Engaged and Underage: Toddler Love and Dancing Pigs

My oldest son recently turned four.  For all practical purposes, he is a man now.  Or so he would have us believe.

Apparently, he is getting married soon.  I thought I had at least fourteen more years with him, at the very least given that we do live in Mississippi, but we have had a good run.  It would be disingenuous of me to act surprised at the news of his impending marriage, though, as I clearly should have seen this coming.

(Up until this point on my blog, I've always referred to my oldest son as "Pants."  This is short for Mr. Pee Pants, which is something we've called him since he was a baby, a play on an Aqua Teen Hunger Force character called MC Pee Pants.  But men shouldn't be called by baby names such as "Pants," so before I tell you the story of how he came to become engaged, I think the time has come to change his "blog name."

Pants, my quintessential first born son, full of entertaining quirkiness, endearing with your quiet loveliness, I hereby christen you with your new blog pseudonym:  "Q." 

Jot that down folks.  We don't do reminders around here, mostly because I forget to, a la Sweet Valley High intro chapters about the characteristics of Elizabeth vs. Jessica.  Pants is now Q.  Done.  Blog magic, no legal forms involved.  Now back to the story of how my baby became fodder for an MTV reality show.)

While blogging doing housewife-ish things the other day, I overheard Q and his younger brother, Goose, arguing in the kitchen over a toy.   Q ultimately cornered Goose against the cabinets and said, "Just listen to me.  You should give me [the toy] because I'm going to have to leave you some day." 

Goose responded in his best Toy Nazi tone with "No toy for you!"  He's two, but he has a keen sense of pop-culture humor. 

Q then calmly explained, "Look, some day I'm going to get a girlfriend and I'm going to have to leave you.  Now just give me the toy and we'll play."

How little time we all have together.  Thank God Q is here to remind us that someday soon he'll choose hooking up with his girlfriend over playing with his baby brother.

Good grief, people.  I about fell out of my chair over the dishwasher when I heard his Imminent Girlfriend Warning.  He was so serious and I swear to you, Goose eventually bought the argument!

I had almost forgotten to remember that we had best all bend to Q's wishes because we are going to miss him when he's out macking on the ladies, when he offered another reminder the other day. 

Q goes to a local Montessori school three days a week, so Goose and I were picking him up the other day and loading the circus that is our family into the car when Q broke the news...

Q:  "I asked Evelyn to marry me today."

Goose, don't say he didn't warn us.  Like three days ago.

Me:  Really?  Evelyn, huh?  What did she say?

Q:  She said yes.  We are going to get married outside.  I really love her.

Me:  Yeah, that Evelyn is something else.  She's really pretty, don't you think?

Q:  Yes and she can run fast.

Had I known that running speed is how men choose their wives, I would have spent more time in training.  As it is, I don't think I even owned running shoes when I met my husband.  Ah, the "what if's" of life...

Me:  So, who is paying for this wedding?

Q:  Pa will, but you and Dad can come, and Goose.  And Cittie and Granddad.  And Ghee.  And Luke. 

Goose:  I want to party.

(note:  This sounds like an entirely coherent contribution to the conversation, but Goose is two and once he caught on enough to realize there were invitations involved in whatever it was we were talking about, he was up for any party.)

Q:  You can dance with Dad, I'll dance with Evelyn.  Goose can dance with his girlfriend...  And then I'll hire a dancing pig to sit with her mother.

Me:  Evelyn's mother?

Q:  Of course.

Ah, of course. 

My little man, Q.  He has already caught on to the delicate nature of the relationship between son-in-law and mother-in-law.  I have to say, setting her up with a dancing pig right out of the gate is one way to set the expectations for a relationship.

Q:  No, actually I'll get a dancing monkey to dance with Goose.

Goose:  "A pirate says 'Arrrrrrr!'"

The end...

Good grief.  I really am a mom.

Conversations like that make me think I should stop lacing my coffee with LSD.  How else do you explain these conversations with toddlers? 

The funny thing is, if you are a parent, the progression of that conversation probably not only made sense, but sounded familiar.

Welcome to toddler parenthood.  Leave your disbelief at the door.  Dancing pigs are real and like going to weddings just as much as the rest of us.

And don't forget the dancing monkeys, too.

Arrrrrr! 

...........................

New Here? Sign up for free delivery of new posts via RSS or email.

Follow me on Twitter! and

Comments

[Melizzard]

Just last week I was accused of throwing Puddin's imagination in the trash.

