma'am, we do.  You should be able to just open a browser and see what to do.

Me (experiencing déjà vu but feeling optimistically wicked smaht): Great, right, so I'd like a tall white chocolate mocha.  Er, half caf.

Barista:  Here's your change.  Oh, by the way, when you look for our wireless network, our wifi is AT&T.

Me:  D'oh!

I'm back at home now.  Three dessert coffees poorer.  Three doses of caffeine higher.  On my already-paid-for wireless connection, trying desperately to ignore all of the chores that need to be done and pretending that my now-home kids are just noisy cafe patrons that like to spill things.

Oh, and did I mention that since being pregnant for a seemingly solid four years, I don't usually drink caffeinated coffee?

Yeah.

I'll be up til Monday.

jitter jitter buzz buzz shake sweat jitter buzz

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Comments

[Velma]

Are you trying to tell me that you have created Blog Nosh WITHOUT THE HELP OF CAFFEINE?!?

You are obviously a robot.

[texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana]

I have been there only it was at a play place with my 3 children. I asked the 15 year olds that worked there 4 times how to access the internet...sigh. By the time I figured it out the kids were bored and we had to go home.

[melissa @ the inspired room]

Ha. I had the same thing happen at airports across the country a few months ago. I lugged this expensive 2 ton machine in and out of airplanes, thinking I would be super cool if I blogged while waiting to "catch my flight."Major fail. NO ONE is available to help at the airport. So instead I sat there taking photos of myself looking stupid with the built in camera.

[Alli {Mrs. Fussypants}]

It is 7:45pm here in Nashville. Just finished a cup of coffee. About to have a glass of Cab.

I'm living on caffine & grace these days.

<3 you.

[Auds at Barking Mad]

All that caffeine would have landed me on the moon.

Oh wait, I'm not breastfeeding anymore!!! I wonder if Starbucks delivers!

[Melissa in Mel's World]

Seriously, you never cease to amaze me...WOW, that is A LOT of coffee...here's to a great night's sleep!

xoxo,
Melissa

[Christina]

Oh dear lord! I would be up for days on all that! In fact, I think I just caught a contact buzz from you reading this.....

[bejewell]

Sounds like SOMEONE needs a decaf.

[chaotic joy]

Oh I'm so glad you wrote this. I have had one similar experience and have since lived in fear of bringing hubs laptop to the coffee shop again. Blogging without my four children seems like Shangri La. But it's Shangri La with a freakin locked door that everyone just waltzes through all in the know about the secret knock and crap. And now I happen to know I am getting a laptop, I will have to conquer this fear.

[deb on the rocks]

So who had the best coffee?

[Jennifer]

I resent that these places charge for wi-fi and make it so complicated to use. When I was on vacation, I was forced to blog at McDonald's (McBlog) for their wi-fi and I had to go through a nightmare of questions and codes every single day.

I just can't bring myself to say barista! It's like nails on a chalkboard!

[Jen @ blissfully caffeinated]

You know they just tell you, "Open the browser and you'll see what to do," because THEY don't know what to do? If those coffee kids really knew how to get you on the wi fi they would give better directions.

[Wisconsin Mommy]

Do you guys have Panera? They have free wi-fi and even I was able to figure it out (which is a HUGE plug for the ease of their wi-fi!).

[Debra]

I'm not laughing at you. Really, I am laughing with you.

I had trouble with wifi in my own living room. The last time I attempted it away from home, I wound up with my head smooshed next to a hotel window in an attempt to pick up a signal. Frantic calls to the front desk following, only to be told "nope, everything's fine on our end." Well ... found out the next morning from a colleague that there WAS a problem on the hotel's end -- their whole network was down.

Wasted evening of frustration and self-flagellation. I don't even have a lap-top right now. I'd rather just stare at the same four walls at home than beat my head against the metaphorical ones on the road.

[Amy]

Ha ha ha ha. You are awesome

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

I did the SAME thing on Friday, 3 different spots. One charged $10 for wi-fi...GAG...one had no wi-fi....bigger gag...the third, a group of PTA moms from my school sat down with me and just went to town. Hello, laptop, stack of stuff, obviously busy. I just went home, defeated and folded laundry instead.

[Christy]

OMG! I am cracking up right now, that totally sounds like something I would do. I hate the coffee sweats I think its something you only get in the South.

[Red Flashlight]

You are playing my tune! I totally get it! As a semi-employed contract attorney I spent hours and hours in coffee shops, slaving away and slurping coffee. My advice to you - open a search engine and search for "free wireless coffee," along with the name of your town. Where I live there are about a kabillion local coffee shops and restaurants that offer free wireless without the creepy attitude. But before such free-wheeling days there were those (like me) who made lists of free wireless places, to clue in the hapless victims of Sta!@#ck's sketchy and expensive wireless. Corporations are finally catching on, too. I think Panera restaurants all have free wireless, and I just heard from my boss that McDonald's sometimes has free wireless! It's obviously not the hippest scene at McDonald's but at least it's a chance to get away from the noise and haste. You can play secret agent - no one will think to look for you there. :)

[Heather]

I just have to say again, you are awesome. I love your writing.