My only reply was that after that statement I couldn't possible have done such a thing.

There has been a dancing pig at every wedding I've ever been to,

[heather...]

Exchanges like this are why I can't freaking WAIT until my daughter starts talking.

[Loralee]

I was going to write a thoughtful, long comment but I am laughing too damn hard at the "One day I'm going to get a girlfriend and I'll have to leave you" part to do so.

BWAH HAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHA!

[Brillig]

Oh. Mygosh. This is so funny. A dancing pig? WHERE do they come up with these things!!! I'm seriously laughing so hard. And you tell it so well!

[Auds]

The Little Imp is two, and like Q, attends Montesorri three times a week. I rue the day when she comes home and tells me some little boy has decided he wants to marry her, and she's decided she wants to marry him and that's that.

But then again, as we prepare to send Big Sister off to college in a mere nine days, little sis (Little Imp) is already learning about the "one day I'm going to have to leave you" stuff and she's not real keen on it. Maybe big sis will leave her some "toys" that little sis has been coveting for some time.

[Linda S]

That is a horribly funny story! I only hope some day I am worthy of a dancing pig...of course we live in a real state, so I may have a while longer to wait.

[Baby Clothes by Ambajam]

I'm sure Q will like his new name. Convos overheard by siblings are priceless. Thanks for sharing.

[TXPoppet]

How adorable is that?! And yes, it made total sense to me.

[bliss caff]

Quite familiar, yes. I followed that convo quite easily, having had many similar to it.

LOVE the dancing pig for the future MIL. Wish I had thought of that for my wedding.

What is this urge that 4 yo's have to grow up so fast? My 4 yo is already dying to drive the car.

AND yesterday she went on an imaginary date WITH A BOY. My God. I didn't even know what to say. My two yo daughter had to pretend to be the boy, and all they did was sit at their miniature table and chat, but still.

I am nowhere near ready for that.

[Kat]

Now that I have picked myself up off the floor from laughing so hard...

My 4 year old daughter informed us the other day that she would be marrying a boy named Vashti who lives in South America, but would continue to live at home and only visit him after they were married to eat lunch. Vashti is Russian but lives in South America because Russia has bad presidents. Oh and his little sister Balowee would be marrying her brother so they can all eat lunch together.

I love the 4 year old thought process. It's awesome.

[Beck]

Q is a good name. I made the mistake of calling my youngest child "The Baby" on my blog and now she is distinctly unbabylike and I am stuck.

The Boy has a female friend who is very loud about planning on marrying him someday. "I used to want to marry her," he told me, "But now she mostly just scares me." Ah. And so it begins.

[Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas]

This is hilarious! My Shark, age 6, likes them older. He's always marrying the cutest babysitter.

[MommyTime]

I, of course, was waiting for the punch line about changing his name from "Pants" because he has decided to forgo wearing pants. But as a mother of a 4 yr old myself, I should have known better: the lack of pants is not a lifestyle choice, just a momentary (if repeated) attitude. Your logic makes much more sense.

And until you pointed it out at the end, I saw nothing out of the ordinary about the conversation in the slightest.

I love this post! It makes me so happy to know someone else's kids have conversations like this.

[Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk]

My son totally judges everyone on their speed. Plus, now he's nearly at the grand old age of 6 he no longer 'loves' his dear friend Heather, or will kiss friends goodbye or will be seen to hug his mum when anyone under the age of 20 is around. **sob** Where did my adorable little baby go?

[Michelle Potter]

When my oldest boy was 4, he was absolutely in love with and going to marry one of the girls from our church's youth group. His older sister STILL teases him about it (he's 9 now).

My current 4yo son plans to marry his 3yo sister. And we aren't even from Mississippi.

[Stacey]

I'm laughing so hard I am crying!

My 4 y.o. hasn't gotten engaged yet but he has his future house all picked out & is just waiting for the people that live there to move out so he can move in.

[themommykelly]

Okay, either stop lacing the coffee or maybe, just maybe, up the ante! These conversations are quite entertaining! Yes, all par for the course in the world of preschoolers and toddlers. I love it!

[Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children]

A dancing pig is BRILLIANT. I mean, who wouldn't want a dancing pig?

[The Diaper Diaries]

Thank God my 5 yo still thinks the only person she can marry is her daddy. Then again maybe I should be concerned at her lack of awareness. Shouldn't she be married off by now. All her friends are? Argh, I have a late bloomer :)

[Mrs. G.]