I so wish I could help you get online, but I'm rather far away so I don't think I'd be much use.

But honestly, I don't seem to get much done when I work at cafes. I mostly just feel terribly romantic and hip.

Oh and I've long since learned that I must have food in my stomach before the coffee, or all is lost to the caffeine jitters, I hear you there.

[MommyTime]

I get the caffeine jitters too after all that pregnancy and nursing, even though I finished the latter over a year ago. Here's my best tip: Panera. They have bottomless cups of (good) coffee for less than $2 AND FREE WIFI that actually works. When you open your browser there, just go to Panera.com, and there will be very easy "click here" buttons to connect you almost instantly. I never go to Starbucks. I resent their pretentious coffee size names and spendy prices. Also, I'm too cheap to go there when Panera is right next door. :)

[Tara]

All of this just goes to prove my point - we'd all be better off if we never left the house and just lived in our lounging gear all day long.
That's my dream anyhow!

[sam {temptingmama}]

That's precisely why I just stay home and drink my entire pot of coffee in peace.

[Maria]

Ugh! That is so frustrating. The one thing I dislike about starbucks is the pay-for- wifi. It's complete BS. You're a multimillion dollar corporation, you can't extend your motto of customer service to free wifi? BS.

[Musings of a Housewife]

Glad to know I'm not missing anything by not having a laptop! :-)

[Hip Mom's Guide]

I second the recommendation for Panera. Their wifi is free and really is easy to access. I love the Starbucks ambiance, but for the price, they really need to pony up with the free wireless. Come on! Drives me crazy...

[Jennifer]

Hi Megan--I clicked over b/c I liked the name of your blog! Then I noticed you had a post about Facebook at the same time I did (though yours was way better!).

Can't wait to read more!

And, yes, Maggie's blog is amazing!!

[karey m.]

we have starbuck's, cups and kilos, and a bunch of other would-be high-stress coffee sites over here...without the pretentious baristas, though! and, sadly, without free wifi.

but i remember just how you feel! {by the way, cupkate is awesome! that artwork does make me all sorts of happy!}

[Melizzard]

Jumping on the Panera bandwagon!! It's my 2nd office - I go there when I'm tired of the home office. You can't beat their Fandango salad with free wi-fi with a stick!! And don't get me started on the soups...

And seriously the wi-fi there is easy. Open the browser and click an agreement not to be a bad person then your done.

[Pam]

Bless your heart honey. That sounds like a lot of time and money for a little bit of respite.

I'm afraid to try wireless. I leave the house to get unplugged. I can see me now with a venti triple shot in one hand and my laptop in the other. Scary!

[Kelly @ Wisdom Begun]

That would so happen to me. Seriously, it would.

I told hubby this morning that the older I get, the more technologically challenged I become.

I am so glad to have found your blog.

[Dorothy Stahlnecker]

I'll bet you had enough caffeine for the week... I've had similar experiences...I think they call that state of the art technology...

Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com

[Technodoll]

Just stumbled on your blog and love it sooo much - you write beautifully! And make giggles bubble up beautifully, too. Anyways. Added you to my blogroll, hope you don't mind ;-)

[ali]

toronto wifi SUCKS> and i found it out the jittery hard way ;)

[Missives From Suburbia]

I'm so old. I've never even tried to access free wifi.

[manager mom]

OK - it is just awful that after reading this post, all I want to do is give a fake name at Starbucks. I'm already thinking of something like "Erasmus B. Dragon".

[Rebeckah]

This is so funny! I had this EXACT same problem at Starbucks today. Everyone else seemed to be working away. Very discouraging : )!

[Lara]

i'm sorry you had to go through that, but i'm glad you wrote it so that we could all get a good laugh. at your expense. which is really the best kind of laugh there is. :-P

[Giyen]

I love taking my laptop and going to coffee shops to write. It unfortunately entails getting dressed, which is something of a barrier for me.

This story has now become barrier # 2 for me.

[Emily Postal]

I had to deal with the same crap getting online at an airport. It was impossible to figure out the Sprint connection, and once I did, it added up to about $15 for five minutes of wireless. Boo.

[::Sylvia::]

Ok, seriously this SAME thing happened to me on my first cool date with my new *used* laptop. Except I was a cheapo and snuck my coffee into the second place that, of course, didn't have Wifi. I, at this point, was NOT going anywhere else since I had already driven almost 40 miles to the place I was. I opted for writing in Word rather than browse the web like a cool kid. Ach! What's a woman got to do to get real-free wifi??