With this kind of resolve, Evelyn might have to put her running skills to good work.

My kids are teens now, but once a mom, always a mom. This conversation made perfect sense.

[Leo]

Hilarious! And apparently this is a common thread we moms needed to discuss: My oldest son (7) told me the other day "when I get older a lot of people are probably going to want to marry me." Why? I asked. "Because I am smart and I can run really fast." (At least there's no shortage of confidence there!) :)

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

ok, so does that mean they'll be registered at crate and barrel or toys r us? Q is so far advanced from my 10 y.o. son who is about to snap his spine in half from trying to sit as far as humanly possible from the girl he has a crush on. How passive aggressive is THAT?

[Missives From Suburbia]

Our house has become filled with almost non-stop laughter since my two-year-old starting putting full sentences together a few months ago. The things they come up with crack me up! I can't wait to see this kind of stuff unfold once the little girl is born and talking and my son is older.

Great post, Megan.

[Missives From Suburbia]

I think Hierarchy of Suffering was one of the first posts I ever read on your blog after I saw you on Buzz. Memories...

[Erin(adymommy)]

Oh my. Thanks for a great laugh! Dancing pig! That is too good.

[chickadee@afamiliarpath]

it does sound familiar and it's great! glad you got it all down to read at the future wedding.

[Annie]

Kudos to you for not crying!

I think I would at the thought of my baby boy heading off to get married.

Wait - that's what my MIL did - oh NOOOOOO!

Scratch that - I wouldn't cry, no not me, never!

[Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?]

Ok whatever. Just make sure they sign a prenup. She'll totally want half his toys.

[Alexis]

LOL!!! I had to comment, that is one of the funniest things I have ever read...the pig for his future MIL :) Priceless. I came across your blog while stumbling and am so glad I did!

[ali]

gabe totally married me because i'm a super fast runner.

true story.
:)

[samara]

there's this great website that if found that has tons of helpful information to make the everyday topics of a mothers life seem a bit less overwhelming...http://hrbaby.com/

[Deb on the Rocks]

He's brilliant to know that it's coming and to use it as leverage! My 19-year-old son moving out this month has knocked the air out of both me & my 14-y-old son. It seems like not long ago the younger one was toppling an intricate lego tower painstakingly built by his 7-year-old hero. (Sob!)

[Beth]

Oh my goodness. I am at work and I'm doing the "silent-giggle-shimmy" in my seat because that conversation is hysterical!! And yes, I could totally see my 4 yr old having the SAME conversation - makes total sense. You tell Q that if dancing pigs are being invited I am SO THERE!

[Ellen]

Oh! I was married when I was four. His name was Ricky and we were married on the back bench seat of the bus we rode to day camp. To this day, I refer to Ricky as my first husband because my present husband is so cute when he rolls his eyes.

That was 44 years ago. A girl never forgets her first husband. Forty-four years from now, Evelyn will wax nostalgic about your son and her husband will roll his eyes.

[seven]

I'm not a mom yet, but I have babysat for years, and one of my babysitting jobs was watching three kids once a week for a Bible study at a church. There were a set of 6 year old twins (a boy and a girl) and one other little boy, about 5, named Quentin, who totally had a crush on the little girl. One day I overheard the little girl say, to no one in particular, that she was going to marry a man named Harry.

Quentin's response was a hurt expression and an offer that she could marry him, if she wanted to. She just looked at him like he was crazy, and said, "No, because your name's not Harry." He said softly, "You could call me Harry if you wanted to."

Her response: A big, fat, resounding NO.

He avoided her the rest of the night.

[Jessica]

My little one is 5 months old now... conversation seems like it is such a long way away. Your entry really makes me look forward to it!

[Recruiting Services]

Cute pictures. I wish the years of being a childhood did not have to go so fast. What precious times!

[Kat - Sassy Irish Lassie]

Aaah, what a great story! This is why we love our boys!!

[T.]

My 4 1/2 year old (don't forget the 1/2 - he'll remind you) asked me the other day if robbers were good for the environment?? Ponder that one....

[Steph]

I'm so glad I read this at home and not at work - how truely adorable! LOL! My daughter is just learning to put words together, and her favorite phrase right now is , "uh oh...oh NO!"

[Giovanny Children]

Wayan Rendah carves this statuette with a flowing sense of aesthetic grace. http://kids.morewrite.com/2008/08/24/play-and-reality-a-delicate-balance/